I hate him/horrible session

Today was our last session for 3 weeks. When I arrived T said that since it was the last for a while and we had started together a year ago, that it might be a good time to review the year and talk about goals for the coming year. I was surprised since we never talked about goals before. It was hard for me to start because I was so anxious about the separation.

I was trying to keep it light, but he asked if I could elaborate on my anxiety about being apart. We talked a bit and he tried to comfort me by telling me he would be back and so would I. I told him I felt very attached to him.

I told him that I had also been thinking about the year anniversary and that i had printed out my poetry and letters I had written to him when he was away in JUly. He asked me to read one of the letters to him.

Then, he said something that reminded me of something else (thank God). Then I told him about a dream I had. Meanwhile, I'm really really anxious during all of this. I became confused (my version of dissociating). He started talking about how being confused doesn't serve me well as an adult. I told him it felt like criticism. He dug a deeper hole. He triggered me without knowing by repeating an abusive pattern that occurred between me and my brother while I was growing up, regarding my confusion. (T wasn't abusive, it was the pattern of questioning the confusion just when it happens.)

I left horrified. I cried in the car and left him a voice cracking message on his machine.

What is this, CBT? Goals? %#@&#! him. I hate him.

Three weeks, three months, three years, who cares.

Sister, i'm sorry you feel so bad right now. 3 weeks without T really sucks! When I read what you posted about your session i had a different reaction to what your T said. I was thinking it'd be really cool if my T wanted to take some time to review where we had been and where we'd want to go in the next year. It would be nice to hear what T thought was significant and what he/she remembers.

i don't think setting some goals is necessarily CBT. Other's may have more information on that, but I think even in other forms of therapy people set goals for themselves. A few months ago my T mentioned setting goals and I wasn't up for it at the time. It felt like to much pressure at the time, but I don't think she ment that once I had reached the goals that I would stop therapy it was more to help focus on things I wanted to work on or talk about.

Sorry about the confusion feelings. Were you able to talk to T about the memories that brought up when you called?

I'm so so sorry (sister) I'm here. And I understand that confusion on the link between you and your T. I also feel the pain you feel, just differently. I care sweety, you'll make it spread your arms and hug us through these hard times.

Dustin

(((hugs))))
What you will learn through experiencing T's vacations and being away, is that T does return. That's opposite than what you may have experienced growing up. T's return, and continue to give support and caring for us, without us having to prove our worth or anything. This leave, return, leave, return, though very trying at times, helps us to realize things aren't always like you knew growing up, and helps to create a new way of thinking about it all.

It's still tough, though, isn't it?

Sister I'm so sorry. Did you get to read the letter at least? I can feel your pain, personally I don't think I could handle that right now. I hope someday I can though.

I hope he calls you at least.

((((((((((((((((((Sister))))))))))))))))))))))

i am so sorry you had such a touch session right before the break... that is the hardest time to feel disconnected, misunderstood...

i know you have had lots of positive experiences with T, and i hope very much you are able to hold on to those over these next 3 weeks...

i totally understand how hard it is though...

(((( sister )))))

This session, of all times, when you are facing the separation of his vacation time away, he could have been more accepting of the confusion. Sure, it's a place to retreat to that is safe, and it's so understandable for it to happen when it did. I think it would have been more therapeutic for him to show kindness and acceptance and gentleness instead.

Maybe he has issues with being missed.

I'm sorry this session turned out the way it did. It sounds like his wanting to review and look forward was a way to say you've been together in the past and you will be in the future, when he returns. Also a way to keep things light in his way of thinking maybe?

I'm wondering if he's disappointed in himself, too, for the way it turned out.

Let's make a T Voodoo doll.

I can't empathize with you enough about a session being left in a bad way. Especially with three weeks to pass, who needs that disconnection? I'm so sorry. I really, really hope he calls you back so that maybe you can smoothe things over and hold a connection while he's away.

