[sunrise]

I'm pretty stressed out lately and all over the place with my moods and feelings: anxiety, sadness, anger, etc. I can't sleep and am just plain volatile, with things very near the surface. I've kept so much contained for so long that it is starting to seep out, and since I am such a novice at anger, I am not good at knowing what to do with it (besides stuff it inside). I think I am not much fun to be around lately. Who am I?

So last session I told my T about being so volatile and stuff seeping out. He said it sounds like I'm angry. He wanted to know if I wanted help with that or if I wanted to just let it be? There was this choice. I had to think about this. Sometimes there can be value in just sitting with your feelings in therapy with your T. But yet he also offered to actively help if I wanted that. A choice. My choice. I do love how he gives me choices and doesn't push one direction on me.

I asked him how he could help, and he said he thought EMDR would really help me release and process some of the anger I was stuck in. I readily agreed, since we have done EMDR several times in the past, and it really helped me. Although before we didn't do it for anger but for processing stuck trauma, so this would be something new. And I was curious. I am tired of not being able to sleep and feeling so stressed and angry. I feel like I am just not me anymore. And I need to be really functional for all of my divorce negotiations. So bring on the EMDR. We'll give it a go next week. In the meantime, T asked me to make a list of things I was angry about before our next session. I had already done a similar thing quite a few months ago, but this list would be somewhat different in focus and actually easier. So last night I sat down to work on my list and it just made me so angry to write down the things I was angry about. It was triggering. Was this supposed to help me? Or just get me ready for the EMDR? It made me feel awful. I don't think I'll work on the list anymore. I don't want to feel angry, and making this list only provoked more anger in myself.

I am so clueless about anger. Why is making a list helpful? Will we light a fire after the EMDR and burn the list together? (I'll bring the hot dogs if he brings the marshmallows.)

It all sounds very healthy and you seem to be approaching it very well. I have no idea about the best way to deal with anger, but I think experiencing it as you have been allowing yourself to do seems to be good. Best of luck.

[Lemon]

Sunny, I didn't know whether to smile or cry at your post! There was so much of me in what you are experiencing right now. I too am having feelings close to the surface, trouble sleeping etc etc.... So at my last T session she said also said that she thought I was angry. Like you I don't have any experience expressing that or any models from my family to fall back on. My T tried to get me to talk about things that I'm angry about, mostly in relationship to my marriage and pending divorce. I don't know if she does EMDR so I don't know the purpose of the list or how to help you with that, but she was definately trying to verbally get me to list out things that made me angry in the past. I'll be interested to hear how your next session goes.

I did like how your T gave you the option of what to do. I actually left my last T session angry at my T. I felt like she pushed to much in the session and we were kind of all over the place without making progress. The result was I left more angry that I started and didn't know what to do with it. It think the result was my anger was displaced from my husband to her. And now she's gone for 2 weeks, so who knows what I'll feel like sharing with her when she's back a week from Tuesday!

What exactly about the list was making you angry? Were you angry about the things on the list? Was the mere process of doing it making you mad?

Anger is also a function of autonomy in therapy. It is progress; the abilitiy to take an emotional stance that is different from T. Are you afraid at all of transference? Meaning... being afraid that if you bring the anger into session it will be transferred onto him?

I really like that he gave you that choice. Choosing to work on it is a huge step in the function of autonomy in itself.

[sunrise]

Thanks EV & Lemon.

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Sunny, I didn't know whether to smile or cry at your post! There was so much of me in what you are experiencing right now.

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Ahhhhh. (((Lemon))) Hang in there, girl.

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but she was definately trying to verbally get me to list out things that made me angry in the past

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Maybe they are just trying to get our anger to manifest, to make it come out of ourselves instead of remain stuck inside? But does it feel better to you to have it out in the open? It doesn't to me when it happens.

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It think the result was my anger was displaced from my husband to her.

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That's how I am feeling with everyone. People are getting caught unwittingly in my crossfire. I sure hope that one day they will understand that I was not myself.

[sunrise]

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pinksoil said:
What exactly about the list was making you angry? Were you angry about the things on the list? Was the mere process of doing it making you mad?

