T asked me to think about why I want to know

At the end of my session today I asked T if I could see a picture of her boyfriend/partner. She asked why. I said because I've seen pictures of her ex-husband, her kids, her pets. She isn't private about herself though most of the photos were from Facebook that I found on my own. I told her because I like to know about her life. I'm not sure what else to say. I think it's the usual reasons people have about feeling close to their T but it's not reciprocal. I just want an image in my head of whom she's with now. I know it's her right to not tell or show me, and that makes me sad.

I really get this urge to know and it hurts when we are faced with the reality that this relationship is one sided. Did she show you Rainbow? I don't see any harm in it, she must know that you like to know these things and have an insatiable curiosity about her.

I'm sure you won't be surprised that I understand this, too. Having just found pics of my MC's wife and my T's H online...The wanting to connect and feel closer to them. The therapeutic relationship and boundaries can be hard...

One of my ts ex wives ran for public office and sent a postcard with her face on it to all the voters. I told t to thank her for the portrait or stg stupid like that. He just played dumb - he's very good at that. TOO good!

No, she asked me to think about why I want to know. She told me his first name months ago. I think she wants to keep him private. I do know he's a T too. I guessed that. T is amazed with my detective skills!

I am now pretty sure your t is Bluebeard.

rainbow - I suspect your therapist is really asking you why this would be therapeutically useful.

Rainbow, I completely understand and feel the same way. Sometimes I want to know just because I want to know and I hate having to explain it. And in my case, it does me no good explaining it because she won't tell me anything anyway! I will be terminating with her at my next appointment as I've found a new T.

Thanks, mona. Yes, the reality hurts. T and I are close because that's how she does therapy. I don't know why she didn't just show me a picture. Maybe because it was the end of my session. I might be more jealous if I see a picture, though. I'm not sure. T usually is agreeable. She showed me pictures of her adult children once. I think that was after I saw them on FB. I want T to be my T but sometimes I sure wish we were sisters or friends!

Thanks, LT. I do feel close to my T, and IN session it feels mutual. I still don't understand boundaries though. Why does she need them? I've seen her almost 7 years now! I'm not going to stalk her. I'm just curious.

[QUOTE=atisketatasket;5416840]I am now pretty sure your t is Bluebeard.

rainbow - I suspect your therapist is really asking you why this would be therapeutically useful.[/Q
Yeah. I don't know the answer to that. When I think of her now, I think about him too, but he doesn't have a face yet. I want him to.

[QUOTE=SoConfused623;5416883]Rainbow, I completely understand and feel the same way. Sometimes I want to know just because I want to know and I hate having to explain it. And in my case, it does me no good explaining it because she won't tell me anything anyway! I will be terminating with her at my next appointment as I've found a new T.[/QUOTE
I'm glad you have found a new T.

I googled my T's wife (she's a T too) While there was no harm in it for me, it might be wise to be cautious if you think it might make you jealous. If it's going to be painful it might be important to protect yourself from that. Perhaps that's what your T is thinking. After all she has a duty to 'do no harm'.

I think maybe perhaps it's just part and parcel of the therapy experience for me anyway, the constantly being confronted by my wish that I could be more to t than I am, y'know, my silly heart always wishing she and I could be friends, that kinda thing, that somehow it's necessary for me to learn to let our relationship be what it is... the unique "it feels personal but it's actually professional" ah - light bulb moment - another opportunity for me to practice the letting go of trying to control stuff and letting life flow.... thanks for sharing rainbow, you have sparked a good realization inside of me.

Thank you. "It feels personal but it's actually professional." That's where I get stuck too. Yesterday my session was kind of light. I laughed about something and couldn't stop. The session felt like a conversation between friends in a way. But it was still therapy of course. It was all good until I asked if I could see the photo. Then it was Boom, hit with T's "my personal life is private" attitude. She's right but it triggers me. I have to use radical acceptance but it's difficult.

I don't know why! It's probably better if I don't see it. I wish the idea hadn't popped into my head because now I feel rejected.