(((((((sister))))))))

I am sorry you are hurting so much. I had to change Ts in March because I moved. One of the first things he asked is what goals my previous T and I had worked on. (we were together 3 years). I just looked at him and my jaw dropped....goals? huh??? Oh I know, the goal was to stay out of the hospital as long as possible. He didn't understand that. I wish you well and hope you stay safe.

Take care,
xoxo
Dee

Thanks all for your responses and good wishes.

I did not sleep well yesterday, and I feel as though I was abused.

Lemon, no I did not get the chance to tell him how I felt about what he was saying. That's what the phone message was partly about.

Sky, yes, I agree that T's leaving and return is important to to work with, that's why I showed up yesterday. I think of it more as an opoprtunity to re-experience rather than change thinking but the end result is the same.

Echoes, the T-voodoo doll is the best idea yet. My project for the day!

Moonkin, although I am somewhat confused about our relationship, the confusion that happened yesterday was a form of dissociation that I go to when i don't feel safe. Thanks for the hugs.

Almeda, no I didn't get to read the letter. I was nervous about his asking me to anyway, but I would have, I think.

Nikki, thanks but it's just makes me sad right now to think of the positive.

I'd rather be angry at him.

Pink, If he doesn't call today I will have reached a new low in my depression. Plus he was wearing sandals yesterday. I'm going over to respond to your thread now.

Dang I'll have to put on my Wonder Woman suit and attack him when he least expects it.

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Oh I know, the goal was to stay out of the hospital as long as possible

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MyBestKids, this is really telling it like it is! I love it!

Maybe I should have told him my Weight Watchers goal.

Hi sister,
I'm sorry your last session before T's vacation was such a tough one. It sounds like he didn't go out of his way to make the parting easy or reassuring. I'm sorry you retreated into confusion/dissociation. It is understandable to get confused with so much stress during the session hammering at you.

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Plus he was wearing sandals yesterday.

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I can't remember, is wearing sandals good or bad?

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When I arrived T said that since it was the last for a while and we had started together a year ago, that it might be a good time to review the year and talk about goals for the coming year.

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I think it can be really valuable to review the year. I would like to do that with my T sometime. Our first anniversary is coming up in October. I think it can be empowering to look back, see where you were then and where you are now, what is going well and what is not, how the direction has shifted as time has passed, etc. However, I don't think the last session before a 3 week break is a good time to discuss this. Too much tension and anxiety about the impending separation. You want to be able to really feel good about that conversation, and that would be hard with the separation looming. It would detract from what could be a positive experience. Does that make sense?

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Maybe I should have told him my Weight Watchers goal.

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In a way, that would have told him a lot about what you thought about his desire to discuss goals at this stressful time. It reminds me a little of this article I read yesterday in the college issue of Newsweek. They interviewed an admissions director about what colleges look for in applicants. He told about one student's application, where the big essay question was as follows: "Ask yourself a question and give the answer." The student wrote: "Do you play the tuba? Answer: No."

((((sister))))

its hard when people leave when you need them most. it feels so abandoning... I usually panic. Its a horrible feeeling. (((((((sister))))) Maybe you can reach out for support in other areas.. PM me if you'd like to talk.

Sunny,

Your response was very thoughtful. Yes, the stress was hammering at me--you really got it!

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wever, I don't think the last session before a 3 week break is a good time to discuss this. Too much tension and anxiety about the impending separation. You want to be able to really feel good about that conversation, and that would be hard with the separation looming. It would detract from what could be a positive experience. Does that make sense?

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Yes, it makes perfect sense. I don't hate the idea of review/goals. I wish he would have given me a heads up so I could prepare as well. This was definitely not the time for this, and it has to be a do-over!

I called him again today but haven't heard back. he's probably away already. I'm not in good shape, I've realized several other triggers from yesterday. I've been crying all day.

Have to go pick up my son and put on the happy Mom face.

Thanks for your insight.

((((Esther))))

As of now it's official. I am in a complete panic. Crying all day.

Thanks for your kind thoughts. I will have to reach elsewhere or I won't make it through the next three weeks.

I did at first, but somewhere i reached down deep and i learned something significant about myself -- i found little bits of strength to move on. I know you will too!!!