Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

I wanna talk to you, t. But I won't call cuz I can do this. I can. I am.

What is all this? Im not sure how this is supposed to be.I dont know if its real online anymore or whos real an fake whos out to burn me for things ive done.Its my only form of not going more withdrawn from society, an then from life its self.I let everyone down an iam on my way to treatment to hopefully rehabilitate my mind from what ive done to those around me an to myself, an how my actions have affected the ones i truly care about.I deserve to be no more so whats left to say..im sorry im just sorry.!

Oh t I was so mad last night. I was ready to quit. Had a right hissy fit here which I managed to delete most of. How embarrassing that I was acting so childish. I knew I was in the little girl mode or whatever. I saw it. I stopped it and deleted her rantings and told her I'm the adult here and this is how it's gonna be. When do I get to the point where she doesn't get to act out?? Thanks for your response to the email I sent before I started on the wine. It means a lot to hear you say how much I have grown. I have, but I let the little girl have a tantrum after I started drinking. Lesson learned. Check in with her first before opening the wine..... Ah I really feel like I am getting someplace now. I've got this, t. I do.

Dear T,

When you said to me about the lots of thoughts that may come up, and to just sit with them, or something like that, was that your way of saying 'please don't email me'?

I don't know, but that's how it seemed to me. Maybe because of the way you were sat today. I am sorry I left it until so late, and I am sorry that we had to run massively over because you needed to then make that right. You did make it right, so thank you, I just wish you had noticed I was struggling earlier, because it would have been easier for me to say something. I was done the first time it got hard. I don't even remember what we were talking about but I know it was too complicated for me at the time. But then we went somewhere else too. Again, I can't remember. I could listen again, but I am not sure that I want to.

Maybe some point I will, because then I might notice that I don't give any indication of my brain about to explode. Or implode. Or something.

Thank you for thinking if the notepad. I think it might be handy. And it shows me you think about me. I really am starting to believe that, you know.

What I don't understand is how what we were talking about today carried on from last week. It probably did, but I don't know. I am really confused right now, but I will try and sit with it and not bother you.

What sticks out for me from the session is the story about the ladybird. The salmon (though does that mean you think that I have had some big struggles). The drawing you did of the way I 'have' to shut down so much that I just end up shutting it all down.

Oh, and when I said it was my body doing the shutting down I only said that because logically, it can't be my brain if my brain is the bit saying it is safe and OK. But then you said that the brain could be in two halves and the reptilian brain is what is shutting me down. So then surely it figures that it might not be my body at all. But then you said that the body triggers the reptilian brain. Oh my god. I am honestly totally confused about it all.

And really, what the hell does it matter anyway?

i see you in there
i hope youre okay

T...why am i so thrown off that you haven't answered my emails for two weeks in a row?

None of them were "in distress" emails, more like "here is more information on my crazy brain" emails..so I get that they don't really warrant a response. Except, you DO usually respond. I am slightly worried you haven't gotten them? More likely you have, and maybe life has been crazy for you lately.

Anyway, I would like to know if I will see you Monday or not I told myself to wait until Saturday afternoon, and then I'll text you. I believe last year you emailed me the Friday before.

All of this is nothing big, I know.

Sad, hurt, mad - feeling let down by you. lost

Dear No. 3,

I wish you had not cared so much.

ATAT

I'm always hoping you will understand me, and that I will feel cared for and protected...But I don't think it's you who I actually need this from...You could never fill that bottomless pit of needs. But I still need you to be that. Please be there with me, I'm so alone in this, I need you to care.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm flagging today. Finding it tough to be 'here' again. Wondering whether this emotional release I'm working towards will be the end of it, or not. My friend tells me I'm putting too much weight on this crying thing, but if I've never allowed myself to go there, how do I know whether that's true?

The relentlessly shifting support system is difficult to handle. The same friend who asks me 'If you had a really good cry, would that be the end of it?' is the person whom I no longer feel comfortable talking with about this.

When I ask you for reassurance, it's good to hear that I'm safe. It's so good to hear that I'm safe...but there's another angle. I'm worried about becoming stuck, so I need to hear that this will pass. I'm trying hard to believe it, but not getting there yet.

Next time I see you, I must show you the poem I wrote to her. I think that explains more of where I am than I could possibly hope to at the moment.

'I almost forgave you for dying
There are no kind words
When you left me like this'

You've definitely changed how you work with me, t. I feel it, you know? Plus I'm not dumb (even though my college transcript disagrees). I know I've changed too, but it isn't just me, 'we' just feel different. And so do you. The last few times I've been there it's like you've become invisible... oh I see you sitting there, but if you texted me as I walked to my car and asked me what color your shirt was that day, I would not know. Of course I would guess black because you've always worn black a lot, but I would not know for sure. The other day, it's like I wasn't even seeing you at all. Where'd you go, t?! Can we even talk about this? Maybe it's a good thing. Maybe it's what I need to finally leave you. And yes after I said what I realized about myself the other day, I did feel the energy in the room change. The most drastic change that's ever happened there. Interesting. I don't know how to explain it other than I was hurting big time.

