Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

Dear CW,

I'm guessing three nights in a row of increased anxiety (even with excessive exercise) might be due to Cymbalta withdrawal. Or maybe I'm getting worse again. Whichever, it is seriously unfun. Self-destructive thoughts are pouring in faster than I can repair the dam.

But I really really want to be off meds so it's worth sticking it out. You're away this week, but with any luck I will have stabilized by next week's appointment.

ATAT

ATAT - would it be helpful to talk about any of the thoughts? PM if you want.

Dearrrrrrrr Teeeeee
Found your recent radio interview and listening it right now!
I missed your voice
See you tomorrow

Love,
me

T,
I know you're trying really hard to provide me with reassurance, but it keeps quickly fading away. I miss you already! I will only email you tomorrow night and then wait to see you next week. That's my plan at least.

I really hope the healing plate looks good on Friday. Otherwise I'll be too embarrassed to see you. Ugh! I need to see you! I'm so scared of Friday. I'm going to be so ugly. How am I even going to let my fiance see me!?!?

I've been trying hard to cope. I'm cleaning and organizing the house, painting glass, crocheting a blanket for my sister's baby, designing the guest room, taking a bath, Ativan, watching TV, watching movies, playing with the dogs, working on a family tree, etc.

Please still be there. Please still be patient. I'm trying really hard to be good. A lot is happening right now. I really really need you!

MC,
Something today? Please? If not for adult me, then for inner child me?
Love,
LT

So tomorrow is cancelled.
I hope your child will get well soon... I'm sure you're Super Dad!
I worry...My thoughts are with you.
Miss you, love you

It'll be a month without you. Take a rest from me please.

I'm sure I've got you all beat on the most texts/emails in one week haha

"Dear MC,
Sorry for e-mailing you again. We're in a competition to see who can contact their T the most in a week, and I'm behind!
Love,
LT"

T, I appreciate you so much! I know I'm less important for you than you are for me, and you will be spending the day working with other many clients and thinking of your family and your life. But you really understood that I wouldn't cancel unless I really had to, and you were so nice about it. I don't pay you anything for the extra contact and phone calls, you do it because you care. Thank you!

Ok that made me giggle out loud at work! My cube neighbor's all what's so funny and I'm like.... You wouldn't understand haha

Dear t: after seeing you with the cow yesterday, i think everyone should get to see their t with a cow once. It made you so very regular-human-being and i liked that. Seeing that you deal with **** like a stray cow wandering into your yard, that your life's not any more perfect than mine, was helpful for me. Love you and i hope you have an awesome vacation.

I want to take part in a competition, but I can't text/email T.

Do posts in dear t count??

T

Get out, get out, get out. This is one of my worlds. I don't want you in there. People aren't allowed in there. They're forbidden. Get out. That has been my safe space for years. No one knows about it or how it looks, so no one can destroy it

Get out! (I want to use 1000 of those, but I'm trying hard to resist

I miss you already and I really am going to miss our session now that they are over. You will make a really awesome Psychologist and I am forever grateful that I met you and learnt so much from you. You have taught me how to try and be less nervous in every day situations. But even the talks we have had regarding my head and everything about Bipolar. I am really going to miss seeing your calming smiling on a weekly basis. You really are amazing and I wish you all the luck in world for your final year at Uni and the working world. Love always Laura :-)

This has been the longest two weeks waiting to see you again...I think I'm going to call in sick tomorrow so I don't have to sit at work all day and think about you. We'll just call it a "mental heath day" I mean, I'll be going to therapy so I feel like that is prime justification.

See you tomorrow

AHHHH! T. INAM SO RAGEY RIGHT NOW. If I have to listen to coughing children while they sleep for much longer, I am going to throw myself through a window. Good God. Stupid toddlers and their constant snot. UGH. Omg.

I can't even ****ing type bc I am so angry

Hi T,

Nope, no way. I can't. Sorry?

Hi, love you. I almost emailed just that to you last night at 2am right before I went to bed. -me

ps. telepathically telling you to email me. - does that count in this contest?

T,

I think I have finally managed to formulate me thoughts into something fairly coherent. I am sure that it will not convey the depth of things for me, but I just don't know how to do that. I can't give any more than I am giving.

i wanna write something to you but i don't really have anything to say

i guess i miss ya

Hey T. I am prety sure you were replying back to my email when I was completely crazed with rage earlier. How weird is that? And it calmed me some, even though it was in reference to something else.

Thank you.

Dear MC,
Tonight, maybe? Just feeling very exposed and raw after saying that stuff... Even like a "Thanks for sharing, let's talk Monday" would help.

And of course part of me is worried you didn't respond to the original Monday e-mail because you actually are dying and aren't sure what to say to me because I said you can't use "Things are OK."

But really I just want to know that you're not weirded out or put off by the inner child stuff. I want to text you to check in, but will try to wait till morning. Because you tend to respond to e-mails at night.

Love,
LT

Dear MC,
Sorry I'm so ****ing needy. I just don't feel like staring at my e-mail all night, wondering if you will respond, when most likely you haven't even read it yet. If you opt to cut me off, I get it. Just please understand I'm really trying to do the hard work now. I'm not just blindly looking for reassurance. I'm digging deep and trying to do the work, to really get to the root of the issues, to ultimately heal myself. As I said in the text, please bear with me...please?
Love,
LT

Also, right after texting you, I texted a few friends about getting together. So, trying to focus on real life, as in right now, too, not just past and childhood needs and how they relate to you. Just need to be careful in my responses if one or more of you (and H) text me back...don't need to be talking to friends about my inner child!