Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

I write here when the feels are strong...

Dear T,

Get ready for the Spanish inquisition. What were you doing there, right there? OK, that's obvious you were having a drink with your daughter, but why there? Not that I mind, I don't think. What were you drinking? Did you see me? I saw you. Did you notice that I ignored you? You walked right past my house, I have no idea how I feel about that. I don't think I feel anything. Do you drink there at other times? I don't think that you do because you said that you don't often come up my end of the village. Will you go back there again? I wish I could go out with you like that. I bet you had a lovely walk and talk. I wish that I had someone to do that with. Maybe I do, but it just will never be the same as a Mother Daughter thing. That should be special, in my mind. That can't be replicated. I wish you would adopt me and be my Mother, in a grown up way. My Mum never even saw my house. You have seen more of my life now than she will. I know that is obvious, but you have also seen more of my life than my Mum ever did. Honestly, I feel nothing. What did you feel if you saw me. Were you ignoring me too? I would have looked up and smiled and said hello if you had been on your own but I did not want to see your daughter's face. I don't think I wanted to see the two of you together, even though I already had. I know I get the best bits of you and right now, that is the only way that this will work, but what about the future? I wish I could get into your head and get an honest answer about what you think about the future. But, maybe you don't know either. Let's just keep going how we are for now, hey, because we are doing some very good work right now. See you tomorrow T, and I have no idea whether I will bring this up. I think I possibly will, because it will feel in the way if I don't, though I really don't think that I will tell you or ask you all of this!!!

Hi T,

I'm really wondering what you meant when you said none of what I was telling you made sense. Please believe me.

Hi T. I'm going to email you on Wednesday like I said I would. I'm looking forward to hearing from you. I'm doing okay though.

I'm at the hospital tomorrow morning for the first time in a while. The tests will probably be nothing compared to some of the previous ones I've had, but my anxiety is starting to kick in anyway. I don't want to go back there.

I guess you'd just tell me to do some breathing. Oh the irony.

I'm sorry I texted you. I'm just having a panicky moment. I know I can handle this and nothing at the moment is technically wrong. Now I'm adding the fact that I even bothered you to my list of things to worry about.

I secretly wish someone would just rescue me. Tell it's okay and everything will be alright.

I've got to reset.

Sorry for cutting the session short. I was wired and tired all at once and couldn't think straight. Thank you for offering another time, though.

And thanks for visiting my Flickr site. Glad that you enjoy it.

I just felt a wave of heartache over the ex. You are right. It will come back to me over the holidays here and there, and I'm grateful we discussed how I'd manage that. I just thought that a piece of my heart was with him and now he's not there to hold it. Yeah, that's sad.

Dear MC,
I wish we could have had like another hour today. Or maybe I could have just curled up on the lion pillow in your office for another hour so I could feel safe for a bit longer.

Also sorry for bringing up the thing about our friend in the waiting room dealing with anniversary of her husband's death and not being sure what to say to her. I apparently had a momentary brain lapse and forgot about your recent loss. I think I just made it more awkward when it hit me,and I tried to pull back from my comment. I'm sure you'd have preferred if I'd just let it go but I felt bad. I want to ask you how you're coping, but I suspect you'd say something generic like "things are fine." Wish I could support you, but I know that's not my role. But please know I'm thinking of you and hoping you're managing OK.

Wish we were seeing you sooner than next Wednesday...stupid spring break Messing with my therapy schedule.

Love you,
LT

Why am I struggling so much with this break? I'm not sure what to even do with myself. I want to sleep the next 3 1/2 weeks away and I just wish that was an option in my world.

Giving away my session time to someone else makes me feel like i was kicked in the stomach.

I told you that treatment was only temporary and there was no other time i could do it. Why didnt you bother to ask me? Ive always been flexible with the schedule when you needed me to be.

