Couch 127: The Wayward Couch

And now MC just sent a really caring response to my e-mail from a few hours ago, and even briefly mentioned the topic I thought he'd just avoid, so, yeah...

I think the extra 25 mg of seroquel is making a difference mood wise but i am so drowsy. also t has been quite hot here around 37 deg C (98.6 deg F) I have been drinking extra water (on top of the extra water need to drink on lithium) and I think this is helping.

Back at work after my vacation to Norway to see my partner. Realising again how much I hate this job, and also how lucky I am to have this job especially given the stigma of psychiatric disorders in my country.

The trip was very good to me. I felt so peaceful, filled with well-being. I learned I'm capable and not lazy and useless.

I come home and and I feel worthless again. My father has been laughing mockingly at me over extremely stupid stuff like not knowing I can keep the toiletry bag the flight crew provided on the overnight flight and how much soup I scoop or whatever. He called me a mocking term meaning "country bumpkin/backward/uninformed" but it's his derisive laughter which gets to me, that snarky "HAHAHAHA!!"

We were clearly separated at birth. Just put a Hawaiian-shirted hippie in your scenario and you're me.

Hugs QM. I understand.

(((Quiet mind))) i remember my parents mocking me instead of helping and teaching me also. Its hard to understand why they would do such a thing. Its very hard to accept what seems to be the rational reasons.

Thats me too.

Oh but not that i actually do it.

Next on my list of questions to current T:

- Did she get married in Vegas?

- Does she ride a motorcycle? (The latter might perhaps pose a slight technical issue in our transfer situation given her emphatic declaration about not ever wearing trousers -- I'm not exactly sure why I am obsessed with that but I can't stop finding it hilarious.....in an 18th-century kinda way.)

Hugs! I really hate my job. I need it though, sigh. And I feel like my parents are upset at my new found confidence.

When they picked me up from the airport, my father seriously told me that he had expected that I contact him first rather than my partner "because I'm more important". He was really insistent in wanting to know who I contacted and in what order.

I did contact him first but he didn't pick up his mobile, so him giving me crud later in the car feels unfair.
Yeah, I don't understand why they find it so amusing for them to either laugh at me for not knowing something, or berate me for not getting something perfect on the first go.

They seem to like my hurt expression, especially my father. That grin on his face with his laugh...This anger is new to me. I wanted to wipe it off his face with a punch rather than self-harm, which is new.

But then he also punches my brothers "for fun" and gets mad when they hit back. I think he's a...very unpleasant and petty man.

Thanks all of you for understanding, and the hugs, I really appreciate the support here

This trip has changed me, I feel. I no longer fear I will not survive outside of the parental house. I think my father senses this because he's finding all the little trivial things to mock me about, or to laugh in my face about, or to lecture / explain things to me about Norway (when he's seriously uninformed) about.

I'm thinking of opening session with DBC tomorrow like this:


I was a fool to ever leave your side
Me minus you is such a lonely ride
The breakup we had has made me lonesome and sad
I realize I love you 'cause I want you bad, hey, hey
...
Reunited, and it feels so good
Reunited 'cause we understood
There's one perfect fit
And, sugar, this one is it
We both are so excited 'cause we're reunited, hey, hey


With a lot of sarcastic emphasis on perfect fit.

I'm not sure which one of us would be more shocked and horrified.

I am shocked and horrified

I was gonna say, yeah that would be me.

I think you got two navajoh rabbits with one stone!

You and your partner live in different countries? That must be tough.

Yup. It's okay though We met online many years ago, way before our long distance and interracial relationship would have been allowed by our respective very racist sets of parents. As two kids growing up getting beaten up by parents with anger problems, internet really saved us, I feel.