I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I want and don't want a man in my life again. Therapy isn't about my T and her partner. She's also not my friend. If I could accept that right now.......life is so hard. Is it like that for others?

I understand you. I had the same feeling. I wanted to know more about my T's life. Then I googled her on facebook and found his boyfriend too. I wanted to see photos of him...His page was private, there were some past photos. There was a photo of him and her kissing (it's his profile pic so I could see it). It wasnt a good thing for me to see that...I wanted to know more about my T, wanted to see how her life was, but at the same time I felt jealous (when I saw the kissing photo for example). I don't know if I'm jealous of her boyfriend, or about her life in general that seems perfect, beautiful and stable from the photos.
But I don't think that seeing her boyfriend was helpful to me. Yes, now I know what he's like...but it gave nothing to me. I don't know his personality. I'm more obsessed now after seeing that photo, I still have the habit to check her and his facebook page...it's not helpful.

Interesting that you remarked that you wish she didn't have any boundaries. Everyone has boundaries! A T will have more than a friendship, or a partner-ship-it keeps both people in a more "healthy" space. I know you said you wouldn't stalk her (and I believe you), but remember that she has previous experience w you crossing the line sometimes into her personal boundaries. You said she showed you her pictures of her kids-but that was AFTER you saw their pictures on FB, right?

In an ideal world, I am guessing T would share everything about her life to you? How would that benefit you? Also-it is rare that any one person shares "everything" with just one person. I think it is healthy to share your needs around. I went (sort of still going) through a situation recently w a friend where I was needing too much from her-a HUGE fear of mine. She didn't exactly put it that way, but my insecurity was driving her away.

What I am trying to say is that it's good for people to have boundaries, even though it does hurt.

I know. Seeing FB photos made me very jealous! There's an urge to know all about her life but then the jealousy hits! It's not helpful but it's an obsession so I try not to do it. I will have to go over it again with my T. Thanks for understanding.

Thanks, Velcro. I think it has to do with not liking when people withhold information from me. I understand intellectually that everyone has boundaries but part of me is shouting "that's not fair!!!" Probably a young part.

I think maybe you sort of put yourself out there to be upset about these sort of things w T (not on purpose). If you know she doesn't answer (or doesn't like to answer) questions about her family, you know by asking that you probably won't feel satisfied. I can be way off base here, so please let me know if I am.

I agree that it sucks that you can't know everything your heart desires about your T, but maybe if you journaled about those curiosities, or maybe go to session with the question of why do I feel the need? And what can I do to lessen it?

What does that young part respond when you ask her why it 'isn't fair'?

For me, knowing about my T, especially his vulnerability, is a therapeutic way to remind me "careful, even authorities are not perfect ! Authorities are actually human beings with their own imperfections. Being a leader is actually acknowledging imperfection as a form of normalcy".

I cannot stand a therapist, or an authority, which boundary is never ever self-disclosing.
It means putting a mask of perfection. Therefore, the example is increasing my perfectionist tendencies, so wanting to be as perfect as therapist.
The problem is that such standard is impossible to reach. The therapeutic setting is actually set-up for failure right off the bat because it means a power struggle, winning a contest at all cost.
Therapy doesn't have to be a Pyrrhic victory !!

In my case, I don't feel jealous about T's family. I don't feel rejected. And age difference is too great for T and I competing in the same ground : he is more a grandfather figure with wisdom. My T thought that it was a matter of "I'm not that old", I answered that actually, it's a very positive transference of wisdom's transmission rather than age.
OTOH, I have my own path of happiness. It doesn't mean following "partner, house, children, dog, car". Mine is very different, and that's ok: "it's a variable of normalcy" to quote T.

Had my T been a young T, the feeling of being in a contest for perfection would had been hitting too strongly for my own good.
The contest would had been counter-therapeutic. The feeling of being in a contest for winning would had been too hard to overcome for both parties.

