Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

Hey T--How funny that you magically had a cancellation at the exact time I needed it for Monday?

T... I definitely need you as of 10 minutes ago... I'm manic. My Amazon Prime credit card account is frozen and it is going to be closed... cos I've spent so much money. I am reckless... This is not going to end well...

I need help but cant ask you for anything anymore. Too afraid you wont believe me or will accuse me of being manipulative. I dont understand why you wouldnt want to help, or why i cant question you. I just really need help

Do you really think it's wise to force a client to re-live through a trauma? I think my friend has been hurt enough. You need to BACK OFF!!

Deal with YOUR issues on your own time and don't drag innocent people down with you.

Actual emails sent and received. 2 for me today, for the tally count. I'm going to have to tell my T about the "competition" . I think my T is the one of the good ones.

Subject: Friday Afternoon
actually signed it me as it didn't feel right to put my first name, I'm still kind of not connected to me

30 mins later sent this one:
And slightly snotty.

Received:

well t so far i am losing the competition! haha

Know why? Because I'm still feeling very empowered after my session a couple days ago. And that feels good. Really good. I heart you.

p.s. how is buttercup doing?

p.p.s. have an awesome vacation!

T,
I have so much still I need to tell you. But I am very scared. I took a little baby step today, vaguely referencing my eating disorder. We didn't have time to talk about it, but please ask me about it next time. I want to talk about it, but I know I'll be too scared to bring it up myself.
Thanks for today.

T,

Make this pain go away... please

So many times in the last several months that I think I should quit therapy. I don't deserve the time you take with me. I feel like I'm just wasting your time because I don't/can't improve.
I know what I should "do" and I don't, won't, can't.
I should take measures towards my self care, but I don't.
I begin to think about it and the argument in my head and I think about "the fat old lady doesn't deserve a lunch break" makes me work through lunch. I know it's stupid. It's causing me to go home from work hungry, which in turn is causing me to eat to much at dinner, and thus I'm putting back on the lbs I lost last year. So now I can't make a Dr. appointment because she'll scold me for gaining weight. I'm supposed to see her this month for my annual check up (high blood pressure).
It's a vicious circle of self-sabotage. I don't know how to get out of the cycle. It's not because of your lack of trying to help. It's me. I have to do it. I can't.
I don't deserve to live happy or healthy. It's a waste of time to try.

John = T

I'm never sharing my feelings or opening up to anyone again. Just constant reminders that nobody cares how much I hurt.

Dear T.

I spent some time with the little one today. We watched that movie, and had popcorn and bought a magazine for her age range. We cried at the end of the film. Cried because she saw her truth.

She wrote this.

I wanted my Mum. I needed my Mum and yet there was nothing I could do about it. I feel as if I am tumbling backwards, into and round and about nothing. Blackness. No idea which way is up or which way is down or where anything is anymore. Tears escaping without me realising, forced out by the unfulfillable longing which is bursting inside me, taking up every cell in my body. I am frozen by helplessness for a situation out of my control, yet with a flickering urge to scream and rage about the unfairness of it all.

She holds all of this and it is time for us to really help her to let it out. Problem is, I don't know how to do this other than to continue on this slow path that we are on. Maybe this is the only way.

From Robert Frost's "A Servant to Servants":

"He says the best way out is always through.
And I agree to that, or in so far
As that I can see no way out but through—
Leastways for me—"

little one's thoughts from the shower... you're going to leave and never come back

T,
Why did things end so badly. I don't blame you, I accept my part in it. Do you think we could make this work again. I miss your boot camps. I often got hurt but no pain no gain eh. I miss your compare and despair saying. I miss you. I know you miss me too. It got strange in the end and even you said therapy was not good for either of us but we could have tried harder, we could still make it work. I won't get as hurt and you won't let your countertransference get you so angry and frustrated at me.

Dear (Maybe?) Current T --

I can't seem to stop canceling my sessions.

And, it seems you can't seem to stop me from doing so either. Although I guess no one can point a finger at you -- you did give it the old college try.

- AY

T,

Thank you for not letting me drown today. The ocean is so scary. But I got in it. Thank you.

Daisy

Want to email you again T. Want to connect with you again.

Dear M,

Some stuff from this weekend has got me afraid of being around men again. I was worried this might happen, but then the weekend passed and all was well in the end, so I figured I was out of the woods. But then I thought about seeing you on Monday and the feeling that came with it was terror. There are some parts reminding me that we're good, you've earned my trust and I love you, but there's one who just doesn't get it and is so scared and in pain and desperate to be heard.

The world is spinning,
or is that me,
There is nothing around,
only darkness I see.

A place where I could,
So easily be lost,
Where my feelings and I,
Were carelessly tossed.

Tumbling and falling,
Confused and scared,
Where secrets are hidden,
And nothing is shared.

A place that is not,
Supportive of life,
A place where sadness,
And fear are rife.

Tears trickle out,
From my eyes, unknown,
Forced out by this feeling,
That has never been shown.

A part of me dealing,
With a pain so intense,
That her very being,
She can no longer sense.

A pain that grows,
And swells inside,
There's no way to cope,
There's nowhere to hide.

In the blink of an eye,
It's no longer here,
Set aside, pushed away,
Because of the the fear.

A fear of not knowing,
Where this pain will lead,
A pain that she knows,
Will never be freed.

Can't cope with this
Mayday

I want to tell you that when I was 9 I didn't know what 'cum' was. I thought he was weeing in front of me. Why do I feel so stupid for not knowing that & why do I feel so stupid now?

Lots of feelings , not all good. You are there aren't you ? Of course you are.

i'm sorry you feel stupid...but NO nine year old should know what that is. I am so sorry.

Dear Dr. S, I bought a book for you today. Now I hate that I did. I know why I did it. What am I going to do, do I forget that I bought it for you and just put it on my shelf? Do I take in on Monday and give it to you. I love you. I take it in and I give it to you. I hope you accept it and you understand. -me