It was a huge thing for me to have made the trip, given my anxiety. My parents really, really tried to dissuade me too haha, even though they "gave approval" for us to date a couple of years ago. As if we needed their approval (they don't give a crap that we've long been legal adults), but when they found out about the relationship, it initially wasn't pleasant at all...not kidding when I say my father believes he owns me.

i have been so down sense my last therapy session . i have been trying so hard to stay busy and not obsess about things .i have gone out and got together with friends .it is a distraction but then the blues come back .my last session was so rough . i feel like crap after it . i dont know if it was from talking some about my brother and the mother . or if it was how aggressive my T was about me talking about it . things that she said .i was crying and she asked me to get a tissue .i shook my head no .she then seemed to get frustrated and raised her voice saying "see you would rather stay miserable then to just grab a tissue ,they are right next to you now get one " i was scared not to . she insisted i tell her about some humiliating things about my brother taking care of me . im scared of what she thinks of me . then i asked her if it was ok for me to sometime tell her how things felt when this was going on . she seemed to get frustrated again and said if you feel it will help you ,you know you can talk to me about anything . but she earlier,when she was pushing me to talk about my brother,she said i can choose to sit there and talk about my health or my son and his dog but this is what i need to be talking about . it made me think she doesnt want me to talk about it any more after i just told her a little about it . i dont want to make her sound like she is horrible or unsympathetic. she also said thinks like wants me to see how horrible this story was and she is sorry .she also told me to call her if i need to because she knows it was a hard session . i dont think i would call her at this point even if i could but she only is in her office 2 days a week so i wouldnt reall be able to . anyway just wanted to vent a little. i feel im doing what i can like getting together with friends and stuff and i still end up feeling miserable

Granite, what she is saying is that you are finally getting to the root of your issues, and it is in talking about those most difficult issues where you will ultimately have the most healing. What I hear her telling you is that she absolutely wants you to continue to talk about the issues about your brother and mother because those are the issues that are really what keep pulling you down and holding you back. While the present stuff is important, much of the present issues are tied in knots with this older stuff.

This IS hard work and when you are in the midst of it, it is pretty normal to be really, really down about it. I remember feeling just mortified and sort of paralyzed when I finally started getting to the roots of my issues. But the more I revealed and processed through that, the more that weight and that paralysis lifted. Keep at it. You are doing the hardest work of therapy right now. Your therapist knows that and she isn't tired of hearing about it; heck, you just finally started talking about it.

This is our year of new appliances. We replaced our 25-year-old washer and dryer last summer, and today we have a new refrigerator coming to replace the 20-year-old one that has been limping along for awhile. Somehow I doubt I'll ever get 20 years out of my new appliances; things are just not built to last that long anymore. I'm just grateful that they waited until this year to retire. Of course, none of our kitchen appliances match anymore; oh well, my home isn't exactly a showplace anyway. It's very . . . homey.

I head back to school tomorrow. 8 more class periods with my 4th period class! Hallelujah! Such a squirrelly bunch. Ready to start over with a new set of kids (we are on an accelerated semester system, so it's sort of like college classes that they do a full year of work in one semester -- only four classes that are 90 minutes each day. Love this system. If the district ever decides to go back to a 7 period day, I might have to retire.

my babycake died 3 years ago today



=(

(((granite)))
(((junkDNA)))

Hi, couch...long time, no see.

I am doing so-so. Lots of stress going on right now. Took a leave of absence from my masters program because I was falling behind. Start back up next week.

Been locked in a small storage room at my school job all day since the middle of November. They pulled me from my classes to do "resource" where teachers send kids to me. Only no teachers send kids, so I am alone all day. The only room available was a former storage closet and that is where I am (half of it is still used for storage). It drives me bonkers being locked in there all day with no socialization. I hate it. I took an extended winter break from school. Kids were not out until Dec 22, but I took personal time to take the whole week off. Kids go back this Friday, but I am using personal time again to have another day. I have enough time saved up...I might as well use it. I also took personal time the 3 days before Thanksgiving to have the whole week off. I have just about had it with my school job, but the health insurance benefits are better than what I would get elsewhere and that is important with my meds and mental health appointments.

CVS is going pretty well. I worked overtime the week of Thanksgiving and on the holiday. I worked over time the week before Christmas and the week after Christmas as well as the holidays. My check for those 2 weeks comes this Friday. Pay stubs are posted online tomorrow, so I can check and see how "big" it is then. My estimate is about $1150 before taxes. Not bad for 2 weeks. But that would not happen every week.

