So frustrated with last session and T

You have to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, know when to walk away and know when to run.
There are many times when talking is just not the thing and leaving is the better part of valour.

I don't think there's anything at all therapeutic or respectful for a therapist to show up to work moody and not acknowledge that their mood is affecting the person's therapy (and then, as in the OPs case, not acknowledge it until a spouse calls to find out what's going on).

They often tell clients not to be mind readers, so I think that needs to include not having to read the therapist's mind about why things feel so off or weird. What's wrong with them saying at the top of the hour, I'm sorry if I'm not myself today. I'm going through something that's not related to you, and it's affecting my mood.

I went through about 6 months of therapy not knowing that my therapist had been through three major losses until she said something to me when I asked for an "in the event of sudden death" letter to be given to me so that I don't show up for an appointment one day and she's not around and no one has called. I asked for the letter because of the death of another provider and two who moved prior to that, and she said she needed to catch her breath because of these losses of hers. So all that time, I had no idea, and I wish I had. I wasn't upset about not knowing because it wasn't like she was being cold or weird, but it might have explained certain days that seemed off that I couldn't find a reason for.

Maybe that's why you're struggling or seeing two different therapists in the same week...

Nope. Not at all. Not struggling either. I use each therapist in the way that works best for me.

Instead of saying, "well i see you cant take care of me today so i will leave in order to unconsciously take care of you," what if the OP would have said, "i see you cant take care of me today as you usually do, AND ITS MAKING ME ANGRY."

Eta - i acknowledge its difficult to stay in the moment and putvwords to what we are feeling at the time, but that IS our only job in t, imo.

When a therapist works with people who are sensitive to other people's emotions, esp those with trauma background where it was survival, they have got to accept that they can't hide it when they've checked out or are otherwise wrapped up in their own struggles. And if they don't say anything by way of acknowledging what they are bringing or not bringing to session, then it becomes a replay of early dynamics where the person knows something is wrong, but can't pinpoint what...and it feeds all sorts of fears and anxieties that the client already know exists (reason for therapy for many) and doesn't need to have re-enacted.

And no, the OP HAS NOT made an attempt to see the other; although she admittedly say she has. Because doing so requires a conversation about the issue. Again, something along the lines of "Hey, I'm concerned about our progress these last couple of sessions. My husband mentioned (insert trauma here). Are you okay?" Or "Hey, is everything okay. I feel like something has been off with you lightly."

To OP,

While I've not exactly had your experience I can sympathize with you and understand where you are coming from completely. My T is very good at giving me warning when he will be away and we do planning for it. If something comes up urgently and he has to cancel last minute he leaves the door open for emails. He's been very good over 4 years at not showing how he's doing in life in sessions but is still able to show emotional reactions to things I feel or have dealt with. However there was a time I had a therapist that was not so good at self care and keeping her stuff out of our sessions. I tried to ask her if something was wrong things felt off and when she would say no I would blame myself. Never any nail picking or anything (which is horrible by the way) but she wouldn't pick up on things very much wouldn't ask the extra questions to get the whole story and stuff. Eventually our therapy ended due to me moving and finding another therapist but it was rocky for a bit. Looking back I feel like had I brought it up in a way to say that I feel like it's my fault when you are distant and different then usual and it's affecting me negatively that she would have probably changed that behavior or something and maybe I would've felt more inclined to keep her as my therapist when I moved but that never happened.

All I can suggest is if the behavior continues to try to voice your feelings in a nice respectful way. Sure sometimes Ts have bad days and while I don't think cancelling is necessarily a good thing unless they can rebook soon (it really depends on the client and where they're at) I do think that advising the client they are having an off day and it's not their fault is an option then it's up to the client to keep the appointment or reschedule based on their preference maybe.

Anyway sorry I don't have much advice. I just wanted you to know I understood where you're coming from and feel you have very valid points and I don't think it's your fault at all and she should have made that clear to you not just to your husband.

Good luck and I hope you can find some peace with this and make the best choice FOR YOU. Best of luck.

OP - how would you have felt if she had cancelled on you for not being 100% but not cancelled on another client because of the different needs of the clients?

I don't think there's anything at all therapeutic or respectful for a therapist to show up to work moody and not acknowledge that their mood is affecting the person's therapy (and then, as in the OPs case, not acknowledge it until a spouse calls to find out what's going on).

They often tell clients not to be mind readers, so I think that needs to include not having to read the therapist's mind about why things feel so off or weird. What's wrong with them saying at the top of the hour, I'm sorry if I'm not myself today. I'm going through something that's not related to you, and it's affecting my mood.

I went through about 6 months of therapy not knowing that my therapist had been through three major losses until she said something to me when I asked for an "in the event of sudden death" letter to be given to me so that I don't show up for an appointment one day and she's not around and no one has called. I asked for the letter because of the death of another provider and two who moved prior to that, and she said she needed to catch her breath because of these losses of hers. So all that time, I had no idea, and I wish I had. I wasn't upset about not knowing because it wasn't like she was being cold or weird, but it might have explained certain days that seemed off that I couldn't find a reason for.

It is not my job to take care of her needs. When I mentioned something about the death of her father this time last year and how sorry I was etc. T made it very clear that it was not my place to comment or be concerned about her.....

To be honest I would never have known. I have never in all the 10 years of seeing T seen another client. I would have been fine with a cancellation though. Equally with the nail picking session, T was clearly not up to the job, SO distracted as her daughter's wedding was coming up in 2 weeks. She should not have been working. And also announced that session that she was taking a month off which I didn't know either. I was due to have a session the following week and then a 2 week break.

This is not the therapist just not being at their best one day - the OPs example was a therapist who was not even just doing reasonably okay. OP did not say she expected perfection - but the therapist is being paid to do a job. You wouldn't excuse a house painter who left off a wall or tracked paint on the rug by saying they aren't perfect or had an off day. You wouldn't excuse a surgeon who cut out the wrong organ because they are not perfect. You wouldn't eat raw chicken because the chef is human. In my opinion, that line of thinking is just ********.

The problem is I had no idea at the time that T had stuff going on. I really thought it was me. I thought T was frustrated with me because I wasn't in a great mood and had all my barriers up that she couldn't get through. I had no idea or reason to think she had anything going on that was affecting her. If she doesn't say it, I don't know.

Its not about what you knew about t or how she was feeling. Its about you taking the chance and saying, something feels off. Instead of "putting your barriers up". I still cant figure out how it came to pass that your h called your t. Did you ask him to? Why would she even talk to him? Were you acting scary?

It doesnt sound like your t is strong enough to contain your feelings. Maybe your h needs help with that too?