[retro_chic]

In session today I came to a horrible realisation. I realised no one is ever going to be "enough" for me. No matter what they do they will never be able to fill this massive void inside of me. I don't know how to get rid of all these bad feelings and make myself happy so I rely on other people to "save me" like my T but she can't do that. I feel as though she is the only person who really understands me but it still isn't enough. I don't even know if I'm explaining this right. It just feels as though no one can help me and I'm going to be like this forever. I feel guilty for even existing. Why am I like this? Why am I so pathetic? Everything is too much right now and I just wish that I didn't exist. I hate myself so incredibly much.

These words don't even begin to explain how I'm feeling but it's the best I can do at the moment.

[junkDNA]

i feel like this every day. my T fills the hole but its only temporary. 24 hours later i feel nothing again, i dont feel warm and cared about. i feel alone and abandoned and pathetic. i know people say the answer is to fill it yourself, but i think thats just some cheesy inspirational BS. i do think some of us have these voids that are too great for any one person or thing to heal... i might be wrong, though

[atisketatasket]

I don't know that I would say fill it yourself, I would say, fill it with things that aren't other people. That could be you, it could be a career, kids, hobbies, etc. Other people are finite, and emotional autarky is a very desirable goal.

[junkDNA]

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

I don't know that I would say fill it yourself, I would say, fill it with things that aren't other people. That could be you, it could be a career, kids, hobbies, etc. Other people are finite, and emotional autarky is a very desirable goal.

I meant that as well...I guess I just feel that those things seem meaningless to me

[alpacalicious]

There is someone who can fill your dark void, and it's yourself. I'm the same because I'm always searching for people, I want to be saved and to rely on them. But I, myself, have to be my friend, my best ally. Maybe it could be a problem of low self esteem...or maybe you don't want to be alone with yourself. When I'm alone, I always feel a lonely sensation, and suddendly I feel sad, hurted, because I'm alone. I'm trying to work on this, I try not to avoid moments when I'm alone, I try to listen to that lonely sensation. Sometimes I feel that void, that hole inside of me...Try to find some time to be alone, to feel that hole without acting. Sometimes there can be a tendence to act because by acting you won't feel that pain. Maybe I want to play a game, to eat, or to text people because I don't want to feel that emotion. But I have to feel it, it want to be listened to not ignored.

You don't have to be happy.
Realisations aren't horrible. They're the gateway to knowledge and understanding. Once we've mourned our losses, we find we can actually are able to feel our own void.

[BayBrony]

I think its a good first step to realize no one can fill that hole.
Im working on filling it myself. For me that is a spiritual/meditation exercise. I am a living breathing creature, part of a massive web of living, breathing creatures that has existed and transformed for millions of years. I am not better than any other creature, but nor am i less. I deserve the space, the light, the air , the water as much as a lion, or a dolphin, or my neighbor, or a cedar tree. I am never separated from anything. Everything that lives shares my life, and i share the life of everything that lives. I do not need to be, or do, or achieve anything. Like the coyote on the hill behind my house, i already am. I already am filled with blood and breath. I find my wholeness in my connection to all of nature. My suffering is not unique. The world is full of the abandoned, the sick, the orphaned, the lost. Even in my greatest pain i am not alone. The world over, others are feeling it just as i am.
It works for me, but requires regular meditation and discipline and time in nature to maintain my sense of wholeness and connection.
The good part is once you FIND this sense of connection, short of the whole planet exploding, there is no way to lose it.

[LonesomeTonight]

I'm dealing with something like this, too. A while ago, we were talking about something, and my marriage counselor was like, "Do you ever just feel like there's this void inside of you that no one can fill?" I thought about it for a second and replied, "Yes." He said something similar to what others on this thread have said, that no one can fill the void for me. Because the void probably comes from childhood, and it's not like I can go back and fix that. So I have to learn to fill it for myself. He said he and T (and H) could certainly help me with that, but it's mostly up to me.

It's come up again recently with my seeking reassurance. I feel like MC is the only person who will consistently give that to me (I try to tell H what I need, but he often seems either unwilling or unable to give it). So I've become very attached to him. But I know that seeking (and getting) reassurance can be a vicious cycle. I talked to him about it recently, mostly in the context of trying to lessen my attachment. He suggested that maybe other people *are* offering me reassurance, or in the case of H, more like security and connection. But maybe it's that I'm not open to it, whether out of fear or because I've been getting the message all my life that I shouldn't want/need that.

