Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

I love my time with you but I need you fully present. Next week maybe?

Yeah, it sucks when T's are "off." I've been pretty lucky that my T is consistent, but a few weeks ago, I left feeling like something was off about the session. I still haven't figured it out, and it really isn't that big of a deal where I feel like delving into it further, so I am letting it go. BUT, for a couple of days, it sucked. There could be a million reasons why it felt off, but the session after was good, so I decided that I suppose T isn't perfect

(not that I thought that in the first place. My T is entirely too chatty sometimes!)

I am the last patient of his day and week. Sometimes I think he is already thinking about his weekend plans. Lately I notice his adhd more. He can be like that dog in up that says "squirrel!" Mid sentence.

LOL. I am not sure why that imagery made me laugh, but it did.

I am lucky that my T doesn't seem to have adhd, but I am her last patient of the day on Mondays...which can be equally tough, as she goes from 9-6 (when I show up) with maybe a lunch break. I give her credit that I am the one that is constantly yawning and lying on the couch exhausted, and not her

art T,

I keep wanting to send you a text to find out whether you're angry with me after last week. I desperately want some feedback and more importantly some reassurance from you, but there's no way I will contact you in your time off.

Up to last week, I wouldn't have thought that I might regret the fact that there is no group taking place this week. In fact, I was 100% certain I might enjoy the break. How things change, eh?

Right now, I can't hold my balance on my own. I'm caught up in this vicious circle of self-criticism, feeling worthless, and finally the pits of despair.... Easter doesn't help really, to me this is the ultimate guilt-tripping holiday season. No surprise really that I'm caught up in feeling guilty...

Counting down till next group: 10 more days...

Lost and guilt-ridden, c_r

(Disclaimer: I know the following isn't true but I feel it on some level and want to express it)

You don't care about me at all. I know you don't. Enjoy your time off. You suck.

(Not really, I love you)

Dear No. 3,

A couple of days ago I found an email from you last November I must have missed or just didn't register because I was so upset back then. Not a great email to miss, since it contained a seemingly genuine and heartfelt apology from you for your role in those events.

I'm still upset with you, but finding it alleviated some of the anger and pain, i.e., I now have hope that at some point those feelings may pass.

ATAT

hey t, looking forward to wednesday evening i want to share with you about yesterday. it's funny how when you do something for other people, it brings something to yourself as well. something kinda shifted inside me yesterday during our clinic offerings. i realized something you've been trying to get through my thick skull for years now. oh well, at least it's not too hard for me to say that "you were right". i can't wait to see you.

Dear MC,
Thinking of you today and hope you're getting through the holiday OK. And that you're with family/loved ones, whether you're celebrating your holiday (which I guess has actually been throughout the past week--I'm less clear on how that works), your wife's holiday, or both.
Love,
LT

T - I'm feeling much better. Next week, can we please please talk about this in a mature manner without your being defensive and without pointing out how everything is my fault or turning it into something pathological about me? I plan to talk about it in a calm, respectful manner.

Former T - Seeing your text was the first moment of joy I've felt in a long time. It was so timely and you always seem to say exactly the right thing-even though you don't realize it. Your note was so kind and thoughtful, and thanks for telling me you gave a positive assessment of me instead of a neutral one where someone might be left with a feeling of weirdness (why is he withholding information) leading someone to fill in the blanks. That meant so much to me.

I'm tired of thinking about you. I'm tired of the frustration and the neediness. I'm tired of wanting to you to go away, and wanting you to show me love.
Breaks put my attachment style under a massive magnifying glass.

T,
Could we start with something other than "how was your week?" Anything. They're all the same. Work varies between neutral and sucking. Not sleeping enough. Minimal socializing on the weekend. How was my week? About the same as the last. And the one before that, and the one before that...

Could we talk about what's going on here? Where we're going? What you're doing? Why I feel stuck? Why I don't feel much emotion?

I felt that you wanted to hug me. The way you stood there looking at me. I wanted to hug you too but I didn't ask.

Oh and t, Happy Easter.

