Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

Dear T,
Thank you for specifying that you were taking your H for cataract surgery Wed. instead of just "surgery." The last thing I need right now is to think your H (or you! or MC!) potentially have some terminal illness. And thanks for being so open to talking about stuff with MC and his wife. I don't know why I need to talk about it so much...but for some reason, I just do. Yeah, it's probably the childhood thing with my parents, but maybe it's more than that? It's like if I keep talking about it, maybe I can really unlock what's behind it...

And I'll wear that thing you told me to after my shower tomorrow. But if something awful happens, it's on you! (I know, I know, magical thinking.) I think sometimes I forget how much of a role OCD plays in my life beyond the contamination fears. But when you've been living with something as long as you can remember, it just starts to seem normal to you, you know?

Love,
LT

T,

When you said that we could talk about it during future sessions, did you mean the dream or the transference part? Because I think I need to go deeper into that transference part. I feel like I can't tell you anything about us because you'll disapprove. Just like my father would. Ugh why did this have to happen with you? I never cared about the other Ts. I hated them!

But I love you. Dang it.

Daisy

I tell t often that i love her and i hate it....

Oh, and T, for the first time ever today, your statement of "keep going" made sense. I am going somewhere, aren't I. I am moving. Before, it just seemed stupid saying that because firstly, if talking literally, I have no real option other than to keep going, and if talking metaphorically, I didn't really feel like I was going anywhere, getting anywhere. But it felt different today. It felt like you were encouraging me on this journey of self discovery and self acceptance. Kind of.

Dear MC,
I just made the most glaringly obvious connection between your wife and my mom. Like, apparently it took me 4 months from when you said the condition your wife had been dealing with and ultimately died from. I mean, yes, they aren't/weren't the same condition, but, duh, both involve the heart. And both had been going on since they were teens. (and I guess they also each had different forms of cancer, too, but the heart is more glaring). Seriously, how could I not have made that connection before?

I'm not going to actually tell you this--not sure if I ever mentioned my mom's heart condition to you anyway, and I don't want to trigger you, though I'm sure it's too late for that because of various things I brought up the past couple weeks. And I'm sure it's not exactly hiding in the back of your mind anyway.

But still. Just had to share here because I can't really share with you.
Love,
LT

Magickal thinking rules my life.. I hate it but I can't NOT do it you know

Dear T,

I got a promotion. My supervisor said things like "future with this company," and "point in your career."

I didn't know I had a career. I thought I had a low-key job I really liked at 3/4 time.

He said, "more responsibility."

I don't think I'm very responsible. I oscillate between panic that I accepted and self-loathing that I panic about such things instead of having pride and gratitude. I won't have very much free time. I'm not sure if I should beg you to see me the one time a week I could possibly see you, or just stop seeing you and get on with my life. My "career."

I look forward to seeing you tomorrow and I want to give you a hug.

Can't you just forgive me? That's all I want.

I hope you get back to me so I about the phone appt. I wish you'd have answered.

Feeling fragile today. The elephant crossed the threshold yesterday, and now we have to deal with it. Now I have to deal with it. Promise me you won't walk away?

You are right T, I do struggle with my mental state on these shifts. I don't think I had noticed that before. I know I agreed with you but maybe that was because I actually liked you giving me your 'opinion', or is it not an opinion, but an observation. Either way, I liked it, and I agreed with it. Maybe I did realise it was true, deep down. Maybe, though, it isn't true, and it has become true because of what you said. Oh round and round we go again. Not important. Not worth analysing.

Important thing is, yes, I am tired. No, I am not getting the rest that I need. Yes, I am doing too much. But I still think I should be able to manage this. I don't want to feel like I am wasting valuable time, but I know that I just need to give myself a break and take the rest that I need.

With that, I am going to go to bed to get another couple hours sleep, because I need it.

I want to email you. I want you to talk to me. I want to hear your words. I love you T, and I wish I could have more of you. I am going to rake bear and give him a great bug massive cuddle and imagine, again, that it is you giving me a comforting cuddle as I drift off to sleep.

Oh, and PS, I did sign up for that new group. I go on Friday after I have seen you. Now or never, I suppose. I will be nervous. Very nervous. I am not good at it, so it will be scary going there, but there is only one way to learn how to do something, to get good at something, and that is to give it a go and keep practising.

I miss you. I hope you are having a nice day, but I hope that I cross your mind from time to time.

Looking forward to going back to normal next week.

Is it gonna be ok today

Dear T,

I think it is because of the dreams maybe. The dreams seem more. Worse. Realistic. I have been really trying lately to do things to help minimise the dreams. Going to bed earlier. Not having screen time before bed. Staying hydrated, and it has worked. They have reduced aignificantly I think, but then this week they are back with a vengeance and I don't like it. Make them go away, please. Make them leave me alone.

I know you gave me about a month's heads up on your vacation this week but this is not a good week for me not to have therapy...I'll make it through but next Friday seems like a lifetime away.

Half the reason I sent my email yesterday was in hoping that I would get some sort of response last night or today to make me feel connected. I know those were high expectations considering I don't even know when you left for vacation but I had my hopes.

Maybe you'll email me back on Monday?? I just hope it isn't next Thursday that I get a response. I want to know that you're still there.

My anxiety is really bad this week and I'm already thinking about if I should call in sick a day or two next week just to get a break from work.

Dear T, Two more days till I see you again and I already feel like I have too much to talk about. Today my stomach is in my chest. I have a meeting where I need to impress some people and I have no idea what I'm in for. It' trying hard to find some inspiration. I wish I had a normal brain. I wish I had a normal work ethic. I wish I felt competent in anything. I feel like so much chaos.

Can someone please just fix my life?

Thanks T. I hadn't made that connection. Looking forward to hearing the answer to my question on Friday. Thanks for thanking me, and thanks for joining me, we are on quite a journey aren't we, and I do see that you take it all in your stride, and you being there helps me to regulate mine.

Dear Dr. S, I leave shortly to see you. All the inner voices seem to be fighting for their turn at the mic, leaving me in quite a state. I don't know what you'll get, I don't know what I want from this session except maybe some peace. I hope you see what I need and can provide it, because I don't know what I need or what will give me the peace I want. And one of those voices is certain that you are purposely pushing at me to try to provoke the anger. I don't want to be angry, I don't want to hurt you, so please stop. -me

You are back tomorrow. Part of me is relieved but a larger part of me doesn't even want to go. I've been fighting tears all day and the last week or two have been especially rough. I just don't see the point of telling you anything.

T,
I realized today that there's something big that I've never told you. I hope that when I tell you that you don't think I've been deceitful. That wasn't my intention, but it doesn't hold a lot of weight for me anymore. It's just one of those things you're supposed to tell a T, I guess.

See you Saturday,
Daisy

T--Eek. I'm so nervous about tomorrow! I wish you could come to court with me so maybe I don't freak out so much. Let's be serious, it would be so weird, so maybe not

Thank you for your email today, even though it unsettled me a bit. What are these new ideas?! The first thing I thought of was you are going to tell me to make a gratitude journal. I hope I am wrong. I tried it once, and it was sort of helpful, but not really.

Sigh. I hope tomorrow morning goes okay

The first one I see went to court with a client for support-So it may not be all that unusual.

Well, I think your girls are lucky to have you as a dad. Truly

Me

My T has worked in a court too, though she was super unhelpful. She goes "well..it IS intimidating, but you'll be fine!" I rolled my eyes at her and told her "Gee, thanks for that."

I know this is a relatively minor offense, and I most likely will just get fined (oh god, can't even think about how expensive it will be), but just the not knowing is the hardest part.