My T usually DOES answer my questions about her kids but she never wanted to talk about her ex-husband. Now she briefly says negative things about him. She's said her bf is much nicer. I haven't felt the need to ask her questions for a long time. I think it's because I felt very close to her last session, like friends, so I spontaneously asked to see his picture. Why I feel the need for her to share with me is worth discussing in my session. I agree.

She says: " Because T and I talk about so much intimate stuff, and we seem like friends or family, even though I'm her job, so why can't she just show me a picture? Why does she have to have these kinds of boundaries? " That may be adult talking! Child says it's not fair because I WANT TO KNOW!!! I don't know why I want to know more. I just do.

Thank you for your comments. I agree about perfection. It sure took my T off her pedastal when she got divorced!

My T used me to get a hook-up for himself. It's disgraceful.

I can relate as I am very inquisitive about my therapists ' personal lives for better or worse. Kashi is married with two children but the more I get to know him I have a strong hunch that something else is up. Maybe he isn't gay or bi but I get the feeling his marriage may not be traditional and I'm dying to know what the arrangement is. Partly because i am so bad at romantic partnerships it is helpful for me to know what all spectrums may look like. Kashi had hinted that I may fall on the asexual spectrum although he didn't put it in those terms. Believe me I googled everything about every possible relationship type to see if I have been looking at my own situation the wrong way. I don't think I'm anything more exotic than an unsuccessful straight lady who is afraid of intimacy, but there are aspects of the asexual community which are kind of sweet, sort of an extension of what kinds of relationships are possible.
Kashi had mentioned that not all marriages involve sexual intimacy, that there are a whole range of relationship types. I said yes I'm aware and I started listing the ones I know of. When I got to mixed orientation marriages he changed the subject. Was I too close to the mark? It would be helpful to me if we have a non traditional relationship style in common even if it isn't exactly the same. I just can't put my finger on what his story is and just makes me more curious.
Maybe your interest in your t's life is to compare and understand how others have relationships? We only hear about a narrow range in public and in the media. Maybe seeing the type of guy she is into tells you more about her and your reaction may tell you what you may be seeking in the next stage of your life.

Thanks growly. I hope you find out about your T. I'd be curious too. I already know what kind of man I'm looking for. I'm still not sure if I want to see the picture. I think I want to know more about T instead. I know her bf is also a T. I figured that out! She told me his first name too because I said if she told me his last, I'd be googling him! Maybe I do want to know if he's good looking or not. Or maybe I don't care! I'm not clear about my motives or wants.

Why does everything have to be therapeutically useful? I've been seeing my T for almost 7 years. She's shared some of her personal life with me. Knowing about her doesn't ruin my therapy. I've worked on issues I never could with anyone else. My session is tomorrow and I don't know what to tell her. I don't want her to talk about boundaries. I hate to think that she doesn't want to tell me things because we're not friends. That conversation depresses me but now I can't seem to let it go so I probably need to talk about it again with my T. She will probably just show me a photo of her boyfriend if I ask again. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing?

Uh...maybe your question is rhetorical, but because what you're doing in that room is therapy, not friendship? It's what she's paid to do, and what you or your insurance are paying for.

And really, does knowing about her not harm your therapy? It seems your therapy is often all about your desire to know more about her, not about working on whatever the issue is (unless that is why you are in therapy, to learn more about her).

Sorry if that's harsh. But I think that may be the way she thinks.

Therapy hasn't been about T for a long time. It's been about shame and physical stuff. That's therapy. If it's a discussion about my artwork, that's therapy too. If I'm learning a new skill, it's therapy but the interaction is very friendly. Maybe I'm mixing up intimacy with friendship. T and I talk about my issues in an intimate way that FEELS like friendship. It's almost always about me, but if something about her is relevant to me, she will say it.

Her orientation focuses on feelings in the present, which is about how I feel about her. Is she sitting too close, too far, or just right? What do I feel in my body?

I know you're right that T's bf has nothing to do with my therapy. T always brings it back to me. She's a good T. I'm a challenging client. Thank you, atisketatasket.