Feeling really hurt. Why would you do that to someone? Or am i just being overreactive and dramatic again? Im confused why i shouldnt be upset. Its really confusing

T - you said I could have it back at anytime, did you mean literally, could I ask for it back or did you mean that figuratively because it's mine/me and you don't have it. I want it back. Give it back. - me

my T did that because he thought i didnt want it. OR... he did it becasue he didnt want to deal with me. who knows. either way it was very hurtful for me

Was it the T you have now? Im sorry : (

yep

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t - about to head to bed, I want an email from you.

I am glad that I made the untalkable, talk able. Thank you for your patience. It doesn't change how I see you. I am glad that you were able/are able to give your love to another generation. That is a wonderful thing to do. I wish that my Mum could have done this for me, of course I do, and it makes me sad that I will never have this. But that is a necessary sadness, I think.

Thank you for answering my questions and recognising that they came from a place that needed to be settled. I understand that most people know you as blank, though I will be truthful and say that I find that a bit surprising. Maybe most people don't care. I don't know. Maybe most people have too much going on in their own lives to worry about things like that, or maybe most people wouldn't like to ask. Maybe most people aren't so 'involved in the relationship'. Whatever, I am lucky to have you and your willingness to consider opening up to me, because it wouldn't work if you didn't, I don't think. As I said before, I would get hung up on 'us' and your withholding, rather than allowing it to be out there and moving on to what really matters.

When you said you think you were trying to protect me, that was nice. I understand. I know the answer, I think. You see your children a lot, I imagine. You love them and they love you and that is OK with me. Am I jealous, maybe, in a small way, but I wouldn't call it jealousy or envy, more a sad acceptance of what was never destined to be mine.

I am going to ask you something by email and I have no idea what you will think of the idea. I don't really know what I think of the idea, so maybe we could talk about it one day. I have often wondered if it would be a possibility. It would make things like that easier, I think.

I love you T, I wonder if you know that.

Hi T. Holding out till tomorrow to email you. Miss you. I feel very far from you.

Where the hell were you?

T - bad morning with wife, I want an email from you. I know I won't get one and I am sad about that. I don't think it was all a lie. I just think it is not in the cards for me. Maybe there is no other point than that. I want to quit therapy. I don't want to talk to you. Even when I am angry with you and part of me hates you (hates this), I still love you and crave your calm bubble. I still want to see you. Can we please not talk, cuz I don't want to cancel? And can I please have it back? -me

Dear T,
We talked about social anxiety last night and although at the time I thought you understood, I don't think you do. Telling me to stop caring what other people think of me sounds like a great idea, but that's like asking me to make a quantum leap in my thinking. It's not like I've got an off switch in my brain for anxiety. If I did, I would need to see you!

Not sure how I feel T. Nothing physical but still all over the place. Don't know what to do for the best, everything or nothing. Aaaarrrrrgggggghhhhh I am getting tired of this f*****g rollercoaster all of the time. Why can't I just be in a good place for a decent amount of time? Why can't I just open up to people in my life? It isn't fair. I had to deal with all of that crap growing up and now I have to deal with all of this crap now getting over that crap. Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh. Maybe. Just maybe these are angry thoughts, but I don't feel angry. This huge disconnect drives me insane in my head and I font know what, if anything, I can do about it.

Everyone has crap, I am no different to everyone else in that respect, so why is it important?

You rubbed my hand today when I said that I was ashamed of being me. That felt like it made you sad, to see those words written down by me. You don't know the half of it in that respect, of how I feel about myself sometimes.

I DO NOT understand how I am supposed to make friends, real friends. I DO NOT understand this thing about sharing little by little and growing closer together. It doesn't make any f*****g sense to me AT ALL. I share a little bit and then I run away and hide and they do not come to find me so I stay hidden, until I pop out again weeks later, because I feel alone, and pretend that the sharing never happened. How do I get past that????!!!!! How on earth am I supposed to change that behaviour. We gave talked about writing it all out and just handing it over to them and then they can decide if they want to hang around a person as messed up as me, but you haven't seemed too convinced by this idea in the past. But to me, it feels like the only way that I can do this. It will take literally forever otherwise. It will never happen. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HUMAN INTERACTION. This makes me feel like an alien and then I interact less than I was before. Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh.

Oh, and, Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh some more!