Sorry you are sick, was looking forward to seeing you today. Tuesday seems like forever away but I'll see you then I guess

Can you respond to my email, please? Even if it's just a quick "thanks for letting me know, we'll talk on Friday", I would really appreciate it.

I hate how much I think about you but I do it because it's comforting and you're so helpful. I've never been this open with any other T or person my whole life, you are the best. And I'm thoroughly impressed with your patience, it took awhile for me to really open up but you hung in there with me.

See you next week.

I changed my mind. I'm feeling like I want to quit therapy and give up on it. I'm so sick of thinking about you all the time and feeling attached. Nothing else in my life fulfills what you can for me so I'm stuck with the one hour a week I get to talk to you.

I just feel really hopeless right now. I don't want to do it anymore but I also can't let you go. I can't win.

OMG, this was on the 2nd page. The horror!

Hey T---weird that I got a text from you today about Monday, AND you said you read my email and we'll discuss it next session.

You don't read here, right? I can't imagine you would, but that was weird synergy or something.

Why do I hope for something I know won't come?

Hi
I need you

T,

I've spent most of the night on FB talking to people, and I got a wild hair to look you up.

You're so dang awkward. You've got the awkward dad thing down solid.

Now I really wish you were my dad. Dang it.

Daisy

Dear CW,

Man, did you go away on a holiday weekend at a bad time.

As always with me, everything hits all at once. Like you said, what are the odds of three professionals suddenly behaving unethically all at once? What are the odds of me getting the two pieces of news I got today, on the same day? That are simultaneously good and terrifying?

Catch you up Tuesday. Do try to remember my specific issues, 'kay?

ATAT

ATAT: I am sorry. I really have no words for the pain you seem to be in

Hey T. You truly don't read here, right? I mean, if you don't do social media, you possibly can't do forums!

Watch out for tornadoes this weekend. I hear you will be in that part of the country. Wouldn't want you to get hurt.

Dear MC,
I have this fear that someone (the T next door to my T or one of the other T's walking by outside) overheard what I was saying about you to T through the open window. And that it got back to you. And that you're going to bring it up Monday. Of course I can't ask you about this without saying that I was talking about some stuff with you to T. Not that you'd care about that, I'm sure, since I've done that before, and you know that.

But...maybe I feel a little guilty for some of what I was saying about your fuzzy boundaries--and then T's reaction to it. T said she wouldn't say anything about it to you, per my request...but another T wouldn't have to keep my confidentiality, I assume. Though it would be kinda sketchy for them to be like "I overheard client x saying something through an open window," wouldn't it? I'm likely worried about nothing.

I think it's mostly guilt about talking about you negatively behind your back...plus the fear that you'll find some reason to take things like e-mail or texts away--like if some other T heard about it and called you on it. But I guess the main thing comes down to those fears...and the guilt. Which probably could sum up my psyche pretty well in general: fear and guilt...

Love you,
LT

Hi LT

What evidence do you have for another therapist hearing your conversation? If it's just thoughts of it I wouldn't trust that very much right now

Thanks, JD.

I was warm in T's office, so she said it was OK to open her window. If the therapist next door (in same practice) also had her window open, she could have heard me. And I was referring to MC by his first name, so she could have figured out who I meant. I have no evidence of that, of course (and I shut window near the end). (MC's office is two away, and I don't think he has windows on that side, so not so concerned about him overhearing.)

I think it's also that I sent MC an e-mail Thursday saying I actually *wasn't* freaking out or upset after Monday's appointment (where I was rather critical of him at the end), that I know he expected me to e-mail with that, but I wasn't feeling that. And I tried to explain more what I was saying when I was critical of him in session (the session with him, not with T). Because I felt like it could seem like I'm contradicting myself (saying I want him to fix me, then saying I'm worried he thinks I'm the broken one in the marriage).

I said at the end that "of course you know I always appreciate a response, but if you don't have time before Monday, I understand." Which is my head is like "OK, I basically told him he didn't have to respond." Of course, I was fine for 2 days, now I'm very slightly concerned. I know it's a holiday weekend, his daughter likely has her high school graduation soon (I'm wondering if that's why he's off some next week), so maybe they're having a party or something or traveling or who knows? So I'm sure it's nothing. (And it's not like I'm obsessively checking my e-mail like I usually would, just a little thing in the back of my mind.)

So it's probably mostly guilt about talking about him behind his back, plus being critical to his face and a bit via e-mail. It's like I want to text him and be like "I'm sorry, I still love you of course" but I won't!