OMG, I just realized that I dreamt about SMAUG!!! I had many a horrible dream last night/today (slept all day), and I don't remember the content of the dream--just that I found out in detail what happened and it was AWFUL. I was so horrified for you, but I kept thinking, "What does Smaug stand for?! I need to know!"

haha. That was my first ever PC dream.

Dear Dr. S,

I'm going to email about Monday's session and what/how I'd like it to go, the question is do I do it today/tonight or first thing in the morning? I think the morning. I want to give you an Elio free weekend and it can wait until tomorrow. I just need to get it to you early enough that you see it in the morning before your day gets busy. I don't think 50 mins is going to be nearly enough time.

I hope you had a good weekend.

Love Ya,
Me

Aww, old first T from 30 some-odd years ago, you are so sweet. You sent me an email on Easter just to say hi and wish me good worship and singing for the day. You've been a consistent friend all these years. Much appreciated.

I hate you
(No I don't)
I'll leave you
(No I won't)
I don't trust you
(But I do)
I need no-one
(I need you)
I know you hate me
(Not a bit)
Thank you for dealing
With all my s***.

M.

That part of me that says, "I just can't do this anymore!" has been with me all this holiday. Holidays seem to usually turn out very badly and it's come from every direction I could think of. This sucks!!!

I know that "I am having an emotional flashback" but that DOES NOT make it feel any better. This sucks!!!

The flashback is preventing me from being a grown up and not realizing that something horrible is about to happen. This sucks!!!

I'm going to try and get a handle on this before tomorrow. My brain kind of knows the truth. My heart can't sort it out. My heart is small right now.

Thank you!!

See you tomorrow!

Dear Current T —

You have ANOTHER client who is smoking hot? And, this one seems to be fixed at your 7.30pm Sunday slot (say yes, pretty please)?

I’ll take it that her dazzling smile — especially as I ahem….held the door open for her — was entirely due to instantly beholding my charms and really had nothing to do with how the session had gone for her? Because, come on, seriously?

Do feel free to go ahead and do me the favor — that I totally know you are dying to — of letting her know about my cute little quirks and even cuter neuroses?

And, in the meanwhile, I’ll make sure of the following:

- Show up in a different pair of trousers (i.e., not the ones I’ve worn to every single session for the last seven months although umm….yeah, they have been washed and uhh….the white stuff on them is from a 30-min botched spackle job [when I tried spackling of the first and hopefully very last time in my life] that I haven’t bothered removing, because well, why bother?)?

- Curtail any and all talk of splitting mauls, rage, punching bags and so on unless of course that’s her thing? In which case, yeah, I’m totally well yeah, really just whatever it is that she’d like me to be (as long as it uhhh…..doesn’t involve lifting more than 5lb dumbbells).

- Take a shower at least every day and not ever skip the weekends. Like never, ever.

- Work on responding to people with maybe eye contact and more than a grunt?

In anticipation,
AY
P.S. I know, I know, she screams straight but there’s a reason that the term hetero-flexible was coined?

Dr C,

I dreamt you fired me... and I was searching for you to give you my letter though there was no longer a reason to.

Dear Smaug and No. 2,

Here's another night of sleep you're costing me.

ATAT

T, im starting to think you might not have a clue about who i am. It doesnt hardly fit. Sometimes im thinking-who is this person you are talking about? You say its me.

More lost sleep. : (

Dear T,
i feel like i don't need theraphy anymore. It's not your fault.
I'm who i am and i can't be fixed. I'll never have a normal life, but it's ok.
Nothing can make me happy (except alcohol maybe), but it's ok.
I want nothing and it's killing me. But it's my "norm". I'll never be better.
I wish i could say that out loud, but i can't.
I'm so miserable. I'm so hopeless.

Love you,
me

Dear MC,
Had a dream last night where you responded to my e-mail, and the first thing you said was, "LT, I love you, too." Which made me feel happy. Was a little sad when I woke up and realized you hadn't actually sent me that. Maybe that's my subconscious telling me that it's obvious that you do feel that way (in a platonic way, of course!), even though I doubt you'd ever say it, due to boundaries? I'll just tell myself that.
Love,
LT