Dear Client

Dear LT,

I have no idea what to say to your e-mails. I don't think they're really about my wife and not telling you about that, are they? They're really about our relationship. But I don't know what to tell you about that. You already said not to say that all of my patients are special to me. But I certainly can't say you're any more special than anyone else. God forbid I say something like that!

And that thing where you want to know if you had some effect on my life, on me personally? Well, for one, taking up lots of my personal time with e-mails! But I probably shouldn't say that because you might not realize it's a joke and will get all upset. Even though probably 30% of what I say isn't serious.

Of course you've had an effect on me, just as all my patients--wait, I'm not supposed to say that to you, am I? I'm just trying to figure out how to respond to you that won't result in a teary phone call. I've certainly screwed some of those up in the past. I mean, that most recent time that you told me you loved me? Yikes, that was rough.

I know you want me to tell you that you're special (and not just like any other patient), that you're important to me, that you've made an impact on my life beyond, say, a steady paycheck, a challenge at times, and some laughter. Because those things are true. You've affected me in more ways than you could ever know. But I'm not going to tell you that. Just because. It's one of my arbitrary boundaries. Just like never saying that I love you, too--PLATONICALLY! That's why I get so weird if you say it to me. Because what do I say back? Apparently not, "That's very kind," because that made you flip out before...OK, not flip out, just have an honest expression of your feelings, which are never right or wrong, but just are (TM MC).

So, maybe I'll just use the cop-out of either not responding or saying we'll talk about it in session. Because then either you'll wimp out, or I can flip the script by asking H how he's feeling right now. And then you'll start crying and say you're sorry for making it about you (even though it's totally fine with me) and back down. So, be ready for that!

Take care,
MC

Dear Ellah,

Changes were made. You did anger me. We discussed it, and I told you nothing has changed about anything other than the change in the relationship, why is this so hard for you to accept? You know this is hard on me too. I didn't mean to get so close to you, I apologized. I let you in. I told you, that this has never happened in all my experience to become so enmeshed with a client. I know transferring you would be worse than you staying with me and part of that is selfish on my part, but we can work through this together. I meant it when I said I'd always be in your life. You need to get better and become healthy and you cannot do that with the way our relationship was going. So as hard as it is for you, you get to talk about it with me but I can't with you. One day this will all make sense, one day you will trust me again.

Love, T.

Dear ATAT,

Are you trying to make me dislike you?

DBC

(actual quote)

Dear skeksi,
Remember, I told you there would be fallout from sharing? But I've told you before that the way you cope is not disgusting to me and I won't force you to leave. I wish you'd be more compassionate with yourself. Come back next week and we can take the shame down a notch.
T

Wow. Did she explore with you further (because personally I've done things to irritate and annoy people so they'll reject me), or just left it at that?

I think DBC's interest in individual psychology is broad but not deep. There's only a certain level of why x that she reaches.

So yeah she just left it at that. To be fair...she may have a point. In my experience therapists who like me are dangerous creatures.

Dear LT,
You're going to text me tomorrow, aren't you? well, maybe then I can respond to your text and ignore your super-needy e-mails. What's up with your need to know you've had an effect on me? Does it really matter?

I guess I should just e-mail you, because I know you're probably freaking out right now. But I have my reasons for not doing it. Maybe it's that I'm busy, maybe something else. Not going to say anything more than that. Even though I know you're freaking out right now and worried about what I think of you...Because I can't reassure you *all* the time...
--MC

Dear E,

No, I wasn't thinking of how your procedure went yesterday. In fact, I had forgot all about it happening, so you didn't need to email me with your progress. Thank you, though because now I know another thing about you and where you are in this journey. You know I'm just your t, right, you don't have to keep me up to date with every little event going on in your life. - Dr. S.

Hey Annie.
Stop being so stubborn. Stop laughing it off when you know you're wrong. You're the most difficult client I've ever worked with because your only problem is yourself, but you won't admit it. I can't help you if you don't help yourself!
You want some magic fix to the way you feel, but nothing will get better if you don't change the way you act. You're a stubborn SOB and I want to terminate with you because you frustrate me so much.
T

Hei Annies T,

We must have the same client! That laughing is so frustrating, isn't it?