So I'm going to try working on opening myself up more to accepting that. Which I know won't be easy. One thing I was talking about with T yesterday is, though I'm not religious, trying to go to a local Unitarian Universalist church to make some connections there--that would give me something weekly to do (that isn't therapy!) and some like-minded, local people to connect with. I do have friends, but they're all pretty busy, so I can only see them once in a while. But maybe I'll try to connect with them more often, too. And of course try to be more open to connecting with H...

So, I understand, and yeah, it sucks...Hugs...

[Out There]

. This really speaks IF you can hear it.....

[tennisteam]

I know it seems like a horrible realization, but to me it sounds like you are on the path to something wonderful.

[ScarletPimpernel]

I realized years ago, that void can never be filled. But I don't believe the answer is trying to fill it. The answer is to build around it.

Imagine a bomb went off (trauma), and left a huge crater (void). The crater is so big, you can't fill it. You can try, but it just can't be filled. So what do you do? You can't move away, it's your life. So you build around it. You add family, friends, pets, jobs, hobbies, entertainment, etc. The hole is still there, but as you build up, the hole seems smaller and smaller and smaller. Then at one point, you look over your hole and you realize how much greater your life is compared to the trauma and the void left behind.

[objectclient]

I feel the same way. It's horrible and I'm sorry you're facing it too. I think my strategy of coping is to keep busy and keep an emotional distance from others as it's in relationships (of any kind that is, including therapy) that I feel the void the most.

[retro_chic]

Thank you everyone for your replies! It really means a lot to me. I don't have time to reply properly right now but I will later. Just wanted to say thanks!

[retro_chic]

So after I came home from my session last night I cried for about 2 and a half hours. Every time I'd think I was done more tears would come. I still don't really understand what's going on with me but I'm finally feeling a little bit better. I don't think I've ever suffered any kind of trauma or anything like that so why do I have all these issues? My parents are very loving and supportive but I have often felt there was some sort of "misattunement". I feel as though my feelings are wrong like my mum often says "don't be ridiculous" when I'm freaking out about something and I don't always get the sort of comfort that I need. I have often felt that I was not good enough for my parents. I don't know how to explain it. It sounds so trivial and it doesn't seem like a good enough explanation for this "void".

[Waterbear]

I sent you a PM the other day, I don't know if you saw it. To quote my T "it doesn't matter if it is right or wrong, whether what happened was 'bad enough' or not, it isn't about that, it just is, for you."

[Pennster]

Have you ever read the book Running on Empty? It's about how not getting the comfort you need as a child can hurt you as an adult.

I am sorry you are in so much pain.

[LonesomeTonight]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

So after I came home from my session last night I cried for about 2 and a half hours. Every time I'd think I was done more tears would come. I still don't really understand what's going on with me but I'm finally feeling a little bit better. I don't think I've ever suffered any kind of trauma or anything like that so why do I have all these issues? My parents are very loving and supportive but I have often felt there was some sort of "misattunement". I feel as though my feelings are wrong like my mum often says "don't be ridiculous" when I'm freaking out about something and I don't always get the sort of comfort that I need. I have often felt that I was not good enough for my parents. I don't know how to explain it. It sounds so trivial and it doesn't seem like a good enough explanation for this "void".

I used to think that I didn't have the right to feel upset about some stuff from my childhood, because it's not like I was abused or physically neglected. But from talking to T (and MC), I've learned that it's OK to feel that. My T has also mentioned the misattunement and said that my mom was not a good match for me in terms of personality. She's the type to hold emotions in and keep things secret. Plus she's really extroverted, so she didn't understand my introverted ways. Or my depression/anxiety/OCD. I didn't get the emotional support that I needed as a child, particularly regarding my mental health issues. And any "mistakes" like forgetting to turn in homework were things she wouldn't let me forget, so I became very hard on myself.

T was also saying in session this week that, according to attachment theory, it could be stuff back from when I was a baby/toddler, so before anything I could remember. Like maybe my parents--particularly my mom--didn't comfort me or hold me enough, something like that. She suggested maybe I ask my dad what he remembers from when I was a baby/toddler (but without saying specifically why I was asking). So might try that soon.

