Dear T: I Need To Tell You Something.... Part XXIII

I'm looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I think I'm mostly a grown up this week.

I'm realizing and understanding that things have changed and are changing.. everything changes, all the ****ing time.... and I need to just accept it and roll wi th it, or else I'm going to have a very hard time

T,

I see you in one hour!!

I forgot to bring the last page of my letter to you during our appt last week. (It got stuck in the printer, honestly, and I didn't realize it until I got to our appt.) You told me to bring it to you this coming appt, but I think I'm going to pretend that I forgot it. IDK. I don't feel like talking about it. Too much hurt

Dear pdoc,

I see you in 4 hours!!

I don't want to tell you anything about my mood. I just want to check in to show that "I'm okay", even though I'm not. I hope I get the medication that I want.

Dear R,

I got angry today...first time in nearly a year. Ended up punching a pillow, but not properly...still confused by not being able to sort out what I'm actually feeling. Of course, I'm apprehensive as hell about the break, and how I'm actually going to do that now. I said I'd be OK, but we know what I'm like for telling people what they want to hear. Do you really think that doesn't extend to you?

Roll on Thursday afternoon.

I want to see you tomorrow. But I'm nervous about asking. I shouldn't be but I am. I'm afraid you're upset about what i wrote.

Uhm T,

Okay, maybe not.

Dear Dr. S,
Thank you for the phone call. It was a pleasant surprise. The relief at hearing your voice.

I so wished I could have recorded it, your voice.
-me

....I've started really missing you again. Possibly more so than at the beginning. I suppose because it's taking so long, my tiny, distant, whispering voice of hope is starting to get drowned out. In addition we weaned recently and I have found it difficult, not practically, emotionally. It wasn't my choice. Baby decided she didn't want / need my milk anymore. I know that developmentally that's the best way to do it, but I can't help but feel a little rejected. Then there are times when she is upset and wants my milk for comfort and I can't provide it, that's because she stopped taking it so my body stopped producing. That makes me worried that she might think I'm not giving her the comfort she wants because I don't want to rather than that I can't. I was mentally prepared to bf up to 12 or 18 months, it feels like I've had the rug pulled from under me ... and you're not here...

T--thanks for agreeing that your response was vague and very therapist-y

T- I've finally realized that seeing you causes me more distress in my life than it helps me. I think that I've known this for a long time but didn't want to let go. I will always feel like you continued to be mad at me for looking you up online long after you said that you weren't still mad. You've been passive aggressive by giving me one word answers or refusing to answer simple questions. You even admitted that you withhold more info from me than others because of our history. I just don't see how we can continue to see each other. I hate goodbyes but know that it's the best thing. I've got to get my head screwed on straight and make some decisions and I just don't think that you can help me anymore. Our days are numbered.

Dear M,

Thank you so much for yesterday... giving me the space to express myself completely and honestly... I'd been secretly upset with you for so long that I forgot what it was like to just be happy that you exist in my life.

I had no back or hand pain today for the first time in months, too-- I just realized I got through all my lessons and rehearsals with no painkillers! I'll tell you that next week, but you'll laugh like always and ask if I was truly not expecting that outcome, because you and L both know my pain goes away every time I allow myself to express anger, and comes back the moment I repress it.

Hey

I see you in 12 hours

I feel like I don't know who you are anymore

Is that good or bad?...

T,

It's easy for YOU. You've many patients, we're your WORK. At the end of the day, you have lots of friends, supportive colleagues, close confidantes, loving family.

I wish to get rid of this effing attachment. You're so important to me and I know this is a contrived, fake relationship. I know you don't like it when I say this relationship is fake, but I DON'T CARE. You will never choose us patients over the people you love and who love you. That's why I'm not the only patient saying "you only care because it's your job to care".

I wish I can just see you as a professional like some others can. Just you doing a job. Like how I go to the GP for the flu.

You matter so much to me and I don't believe I matter to you. I only matter a tiny bit because I'm part of your job. Just like the 40++ patients on your caseload.

You give me compassion, empathy, attunement, care. You say where there's care, there is love. But maybe for YOU because so many people care about AND love you, and you the same. But not for me. I don't have that. Care is NOT love, I know that from life experience.

All I get is a taste of "agape love" and the contrast with the rest of my life HURTS. Wants that can never be sated, voids that can never be filled, loss which can never be healed.