Family stress just got worse in some areas and better in others. My mom and step-dad are not getting along and my mom has obtained a lawyer. My mom found drugs in my step-dad's sock drawer and checks to a bank account she didn't know he had. How does she have such luck with men?!?!? This is her 5th marriage and they all ended because of drugs, money, or affairs. She must be a magnet for weirdos. Step-dad is staying with his mom right now caring for her because she had knee surgery and is telling my mom that he wants to live separated for a while. I don't want to see my mom go through another divorce.

My mom for a few months has been noticing that her tires look bald, so she asked step-dad about them. He told her she had at least 15,000 miles left on them. Today she asked my brother what he thought. He said the were bald and dry-rotting. So, my mom took it into the guy who always does the oil changes on it to ask him. He said they were all 4 in the "red" zone as far as safety went. He looked in the profile for the car on the computer and told my mom they have been telling my step-dad since last Feb that the tires needed to be replaced and he refused to replace them. This pissed my mom off, so she made an appointment to get them replaced later this week. She thinks my step-dad is not concerned about her safety now and wanted her to have a blow-out and get hurt. Why I must be told all this I do not know and I would rather now know, but now I do and it is weighing on me.

In other news, my brother is out of rehab, has a job, is seeing a psychiatrist, is taking his meds, and functioning well. He took all the classes the court mandated to get his license back and paid all his fees and fines and is now able to drive again. So at least that is good news.

I just needed a place to vent as I just found all the mom/step-dad stuff out on the phone when my mom called me earlier. Now I am sick to my stomach and will be pre-occupied at CVS tonight. I can't call out though and maybe work will take my mind off of it.

T is on vacation right now until next week. I don't have an appointment until the 18th, and I am sure her schedule next week is booked after just coming back from vacation, so I can't even sort out my thoughts with her. Oh well, I guess they can just fester.

I will see pdoc on the 11th, so if I am still feeling this way then I can ask him for suggestions. I doubt there is a med to solve it and I do not want another med, so that is fine. Though maybe increasing my anxiety med would help. I just don't know. I may email him to ask about that as I am really on edge right now.

Well, I gotta go take my evening meds and get ready to leave for CVS despite my stomach being in knots and my mind going a mile a minute.

Thanks for listening couch. I am off at 10pm, so I should be home by 10:30ish and will check back in.

Hugs squirrel! Been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. Thats giid news about your brother. Thanks for saying hi and catching us up!

Hi squirrel! Yeah, we've been wondering about you, your name comes up every once in a while.

I'm glad to hear your mom figured it out about the tires in time. Thats pretty awful. Like something youd see on Crime TV. Then the oil change people have the evidence theyve been warning him? Scary and dumb. Maybe this will be a wake-up call for her.

It sounds like you are doing well, in spite of difficulties. You are making the best of them. That is maturity and taking good care of yourself. A hard lesson to learn. Im still learning it.

(((Granite))) (((JunkDNA))) (((Squirrel)))

Hey couch, scoot over, I need to flop and not squish anyone. Work was brutal, well, staying at work was brutal. I'm hurting from not laying down all day, and I miss my afternoon naps! Other than that I was glad to be out of my house. Hope you all had a decent day. . .

Hugs to those who need them!

Random question: Do you dream in color? I feel like I always have. But when I told my T about my recent dream, I said I've always had fairly vivid dreams, and I think being on an SSRI has enhanced them. And T said, "Being on an SSRI can also make you dream in color." To which I was like, "Wait, people don't normally dream in color? Huh." I'm pretty sure I can remember color details from my dreams. So just wondering, if you know, whether you dream in color or black & white?

I always dream in colour. I wonder if she meant dreaming of patterns of colours or something like that? Thinking about it, the concept of seeing images in black and white only came about with the invention of photography (except pencil drawings I guess) so I don't see why black and white imagery would come naturally to our psyche.