Demunies T

Dear LT,
Of course I broke down and e-mailed you shortly after sending this note. But I decided to just go with the "let's talk Monday in session" option. And include the somewhat ominous "that's a fair question with a very long answer." Not being clear on which part in your e-mail is the "question." I know that you're all nervous now wondering what the "very long answer" is, especially if it's about the therapeutic relationship part. I would have known that even without your e-mail response! But I'll probably just leave that hanging till session.

Guess I need to figure out what exactly my "very long answer" is before Monday morning... (Unless it snows--then I get more time!)

Take care,
--MC

Dear Art,

Good work today. You talked a lot, and yes I was keeping up. Would it be wrong of me to put odds on whether or not you will email me this afternoon? Haha just kidding. Or not. You don't know, do you....

I get it, though. What you said about how you feel. Thank you.

T

Dear Mona,
You never answer my calls, now I understood when you said you were avoidant, I didn't believe it but I do now! I wonder when you will feel comfortable enough to talk about your ex t. I won't judge you but I will admit to being curious about what happened. I am not sure me being honest about knowing your ex t really helped but knowing how you have issues with trust I thought it best to tell you but know I realise that this will be our first rupture. That's ok, you don't have to be alone through this.

How are you doing with knowing your current t knows your XT? I sounds like you are struggling a little with the news if you are equating it to a rupture. .that doesn't sound good

See - I told you most clients love their therapists. And refer to us in a possessive way.
What's wrong with you?

"In the midst of all the trauma, you were accomplishing wonderful things and everyone neglected to recognize you and praise you and make you feel like the very special, intelligent and creative person you always have been.

You are in my thoughts,
T"

Actual quote

why are you so ****ing uncommunicative
i'm bored

Thank you for asking Elio,
They trained together a few years ago and would have been very close on the training. I am still not ok with it or in anyway happy about it but it's a small country with only a few training programme so it's possible that therapists will likely bump into other therapists at least once in their lifetime. I am glad my t told me but now I feel like it's not safe and that I can't talk to her about this anymore.

Hugs, Mona. My T and my ex T are colleagues plus close friends and my ex T made some pretty biphobic comments. I definitely feel unsafe in criticizing my ex T to my current T. I hear you. I hope that if you do bring this issue up with your T, she will handle it well.

Dear LT,
I knew you'd get all upset when I said those things. But they're the truth. You want to think you're special, but you're just my job. I know I act super caring and like we have this connection and stuff, but that's what it is--an act. I mean, yeah, I care, but how much can you care about 1 of 35 people you see in a week? I only have so much caring space in my head. And, as you know (even though I wish you didn't), I'm dealing with lots of other emotions right now.

Any minute now, you're going to call me or text me or e-mail me, even though I said to talk to H first. You're not good at following rules with me. You just act out of emotion, just like the teens I work with.

Oh, and I know it's your birthday tomorrow because you mentioned it. But I didn't tell you happy birthday because that might make you feel special or something. Figured I'd better not take the chance. Even though I wished it to you the past 2 years.

MC

Annie,
I am secretly hoping that you don't show up to our session next week. You are just so dang stubborn, it's a really frustrating hour with you. You want it to be my fault that you're not making progress, but it's your fault. You don't even need therapy -- you just need to be real with yourself. You're deluding yourself.
T

I forget if this is a 'what we suspect they might think' (i.e., our own projections) or a 'what we WISH they might think' thread.

If I were to type what I WISH she'd think:

Dear WIP,
You're intelligent and funny and kind. I wish we could be friends. Sometimes I slip up and catch myself imagining us as friends, hanging out with the people we have in common. I won't go there, however. I'll do my best to respect this boundary because my duty of care is more important for the both of us.

I think it's both. Plus occasionally the words that actually do come out of their mouths.

When I told my mom she said,

"I hope you've learned your lesson!"



I shouldn't have been surprised. Talk about "relationships" with my mom? Pffft...

Hi captgut
You always keep silent, aggrrrrhhh, i hate it!
And if you don't, you tell strange stupid boring stuff. It's difficult for me to listen to it.
I have to go now, my other client's are waiting. Thanks god you are the only failure

See you next week. Too soon!