Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Demunie · Apr 11, 2017, 01:41 PM

T,
I tried to call the hotline. I was chuckling because I didn't know what to say. The woman on the phone hang up.

Possible trigger:

I have cuts on my face, ears and ... other parts of my body

It took me everything to call there. And they hung up.

Demunie · Apr 11, 2017, 01:44 PM

I get that they hang up. They can't have joke calls. They have too much to do. Still...

WrkNPrgress · Apr 11, 2017, 02:31 PM

Just accepting your offer for a phone session made me cry. That's where I was at in my head at that moment. I needed to know I could talk to someone and I didn't realize how desperately I needed that support until I finally accepted your offer.

Thank you. Talk to you soon.

healed84 · Apr 11, 2017, 02:47 PM

T-

I know you don't care that I email you and that you can see that it helps to get all my emotions out. But today I am afraid to email you because I don't want to alarm you. I just want to be honest like I have been with my emotions, but they are getting lower and lower as time goes on. Please don't be alarmed when I email you.

SummerTime12 · Apr 11, 2017, 03:02 PM

I'm proud of myself for finally opening up to you about what's been bothering me for so long.. it was difficult, but thank you for responding so well

LonesomeTonight · 03:49 PM

Dear MC,
I know my e-mail was really long. But you should probably pay more attention to what's in the end, where I say how much I'm struggling right now. I know it's probably tempting to just be like "Good job!" re: the first part about my trusting/feeling safe with you. But that's just the opening part... I hope you have time to write something supportive and/or encouraging back in the next few days.

And then I promise to do my best to leave you alone more over the next few weeks...this was just timed badly with the paternal transference thing happening after I saw T last week due to the change in schedule and then with her being on vacation this week. So she's not an option for reaching out right now. Also, I probably do want to actually talk about the transference thing more, since we only briefly touched on it yesterday. But I know I had to prioritize what H wanted to discuss.

Miss you.
Love,
LT

PS--sorry if I'm being annoying. I know you wouldn't say it if I was. And you'd say that even if I *was* annoying you, it would be OK. But...I'd rather know if I am. I think. OK, I'd rather you just say I'm not annoying and seem like you mean it...

Waterbear · Apr 11, 2017, 03:21 PM

Thank you for being there for me T. Thank you for your words. You do really care about me, don't you? Thank you for telling me that. Maybe I should care about me more, too. Telling you I am going to look after myself means that I am more likely to. I might even go one step further and change my bedding too! I am glad I felt that anger too, and even more pleased that I managed to find a way to express it without it controlling me. I felt better after that, which I think is a good thing. Like we talked about the other week, maybe the point of feeling the anger is so that it can be moved past.

Apr 11, 2017, 06:04 PM

Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Elio · Apr 11, 2017, 06:38 PM

Dear Dr. S, I'm doing better, used coping mechanism, not the best one, not the worse one ... feel better. *shrug* I still don't want to talk about any of this but can talk now about other stuff. See you in 23.5 hours. I still want it back, give it back. You know I can't ask for it back, can you show it to me though. Can I touch it? I want to know you still have it. You do still have it, don't you? You didn't throw it away. I'd be sad if you did. I know this is all so silly, it just feels so real. - me

Elio · Apr 11, 2017, 06:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demunie

I get that they hang up. They can't have joke calls. They have too much to do. Still...

Anything you want to talk about? You can PM me if you want.

Apr 11, 2017, 08:00 PM

T,

I feel like we need to have a conversation about boundaries. I've wanted to email you for days to tell you how I've been. But I've never emailed you before. I don't know how you would feel about that. I looked at your website, but I didn't see anything about emails. I look at your website a lot. I hope you don't think that's weird. But just in case I started looking at it anonymously so that you can't see my IP address. Okay, that's a little bit weird. I'm sick right now, so I'm a little loopy. I'm going to take some Tylenol PM and get some sleep. I'll see you on Saturday. I'm too chicken to email you beforehand. Even though I wish you knew how much I've been struggling.

