Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Dear MC,
When will I stop being so paranoid you'll cancel at the last minute? Then again, last time I started to stop worrying about that, you did have to cancel... (when your wife passed away...or actually after her funeral, since somehow you still saw us in the time between that?) So...guess my OCD says I have to keep worrying, up until we're sitting in your office. Of course, I also worry D will come home from school sick. Or that something else will happen...

I just want to see you. I want to know that everything's OK after my boatload of e-mails over the past 2 weeks. That you're still there and still feel safe after I was stupid enough to admit to you that I felt safe with you... And hopefully to get a handshake before session this time, because that will show you read that e-mail and understand that it's important to me, even if it's awkward in the new office because of the door.

That, and, well, I guess there's stuff H and I need to talk about, since I stupidly showed him that one e-mail...so, you know, actual marriage counseling stuff.

Love you and hope to see you at 4 (I hate later appt. times--more time for something to go wrong!)
LT

Dear XT, I had a dream about you last night. Get out of my subconscious will you? Just leave already. I haven't seen you since August. Just go away.

I see you later T - I feel like this and it's scary , but you'll understand this I know you will.

I think if T doesn't bring it up, it is because they don't want to force you to talk about something that you aren't ready to talk about rather than them wanting to avoid the issue. It depends on the t, but there seems to be a wide range in how much t's think they should push a client to talk.

Dear T,

I want to contact you. Tomorrow I can and will, to confirm our session for Friday, but I want to, I want to NOW. I think I have realised that I don't generally like people. Well, I think I already knew that but I think it is being cemented and I am not sure that this is a good thing. People are loud, inconsiderate, don't have manners, are scary and threatening and distracting and just basically get in the way of me having a quiet and peaceful life.

I am not sure what to do with this. Do I accept that I don't like people and just spend all of my days isolated or can I try to learn to live alongside others. I am not sure.

Today I miss you a little and I am looking forward to seeing you, but I still plan on having a good day tomorrow.

Love you T.

Damn useless therapist. Useless.

Hey t, you know, it would make my day a little brighter if you would text a little "see you at 5:30" like you've done a couple times recently.

But at least he's decorative?

Ohhh, I was not aware you are also seeing my T1!

T,
I want to lock myself in the house again. I'm tired of living. Life's too hard for me. Besides, I'm not really going to get any better than I already am, huh? I don't want to do this anymore.

I miss you, T. In ways I don't even understand.

T!!!!!! Please answer my emails.

You were so good today. You're... Pretty great.

Dear C... The pain is too great. I don't have any hope. I don't see any reason for going on...

You're freaking me out, T. You always text me the day before our regular session to confirm the appointment. I'm scheduled for an extra session tomorrow evening. Like, I'm having to rearrange other commitments in order to make it on time. You didn't forget about me, did you? I want to text you to confirm, but I don't want you to think that I'm pushy or needy. I'm not, but I'm leaving work early tomorrow for the appointment. Can you just text me please so that I don't freak out for the next 23 hours? Please?

An Anxious Daisy

Halfway done your 4 week long holiday. I feel like it's sooooo long. I need time to go faster. Although realistically, you are going to get back and I'm not going to want to talk to you.

Ha. Ok either you 'heard' my psyche again, or you read this, cuz you just texted !

I've spent most of my night journaling about a dream I had about T. It's been...ugh.

For you, Echos!

Dear MC,
Sorry for sending another e-mail. I feel horribly insecure since telling you about the "feeling safe with you" thing. I was hoping today's session would make me feel better about that. Yeah, you did start with the handshake, which I appreciated. (Though it seemed a little too forced maybe, like OK, Here you go, LT, happy now?) But then the thing about the session length...which contradicted what you'd said a few weeks ago. That just set off the triggers in my head. I really really wish I could just talk to you on the phone for a few minutes. But I was too afraid to ask for that directly in the e-mail, just said I wished I could talk to you. And that I knew you'd say we can talk in session, but when we try to talk about transference stuff in there, it tends to just be awkward, or end up being more about H's reaction to it, if it happens at all (see: last week). So maybe I'm hoping you'll get what I'm trying to say and offer a call?

Then again, the past few weeks have been very H&I's marriage-focused. So maybe it would be OK to spend a few of the 45 minutes (sigh) on me?

Ugh, please don't take too long to write back. OK? (And don't take e-mail away.)
Love,
LT

Thanks LT. It turns out emailing my T hurts more than it helps, but I hope emailing MC offers some relief

For ****'s sake, it's 3am and I have to get up early tomorrow and I love you so much. I keep thinking about how you wrote all the things I feel about you on the board and then you said they equal: "in love". You wrote it down next to them. "In love"! Yes, I'm in love with you. I'm in love. ****. This is stupid. So stupid.

Well, depends on what he says in response and when...

Nothing could be less stupid.

Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I have a thought about what to do next session that will help you to understand. I'm pretty sure you're already bracing yourself for next session, but if you're not , please do. It will be hard.

Dear M,

In rehearsal tonight I was bored to tears so I imagined you were sitting out in the audience so that we could make silly faces at each other in the rests, especially in the movement of the Haydn about god creating the whales. I think you would really like that one. I bet you are good at making whale sounds, too. I wish I could bring the ocarina with me when I have to go away for these things but I'm always afraid I'll break it.