[Out There]

I'm glad you feel a little better. My work with my T's over the past few weeks was breaking through just to feel " sad ". ( when it can be masked by anger ). And I feel a little better now. I can identify what I wanted / needed / felt / thought wasn't ( and isn't sometimes ) considered " important ".

What is described in the OP is only one reason for me why not to expect to get everything from one single source. To me, that would be unrealistic and actually even unfairly demanding. You can build a support network and find things that fill different areas of your interests and needs. It's also safer because if one does not go well for some reason, it won't collapse the whole universe. I actually don't even like my therapists to try to get to everything about me and my life even if it is tempting on both sides at times.

Originally Posted by retro_chic

So after I came home from my session last night I cried for about 2 and a half hours. Every time I'd think I was done more tears would come. I still don't really understand what's going on with me but I'm finally feeling a little bit better. I don't think I've ever suffered any kind of trauma or anything like that so why do I have all these issues? My parents are very loving and supportive but I have often felt there was some sort of "misattunement". I feel as though my feelings are wrong like my mum often says "don't be ridiculous" when I'm freaking out about something and I don't always get the sort of comfort that I need. I have often felt that I was not good enough for my parents. I don't know how to explain it. It sounds so trivial and it doesn't seem like a good enough explanation for this "void".

Emotional neglect due to consistent or unpredictable misattunement = you aren't seen accurately, heard accurately, validated and unconditionally accepted for who you are as a child growing up. In my opinion, parents can be loving while totally missing out what you need, misattuning in terms of emotional connection and not repairing the little cracks and rifts.

Originally Posted by Waterbear

I sent you a PM the other day, I don't know if you saw it. To quote my T "it doesn't matter if it is right or wrong, whether what happened was 'bad enough' or not, it isn't about that, it just is, for you."

I fully agree. Emotional neglect is so painful for me partly because there's this emptiness...this ache that's always there, always simmering. Maybe you know something is wrong, but not what because it's omission (missing out on attunement, acceptance, being seen and heard accurately) rather than acts of commission.

Originally Posted by Pennster

Have you ever read the book Running on Empty? It's about how not getting the comfort you need as a child can hurt you as an adult.

I am sorry you are in so much pain.

I highly recommend this book too

[retro_chic]

Thanks again for all the replies!

I don't know why but I feel really uncomfortable about using the word "neglect". My parents try their best to do everything for me so to say that they were neglectful seems really cruel. I guess I'm still getting my head around all of this.

[Loco4]

Originally Posted by retro_chic

In session today I came to a horrible realisation. I realised no one is ever going to be "enough" for me. No matter what they do they will never be able to fill this massive void inside of me. I don't know how to get rid of all these bad feelings and make myself happy so I rely on other people to "save me" like my T but she can't do that. I feel as though she is the only person who really understands me but it still isn't enough. I don't even know if I'm explaining this right. It just feels as though no one can help me and I'm going to be like this forever. I feel guilty for even existing. Why am I like this? Why am I so pathetic? Everything is too much right now and I just wish that I didn't exist. I hate myself so incredibly much.


These words don't even begin to explain how I'm feeling but it's the best I can do at the moment.

You are enough. You fill your own void with self-love. A caring T will help massively too!!

Originally Posted by retro_chic

Thanks again for all the replies!

I don't know why but I feel really uncomfortable about using the word "neglect". My parents try their best to do everything for me so to say that they were neglectful seems really cruel. I guess I'm still getting my head around all of this.

Intentions don't negate harm caused though. I can mean very well, but still be accidentally stepping on your foot and causing you pain. Or I didn't have money for warm enough clothing so my child was cold.

Parenting isn't something intuitive in my opinion. If one doesn't know how to show emotional warmth, due to one's upbringing, it's really hard to learn otherwise.

I come from a Asian culture where children are seen as property sometimes, and love isn't shown in affectionate words or praise or emotional connection or "I love you", but by making sure there's food on the table, medicine and tuition for studies. Very undemonstrative despite how many Asian parents love their children.

Still can result in emotional neglect due to ignorance due to their own upbringing, working long hours for survival and being too exhausted to meet the child's emotional needs, good intentions but misattuned etc