Daisy

LonesomeTonight · Apr 11, 2017, 08:21 PM

Dear T,
I hope you're having fun with your grandson in NYC, and he's not running you too ragged. At the same time, I *really* wish you weren't on vacation this week and that I was seeing you tomorrow. (After the e-mail I sent MC, he's probably wishing you were in town, too!)
See you Tuesday.
Love,
LT

velcro003 · Apr 11, 2017, 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Waterbear

Not sure how I feel T. Nothing physical but still all over the place. Don't know what to do for the best, everything or nothing. Aaaarrrrrgggggghhhhh I am getting tired of this f*****g rollercoaster all of the time. Why can't I just be in a good place for a decent amount of time? Why can't I just open up to people in my life? It isn't fair. I had to deal with all of that crap growing up and now I have to deal with all of this crap now getting over that crap. Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh. Maybe. Just maybe these are angry thoughts, but I don't feel angry. This huge disconnect drives me insane in my head and I font know what, if anything, I can do about it.

Everyone has crap, I am no different to everyone else in that respect, so why is it important?

You rubbed my hand today when I said that I was ashamed of being me. That felt like it made you sad, to see those words written down by me. You don't know the half of it in that respect, of how I feel about myself sometimes.

I DO NOT understand how I am supposed to make friends, real friends. I DO NOT understand this thing about sharing little by little and growing closer together. It doesn't make any f*****g sense to me AT ALL. I share a little bit and then I run away and hide and they do not come to find me so I stay hidden, until I pop out again weeks later, because I feel alone, and pretend that the sharing never happened. How do I get past that????!!!!! How on earth am I supposed to change that behaviour. We gave talked about writing it all out and just handing it over to them and then they can decide if they want to hang around a person as messed up as me, but you haven't seemed too convinced by this idea in the past. But to me, it feels like the only way that I can do this. It will take literally forever otherwise. It will never happen. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HUMAN INTERACTION. This makes me feel like an alien and then I interact less than I was before. Aaaaarrrrrggggghhhhh.

Oh man Waterbear, do I UNDERSTAND THAT! I do the same thing, and i know i am only shooting myself in the foot, but it feels so much safer and easier to just not reach out and be alone, bc other people's opinions of me are frightening. I have no answer, as I am literally working through this right now too

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demunie

T,
I tried to call the hotline. I was chuckling because I didn't know what to say. The woman on the phone hang up.

Possible trigger:

I have cuts on my face, ears and ... other parts of my body

It took me everything to call there. And they hung up.

WHOA. Why on earth did they hang up on you?!?! I don't see how a call to a crisis line can be seen as a "joke" call. Ugh, i am sorry.

Quote:

Originally Posted by healed84

T-

I know you don't care that I email you and that you can see that it helps to get all my emotions out. But today I am afraid to email you because I don't want to alarm you. I just want to be honest like I have been with my emotions, but they are getting lower and lower as time goes on. Please don't be alarmed when I email you.

T's are hard to alarm, unless you are in imminent danger to yourself or others. I think your T will be okay, and I hope YOU are okay.

annielovesbacon · Apr 11, 2017, 08:59 PM

T,
I don't know what's wrong with me. We had a discussion on Friday about how you can tell I'm truly trying to implement the strategies you teach me, that I come to every session because I want to get better. That's true, but at the same time I keep choosing to engage in self destructive behaviors because there's some small part of me that wants to ruin my own life. I don't know why, and that part of me scares me. I have no idea why I would want to ruin my own life but I do. I think it stems from the hoplessness I have that I will never get better.
I'm sorry, T. I really am trying. I promise to try harder. Please don't be disappointed in me.
Annie

LonesomeTonight · Apr 11, 2017, 09:28 PM

MC,
Sorry I'm so annoying...I should just send the really short version of the e-mail the first time, and just put those other ramblings in a journal or whatever. Thanks for putting up with me.
Love,
LT

Apr 11, 2017, 10:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demunie

T,
I tried to call the hotline. I was chuckling because I didn't know what to say. The woman on the phone hang up.

