Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

Something is up with me, CW. I am not sure entirely what it is, but it certainly has to do with No. 2's note and your seeming dismissal of the Smaug episode.

Anyway, it and the self-destructive thoughts that came with it doesn't bode well.

ATAT

T,

Annie

T,

I believe you have taken on more clients than you can handle. The quality of care you provide is bordering on substandard. I have higher expectations for therapy which are not being met.

What is it with therapists? Either they are overextended, burned out or don't accept insurance. I may go back into my shell to protect myself.

T,

Please find a way to get through to me... I know you can't read my mind, but you've gotten through to me before somehow, please do that again?

Dear T,

This might not make any sense at all, but I will try to explain.

Therapy is 'doing something' to me, but I can't work out whether I am getting closer to the real me or whether I am becoming something that I am not, but which I think I want to be, because of what it gives me. Uniqueness, problems, struggles, support and care from you.

Basically I am worried that I am making it all up. That actually I am a confident and mentally healthy person, that I don't need or deserve the level of support you give me. I am worried that the deeper I go, the deeper I get entangled in this lie, this person who isn't me, and I can't find a wah out now, let alone further down the road.

But if I am making it all up, then I can't possibly be mentally healthy, because this isn't a sign of mental health, is it, pretending to be something you are not, for whatever reasons.

Still with me?

If I am not making it all up, and I do genuinely have these difficulties in life, then.....well, I am not sure what. Then...Life for me sucks. I am not sure that there is a way forward if this is the case. I can't become unwary of people. I can't become oblivious to what's going on around me.

I can't become what I want to be, because I am not sure whether I am already or not, because I am not sure if what I think I want is what o actually want or if what I actually want is what I am already.

I think even I am lost now.

Hugs. It does make sense to me because I think like that a lot too. For what it's worth; I don't think you're making this all up. I think you're doing great work with your T. You seem to be making a lot of progress. I guess it's normal to doubt all this from time to time. People suck. Hang in there

I'm hurting and it's not good. I was never supposed to get this attached to you.

Morning Dr. S,

I see you in 9.5 hours, thank gawd, maybe? scared. All of a sudden I don't wanna talk about what needs to be talked about. Where did all my bravado go from the other day when I knew I was ready to talk about this. I will talk about it, it needs to be talked about. Grrrr. can you read me the story again? I know I know... I'm a grown adult. Please read it to me again. I'm not feeling very big right now. Take care of me, keep me safe.

- me

T,

I shouldn't message you so much. I feel I am bad.

T...

I wish I am special and memorable to you...
From "The Man with the Beautiful Voice":

why am i constantly rubbing the tops of my ears?? it feels good to me but i know it looks strange. i catch myself doing it in inappropriate situations, like at work... talking to someone. i see their eyes look up to what im doing with my hand and i feel embarrassed

You brought my picture to your cabinet! I'm so happy, thank you
About the session - that was weird.
Love you anyway

Dear t,
Remember my June plans?
About 1 month and 2 sessions left.
I'm so scared I hate it

...then maybe you should cancel your June plans, captgut.

I think this is the sort of thing that's made worse by worrying about it. Nothing wrong with rubbing your ears. Don't be embarrassed. At least you're not, like, picking your nose while you're talking to people.

You are such a jerk.

T t t... He who says i don't know is also where the negativity and brutal self-doubt come from... In his own way he thinks he's helping, protecting even, but he's not os he? This is deep, difficult work talking to him, t, and it's making me hugely emotional and every time i turn around it seems, i start crying. I have cried so much in the last day and a half since i was there. Thank you for asking me to come next week. I wish i could talk to you right now. I want you to be in this with me. Let's drum together next week. I'll bring my drum. Then you can talk to him too. I love you. Sooooo, toooooo much.

Hi T can I die yet

Hi T,

You got me thinking... you're right. There's no place for me in my family. My family members don't care.

Someone else also got me thinking today. I have no friends irl. They don't care about me in a genuine way (and live faaaaar away anyway)

My
It doesn't matter, does it?

Birdies would be lost probably. But they're just pets.

I do this same thing but rubbing my nose not ears... i know I probably look silly but it makes me feel better so it's ok with me to look silly

another day done and i wish i was dead

Hugs for those who are hurting (and who want hugs, of course).

I found that angry, defiant part today. She got pretty loud. I'm pretty pissed off at ts telling me I need to see someone about my meds. And then telling me there is no one to see. Compliant parts can't comply and that freaks them out. So here comes anger and self destruction. Perhaps I should go to bed. Pdoc gave me permission to drug myself when it gets bad like this. So there.

Dear Dr. S,

How come you won't just tell me what I want to hear/know when you've read about it in my journal? It is really frustrating at times that you just sit back and wait to see what I can verbalize. I wanted you to say the words today.

On the flip side, thank you for being so open, calm, patient, and accepting of what I say when I feel I am being confrontational or negative about you.

Thank you for recognizing that I brought up an interesting point about questioning positive and negative thought patterns.

Most importantly, thank you for still having it - for recognizing that it is more than what it seems on the surface, and making it feel like that is ok.

I do love you.

I hope you have a good weekend,
-me

Dear T,

You deserve a medal for deciphering that email. I appreciate your acknoledgement of how hard it was for me to write and send. I know we need to talk about it. I know it is is a huge hang up for me and that it is going to be the topic of our next session, that it needs to be, but I am not sure I'm ready. I've buried this for 30 years and am pretty sure even touching on this subject is going to send me into a panic attack. Please tread lightly.

You keep saying I'm flirting. Am I? I don't know. Why do you think so?
Also you asked "you're wearing a bow-tie, what does it mean?". Huh? It's just a bow-tie.

Do you think it's an erotic transference? I don't think so. I love you, but I'm not in love with you.