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I was angry about what I was writing on the list. Writing about those events triggered my feelings of anger. I wasn't mad about making the list itself.

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Anger is also a function of autonomy in therapy. It is progress; the abilitiy to take an emotional stance that is different from T. Are you afraid at all of transference? Meaning... being afraid that if you bring the anger into session it will be transferred onto him?

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My T said as I was leaving last time that I was making progress, so I guess he agrees. It hasn't occurred to me to be afraid of transferring anger onto T. I have shown him some anger in session, but not towards him, just displayed anger toward others in his presence, e.g. my husband. I haven't been afraid that I will transfer anger at my husband onto my T. Do you think that is coming? Do people tend to do that?

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I really like that he gave you that choice.

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Me too.

[Lemon]

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sunrise said:
Maybe they are just trying to get our anger to manifest, to make it come out of ourselves instead of remain stuck inside? But does it feel better to you to have it out in the open? It doesn't to me when it happens.

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It definately does not feel better to me when the anger begins to come out. I guess we're supposed to trust T that in the long run it will be better. When T and I were talking about this I think she was trying to get me to agree that getting the anger out might be better than feeling depressed. When she asked me if feeling angry felt worse than being depressed she seemed a little surprised when I said 'yes'. We think this is because I have so little experience with anger and so at least the depressed feeling are familiar even if being depressed doesn't feel good either.

[sunrise]

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Lemon said:
When T and I were talking about this I think she was trying to get me to agree that getting the anger out might be better than feeling depressed. When she asked me if feeling angry felt worse than being depressed she seemed a little surprised when I said 'yes'. We think this is because I have so little experience with anger

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Hmmmm, I think we may be clones. Feeling depressed also feels better to me than being angry. It kind of surprises me your T would be surprised by that. Is it that unusual to feel that way?

I have a much easier time feeling angry than depressed. Sometimes my depression makes me feel dead and I can't stand that. I am more comfortable in emotional extremes so it is easier for me to be angry. Anger activates me whereas depression deadens me. In session I often transfer my anger towards T. In general, I can turn angry very quickly, in a matter of seconds, when something happens that I don't like. I also act out my anger. In session I have worked on expressing my anger at my T, i.e. "I want to throw something at you, I hate you right now, etc, etc." but I still have trouble with "I want to throw something at you because..., I hate you because...., I'm mad at you because...." I used to be scared of anger in session because I thought it would destroy the relationship. I am the same way when it comes to my father. We have a very close relationship, but there are times of course, in which I get angry at him. I have a lot of trouble admitting it to myself, let alone to him. I look at my T and my father in a very similar light-- I tend to idealize and fear expressing anger-- for fear of "ruining" the relationship. I think in very black and white terms as you can see.

[sunrise]

That's interesting about your ability to do anger, pink. I commend you (I think!). It's not like I really prefer depression to anger, it's just that I know how to be depressed and I don't really know how to be angry, so it seems impossible and scary and mysterious and like the world will explode and I'll fall into a zillion pieces. Just don't know how to do it--no one in my family let me do it or showed me how. I hardly even know when I am angry. Depression just comes on me, I can't prevent it. But I have heard before that one cause of depression is suppressed anger. Don't know if that fits me or not, as I have a lot of other reasons to be depressed! During one of my couples sessions with my husband, I got angry at him. It was the first time in our 20 year marriage that we had a fight, and we did it right there in T's office. I guess I felt safe enough there to do it. (It's a complement to T.) But it was intolerable and I fell apart afterwards. That was when I went to the doctor to get some meds. I just couldn't tolerate it (not that the meds helped). My husband and I didn't talk to each other for a week after that. That was a few months ago. Now I am finding anger just seeping out of me, a little here, a little there, over the stupidest things. I hope the EMDR helps.

[Lemon]

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sunrise said:
Hmmmm, I think we may be clones.

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That made me smile.

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pinksoil said:
I have a much easier time feeling angry than depressed. Sometimes my depression makes me feel dead and I can't stand that. I am more comfortable in emotional extremes so it is easier for me to be angry.