Possible trigger:

I have cuts on my face, ears and ... other parts of my body

It took me everything to call there. And they hung up.

Im so sad for you. Are you sure she didn't accidentally hung up? If she did hang up on you purposely, could you report her? Or if you don't want to, if you give me her name and #, I will report her.

Ive never called a hotline and never could. I don't want to talk with complete strangers but don't trust them either. There a lot of supportive people here.

Well not always, sometimes we get crickets. That's hard.

I hope you are feeling better.

Apr 11, 2017, 10:06 PM

i'm scared to go back to you, that you will harm me, even though you surprised me in the past being nice when I expected you to be angry. But giving my session away makes me think you do really hate me. Would you have done that with a client who you enjoyed being with? I doubt it. Scared and needing you at the same time is really dysregulating. If are kind to me and understanding, i think it could be helpful in our relationship.

Now I keep feeling like you are going to be that mechanical lion in my dream that was chasing me, with the deafening roar the made the world shake. My sister saved me and pulled me on the roof, but it had power and jumped high and reached the roof-then i woke up. sort of fuzzy with the ending. But it's hard when I have that pit in my belly that you are going to be the monsterous lion.

cinnamon_roll · Apr 12, 2017, 12:08 AM

art T,

the week after last week's session was ok. Surprisingly so. I didn't expect it, but I try to just accept it and not to question it. Feeling thankful.

And yet: Right before this week's group I start anticipating. What could turn up and/or go "wrong". I know, my problem is not that things "go wrong" but that I tend to loose myself in this group context.

So can you please help me somehow to stay true to myself and to whatever it is that I might need or want? I'm not sure what help I need in this context. And I know I get seriously annoyed whenever you don't let me off the hook. and yet: Your insisting, your persistent questions - what is it that YOU need right now - do help to remind me, that I am 'allowed' to have needs, and wishes and desires. And also to hold onto them and to voice them.

I#m a bit nervous with regard to tonight's group session. But at least this sinking feeling of "I don't want to go there" is gone for now. Hoping the positive trend will continue...

Feeling more positive,
c_r

atisketatasket · Apr 12, 2017, 12:47 AM

Weeping instead of sleeping tonight.

Elio · Apr 12, 2017, 09:15 AM

Dear Dr. S,

9 hours to go. Look I've held to my new resolution of not emailing you. We'll see how I do over the weekend with that resolution. Still don't want to talk about any of this. Still want it back. I'm afraid you threw it away. Starting to feel small, under table small. Can I sit under the desk today? Can I just share music with you? We have not had floor time in many weeks now - are we ever going to have that room back? Today, I don't want to grow up.

I wish I was artistic so I could draw the images in my head.

I miss the good feelings of you, us. I don't want to be here.

-me

AmandaBroken · Apr 12, 2017, 09:17 AM

Dear Michelle...

Thanks for calling me to let me our appointment was canceled. I pray the peace of God be with you at this time as you prepare to say goodbye to you lost loved one.

Amanda

Waterbear · Apr 12, 2017, 10:02 AM

I would love to play my saxophone for you one day, but you won't be able to look at me playing. I might give you a little concert. I am going to (want to) choose a couple of pieces and work really hard on them until I am super happy with them and then bring a CD to play along to.

Waterbear · Apr 12, 2017, 10:06 AM

I would love to play my saxophone for you one day, but you won't be able to look at me playing. I might give you a little concert. I am going to (want to) choose a couple of pieces and work really hard on them until I am super happy with them and then bring a CD to play along to. I want to but I think it would be super difficult. But then again, it would probably be very good for me because of that.

Apr 12, 2017, 10:10 AM

Dr C,

I will probably regret my confession to you via text. Oh well, I guess on Tuesday I'll see if you'll terminate me. It would be a valid consequence.

Apr 12, 2017, 10:46 AM

I wish we had scheduled for today.

Menu

Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

My Support Forums