Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

I feel like I am to blame for everything that happened in the Smaug episode.

T,

Jeg elsker deg. 我爱你。I love you.

I'm amazed that you said you feel like you're trying to get closer, but unable to; and that you see I'm trying to open up but are unable to. You said that after we talked about my confession of recording sessions. It amazes me that you still want to get closer after that. That you still wonder each time if it's you not being good enough at providing safety. I thought that if you didn't fire me, you would have given me a stern reprimand. But you said you wanted to be closer...I don't understand.

i cant stop rubbing my ears?

Since I ran into you, you've been on my mind a lot. I think about how great it was to see you again, two months after my second and final therapy ending. How greatful I am for it and how thoughtful you were to make it able for me to approach you. Unfortunately, I keep thinking about whether I should or shouldn't have said things. I want to turn to my old coping mechanism of emailing you, but I won't. I can't.

I had this wonderful dream about you last night. About that moment I ran into you. In my dream we hugged. I think I started it, but you didn't want to let go. When I woke up, I had all these beautiful feelings about it. They even distracted me when I was driving my car.

I know that you having to cancel my session today because you're sick has nothing to do with abandonment but why does it feel that way? Why does my brain continue to torture me with stupid stuff like that? I tried so hard for about a week to be "positive" and "strong" but that took so much mental energy and now I'm exhausted. I can't stop thinking about how much I hate myself and how fat and disgusting I look. We haven't talked about that very much...

Oh, dear T. I'm so glad you texted me before school started. One less thing to worry about

T-

You're very close to receiving a very needy whining email from me. I know there is a chance that you took the week off because you're in spring break. However, it's been weeks since you have responded to me throw email and I hate it!!

Dear MC,
Have you not read my e-mail yet? (Completely understandable because it was sent at like 9 last night). Have you read it and are just going to call? (If so, wish you'd respond saying that--and I know you'll invariably call while we're out for D's b-day tonight or while I'm at the doctor's tomorrow morning...) Have you read it and are debating how to respond and/or whether to call?
(Yeah, I know, this is what I get for e-mailing you...)
LT

Dear R,

Thank you for your kind words and reassurance today. I needed to know that it's OK to cry. It's all I can do not to send you a post session ramble, but knowing you have to be at your computer at the moment to pick up emails prevents me from doing so. Please keep me talking next week. It's important that I don't withdraw into myself, as I said.



See you next Wednesday....

art T,

not sure whether I will actually tell you:
But I've realized, I'm looking forward to group session next week.
Kind of.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder - or something along those lines.

c_r

Hey t,
Thank you so much for mentioning that email. I'd forgotten all about it, how funny. I'm glad you so totally understand the feelings. You rock, lady.
Love,
Me

I just watched some of your video to hear your voice and see your mannerisms, and i didn't feel the love for you i normally do. Sigh. I want to go back to normal.

Dear T,
Totally freaking out about D getting sick in school today. She wants to snuggle, and I keep trying to keep her mouth and fingers (since she sucks her thumb) away from my face. Because of the whole phobia thing. And then I feel like a bad mom...At least she seems in good spirits. And I'm trying to put on an OK front while using all kinds of antibacterial stuff....
Love,
LT

I think it feels safe T , not having to use all my energy defending myself. Safe and boundaried. I could relax instead of wanting to run. That's new and I'll have to get used to it. It's what stability looks like. It's confusing though.

You are not a bad mum. In fact you're a great mum for giving her snuggles despite how afraid you are.

Dear Dr. S, Miss you. I want different touch than just a handshake. I feel the next few sessions are going to be hard. Trying to think of things that I/you/we could do to make them not as hard. See you tomorrow. - me

T, i wish i had asked for a 90 minute session yesterday. I really wasn't ready to stop when we did. Then again another 30 minutes might have made it even harder to leave. I really liked that you had that music playing when i first came in. And that later you got up and got a candle. I was so wired i needed all the help i could get to relax. And oh yeah it was wonderful laughing together as i described my tears at work and how my sup just handed me kleenex like here we go again. I did make the whole thing sound funny. Laughing at myself with you is strangely healing. I love you too damn much again.

Maybe if I wasn't so weird you would love me?!

I want to say that I love you T, because you are so important to me.
I will never say it out loud to you though, in case it was misunderstood and because I know it's not the same for you. But I know you care about me.

Aw, thanks, Luco.

Dear MC,
Have you read my e-mail? If you haven't, it's OK. I just hate not knowing whether or not to expect a call from you. Because if you aren't planning on calling, I assume you'd just respond to the e-mail. So that makes me think you either haven't seen it or are planning to call. Which are very different things. Maybe I should have texted or called...
--LT

I need you but you're never there. I'm falling apart. I am angry. I can't just go next week and then wait for three weeks. You literally don't care. I need you to care. You said you do. I need a solution. I can't wait three weeks.

Hello my lovely t. Yeah, so I'm on my 2nd glass of wine. That's why this is here and not in an email! I have learned that lesson well, not to email when under the influence. heh. Anyway. Yeah. That **** we talked about last night, the how my job/the company I work for is not in line with my values... it's been f'ing with me all day and I had a crap day at work, feeling so out of place, so out of tune, I dunno. So not ME. I need to do something. Because now I am drinking to stop thinking and that's never a good thing> I want to email you but I won't don't worry. I am gladd you asked me if I would come next week. Because if you had not said that I would have likely just scheduled 2 weeks out. I need you and when I'm almost 2 glasses of wine gone I'm not ashamed of needing you. Or loving you. And I do. Love you. So let's hurry up and fix me huh t?! whys' it taking so long? i know you say i'm not broken but something inside me feels like it broke this weekend. that shifting i talked about it felt more like a breaking of some kind and i need you. so let's figure this out shall we????

Hey T. I almost texted you today, but then decided that i could handle hte last hour and a half of work, and i wouldn't see the text until after work...but, UGH, the children this week!! Either they all have gone noisily insane this week, or I am. THEY ARE SO LOUD. And they all are fighting and whining and crying, and grrrrr...

Today was such a terrible day and I was so grumpy, and then to have a 3 hour meeting AFTER work was nearly killing me. Luckily the 3 hours went by pretty fast and wasn't terrible.

I am sure you are super pumped (well you don't know yet) that I took the Myers-Briggs again. I am pretty sure it is a little different than the one I took like 10 years ago.

You know I love your playfulness, but I am in need of a "serious" session this week. My family is worrying the hell out of me especially mom. My sister had a medical procedure and did not tell me.

A couple of nights this week I've woken myself up with bad dreams and my own sleep talking . That can't be good, right? I vaguely remember pleading with someone in my dream to help me. I was begging.

Maybe it is your help that I need?