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I'm the opposite of you Pink. I work to get to that dead state...I know not heathly.... and I think my T has decided to try to get mea to get the anger out. I am not comfortable in extremes at all. My whole life my family modeled only very narrow bands of emotion and if anything fell outside of that it was looked upon with shock and that it was somehow bad. Like sunrise said, I have no idea how to be angry. I don't think the world will end, but I think I will just feel worse and make a fool of myself.

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Anger activates me whereas depression deadens me. .

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That's how I feel about anxiety. The anxiety is uncomfortable so I make lists and get things done.

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but I still have trouble with "I want to throw something at you because..., I hate you because...., I'm mad at you because...."

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Is this the healthy way to express anger? Is this how your T has told you to express it? When you are able to express your anger like this does it help? I'm wondering because being able to express yourself that way doesn't seem to have as much emotion behind it so I wonder if it gives the same satisfaction as actually yelling or something.

[Rapunzel]

Sunrise, I'm with you on being uncomfortable with anger. I also never learned what to do with anger as a child, and I had a lot of it. I just stuffed it, because I got in trouble when I exploded at anybody. Anger wasn't acceptable in my family. When we try to hold it in, it never goes away though. It poisens us from within, and it seeps out where we don't want it too. Sometimes we might act out passive-aggressively, or other times we might explode or implode, but whichever way, it isn't pretty, and it hurts us and the people we love, probably a lot more than if we could just express the anger.

My T had me make a list of what I was angry about recently too. After I did that (and it was hard, and I wasn't comfortable about it, and felt stupid for holding on to all that stuff), she said that the purpose was for me to recognize that I am a very angry person. Somehow, I think there is still a lot more processing to be done with that.

I can also unserstand anger sometimes being easier to handle than depression. Sometimes depression gets so old that anything might feel better. I remember feeling better once while actively thinking about killing myself. I was so tired of being numb, and it was thrilling to feel something, just anything. For people who have been able to express anger, it might feel better because it could be familiar, and because it feels good to get it out.

Have you ever seen the movie or play, "Man of La Mancha?" It's one of my all time favorites, and I admire a character called Aldonza, or Dulcinea as Don Quijote calls her. She's a very low-born woman who works and cleans up at an inn, and makes extra pocket change through prostitution. I like her because even though she's stuck in a life that nobody would choose, she is strong. It's her anger that makes her seem strong. When Don Quijote calls her his Lady though, and starts treating her with the utmost chivalry, she can't stand it and breaks down. It's part of a healing process for her, although she hates it at the time. She prefers anger. One verse of one of her songs, that has always stuck with me, is:

"Can't you see what your gentle insanities do to me - rob me of anger and leave me despair! Blows and abuse I can take and give back again. Tenderness, I cannot bear!"

((((((((Rap))))))))))))

[MissCharlotte]

Sunrise,

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My T said as I was leaving last time that I was making progress, so I guess he agrees. It hasn't occurred to me to be afraid of transferring anger onto T. I have shown him some anger in session, but not towards him, just displayed anger toward others in his presence, e.g. my husband. I haven't been afraid that I will transfer anger at my husband onto my T. Do you think that is coming? Do people tend to do that?

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I'll tell you Sunrise, I think it's coming for me next week.

I am angry with T for being away and I think it's time I told him how I feel.

I, too, am more comfortable with my depression than with anger. But I think the depression is anger turned inward.

1 week 1 day till my next appointment
4 days till I can call T

[dalila]

[b]<font color="green">Growing up, I learned that anger was forbidden to me. Others were allowed to be angry but not me. I was beaten if I so much as showed an expression of anger on my face. So I would stuff it and deny it until I would explode, but then I always burst into tears of fear. Soon after that I would turn the anger on myself and SI.

The shame and fear anger brings me is overwhelming and all I want to do is punish myself for feeling it. Even writing like this is hard. I can feel the panic grip my heart.

Thanks to my therapist I am getting better with it. I have actually had three blow ups that were very angry without hurting anyone [not even me ] but it is not easy. The anger feels out of control and huge. But I am beginning to have a choice about anger, to express it verbally or do something to deal with it physically [not hurting anyone but maybe hit a pillow, well yall know that stuff LOL.]