Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Time is slowing insufferably waiting for tomorrow evening to get here....

8 days to go.

The figuring out and fixing is a big theme in my life also, TR. I think from reading other posts and the fact that you quote Brennan Manning this will be ok to say, but if not, feel free to ignore it. I have found the AA prayer, "God, show me your will and give me the power to carry it out" to be really helpful when trying to get things fixed within my internal system.

I gots more topics for us tomorrow mr. T...i.mean doctor T. Nah you're just T to me =)

We have had so many lighthearted sessions I'm wondering worried maybe that you will start asking me hard questions. My more private phobia for one thing. And so many other dark places. Please be careful!!

Thank you so much for this!! You helped me have a "light bulb" moment. I realized that I've been praying for understanding and stating over and over again that I didn't understand and didn't know what to do. Spinning my wheels is what it feels like I was doing. I was stating facts of what was already known. You helped me shift my direction.

Dear T,
Thanks for listening today. I know I dumped an awful lot on you in one session. And thanks for the hug. You were right that I needed one...

Love,
LT

I've spent the best part of 3 years getting over my feelings for you, and I really thought I was doing ok. Then yesterday I was looking through the Counselling Directory and there you were (complete with photo), you have moved away from community based therapy into full time private practice (you were only doing private work part time when I was seeing you).

My head knows I will never see you or speak to you again, and it would be a bad idea if I did, but I desperately want to make contact... Though I know you would probably refuse to see me, you terminated our sessions when you sensed I was becoming too dependent.
I hadn't thought about you in such a long time and now after seeing your profile, you are all I can think about...

Why do I even miss you so much? You were only recently qualified when we met, you were kind but inexperienced, you had none of the insight and wisdom of T1 or T3, yet there was something about you that I felt drawn to.

*****..!!! I don't want thoughts of you screwing with my head again.

t-
I tried to let you help me but you couldn't. Why the f**k didn't you tell me sooner?
-c

Dear T...
So this is the area of the proverbial rock bottom. Smells like the apocalypse if that was a thing. I'm trying to impress you even here. This is my game, trying to prove myself.
Anyway. I need some support. You are my freaking T. I need support. I'm losing it. Really. So I'll see you next week and after that in three weeks. So many things can happen in three weeks. Like, in my case, i will be losing everything that gave me stability. And, added to that, you won't be available either.
I'm tired and now I REALLY need help.

I really wish you would write me or talk to me. I don't know why I have this desire growing over the last few weeks but especially today, and I still don't have words for what I would say or ask for, but there's something.

Gah. T. I saw your daughter on your fb friends list. I'm not going to tell you this. She looks, pretty, happy and about my age. So when you say you have paternal feelings for me I assume you mean disappointment. I would be the disappointing one were I actually your daughter.

Dear CW,

What you have going for you:
- You ask tough questions. Most therapists don't seem to. Anyway, you make me think, and possibly confront some self-bs.
- You don't have a couch. Just two big fat comfy leather chairs.
- You don't touch clients. Or reveal personal stuff.
- You don't seem overly-involved in me, positively or negatively. I don't think you would recognize me outside your office.

What you need to work on:
- Answering follow-up questions: "What do you mean by strange?" "Oh, I don't know. Just strange."
- You have the lousiest memory. At least you admit it.
- You need to have terms like woo-woo and life hack explained to you.
- Remembering to speak clearly and a little louder than usual.
- Knowing who won the 2016 World Series. I bet even SD knows that.

ATAT

No -dont make that last bet

Dear T...

I am sorry I canceled on you this morning and not answering your call. I have done something that was just plain wrong. I lied to two people that trusted me and I deserve whatever happens to me.

I'm glad you are sticking with CW. Her pros seem to be stronger than her cons.

I have absolutely no idea who won the 2016 world series.

I also have a terrible memory, but of course, I am not a therapist (My T seems to have an uncanny memory)

The Chicago Cubs ended a drought that lasted more than 70 years...

I need to see you. By the time I wake up in the morning there will be less than 7 days to go.

Dear Dr. S, I have some insights that I am looking forward to sharing with you. I'm already sad knowing that I won't see you tomorrow. Thank you for seeing me on Friday. I can't wait to see you. I felt cared about and loved by your smiles and gazes yesterday. It helped. Then I read the part of the journal that caused the end of the session to feel low. I think I am ready ... well as ready as I'll ever be to talk about those things. <72 hours. I'm glad that you said to trust myself around the concept of you thinking about me between sessions; however, would it have really been bad for you to have said... "Yes, I do think about you between sessions?" or can you tell me why saying it the way you did is more helpful?

The problem with trying to convince me to trust myself, what happens when those negative beliefs come into play? Am I supposed to trust those too? If I am to trust the positive beliefs, why not trust the negative ones too? If I debate and question the positives, that means I can debate and question the negative ones too.

Ok, something else to talk about I guess.

I love you, I hope my journal didn't hurt you.

- me

Hi T,

I want to be able to email you. You wouldn't have to answer. You could read the email right at the beginning of our session before you get me.

I need to tell you how bad I'm feeling. I desperatly need help but don't know how to ask for it. I'm either too dissociated or too scared during session. I think you were able to see how I was feeling (at least I hope so, you'd be a miserable T otherwise), but were waiting for me to bring it up.

I have one of my ex-Ts in my head. She keeps repeating her stupid: "Girl, you have to talk. I can't help you if you don't talk" over and over in my head. What if there's nothing to talk about?

I missed my meds yesterday and I'm feeling better. I'll never tell you

i am so filled with fear and anger

Remember that just about everyone looks happy on Facebook. It's a false representation of our lives. I'm sure your T wouldn't be disappointed if you were his daughter...

Not seeing you for three weeks is like not brushing my hair for three weeks. Everything becomes tangled. How are we going to untangle everything.

Dear T,
Thanks for asking if there were things that we should be walking about but weren't. I assume (hope?) it was because my leg had been bouncing up and down the entire time and I wasn't talking and barely looking at you. I just wish it hadn't taken you 45 minutes to ask that so we could have had more time to talk about it. I don't want to talk about it, but know we should, so hopefully you bring it up next time. I don't think I'll be able to. You kept the note I'd written so I know you won't forget. If you don't bring it up, then I guess you're avoiding it too and maybe I'll have to leave. I don't want to find someone else.