Qm: could you see an other or second T? :/

T,
I'm in a really really weird place right now. I can't think

Hugs, I'd have to go private (could find the budget, I'm relatively financially privileged with current job) which I could, but I would have to find a practice which my younger brother and my friends don't go to.

It feels like a small world with regards to therapists doing ACT, DBT and schema therapy. And yknow, attachment is weird for me, I'm really attached even though I know there are better skilled therapists in private practice who might fit my needs better, and definitely better schedule-wise.

I hope the space you're in eases up <3

hey t - so here's what i want to say today and hoping i will be able to. So you got frustrated with me on Friday. Don't try to deny it, I know you did, and I don't blame you, hell I'm frustrated with myself! But I've been feeling so distracted since then thinking about it, like what happened Friday severed the rest of my attachment to you, and I need to know if that's true or not by coming there and facing you and saying this out loud. I'm sad about that, some, if it's true. Okay, really said. But I guess that it was bound to happen sooner or later, this t-client relationship was not supposed to last forever, maybe it wasn't even supposed to last this long who knows, seriously as I got up to leave on Friday I looked at you and realized I really don't know you at all, do I? And you looked even more different than after I dropped my illusions/fantasies if that's possible - it was like - the hair and glasses were the same, but your face was different again - so different you could have been a different person disguised as you. Weird, t. So that's why I want to come today. I'm so distracted thinking about all of this I can't focus at work. This relationship has meant so much healing for me that it hurts to feel it coming to an end. I'm seeing now why I sensed I needed to take a break. I needed that time away to come back and see with refreshed eyes or something. It's time for me to go, t. You know how you talk about projecting and stuff - I more than half wonder if I haven't been projecting my need to break up with you, onto my h, and thinking I want to leave him, because my attachment to you was so strong. Yeah, he's a big pain in the *** sometimes but I love him, t, I seriously can't picture my life without him in it, and I need to stop projecting 'our' crap on him before I actually damage my marriage. (What you said on Friday - when you were frustrated - that woke me up. You can call it what you will, but honestly woman, if I were so what you said to him - would I have fought to continue seeing you for as long as I have been? No, I would not have. I would have capitulated a long time ago. But I have continued to see you even though he hasn't wanted me to for awhile now because I have continued to find value in it.) This is some big stuff on my part and I feel so incredibly stupid in retrospect that this has been happening but I'm glad that I'm seeing it in time. I need to break up with you, t. So that's what I need to talk about later today.

T - I hope today's session is good (fills the needs I have today). I had a rough night pain wise last night and I am more medicated right now. The pain is starting to subside and will take a bit more pain meds right before I leave for session. I hope I don't just sleep. Gawd, how I have missed you. I want touch today - I wish you would offer but I know that is not your way with me. Away, see you in a few hours. Please smile, please hold me the way you can, please look at my scars and love me. -me

Dear CW,

I won't say that I wasn't slightly annoyed when you yawned during our last session.

I won't say that it's not a little irritating that you keep forgetting about my disability.

But at the same time, it's kind of comforting. It means you haven't decided I am special, or different, or to be favored. And since previous therapists did that, and I ended up being hurt, perhaps your indifference is a good sign.

ATAT

you seem to be feeling better

or is it me who is feeling better?

i find it so frustrating that i have such a hard time descerning between reality and the reality i've created in my mind

Thanks for the compassion, T. x

I would like a response this time please T.

Marriage counselor tends to yawn in session. And sometimes he doesn't even try to hide it, like will make a loud sound and stuff. A couple times, after he yawned, he said "It's not you." (We do see him at 2, which I think is often a sleepy time for people). Though I still feel better when his yawns are while H is talking than when I'm talking! (It's usually only once every few sessions).

Don't think T has ever noticeably yawned in the 5 years I've been seeing her. Or any other bodily functions except for maybe a cough, possibly a sneeze. Well, she has teared up a few times...

Thank you...I think. Not sure if I'm projecting, but I don't feel like you care about this. Maybe it's hard to understand. I feel defeated and alone.

I think what I do is read my T's tone in a text or email in the wrong way. It's so easy to do that. I've noticed you struggle with not feeling supported by his email responses. I try to envision if I was sitting there with my T, and how he would say it to me in person, based on my experience with him