Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

Dear MC,
So apparently, as soon as I texted you, you went and read my e-mails. Or else you already happened to be reading them when I texted. Because that was a pretty thorough reply. Thanks for adding in the reassurance that you aren't, to your knowledge, dying. I figured you'd just skip over that part, and I'd wonder if it meant anything. But you probably realized that...
Just skimming your response (to make sure you weren't like 'Please stop e-mailing me!" or "Yeah, I have about 6 months left, so better hurry up with the transference working out") made my eyes tear up, in a good way. So pretty sure a closer read will lead to out and out crying. So will wait till D is asleep for that.

You're awesome. I love you.
LT

PS--I'll stop spamming the thread now!

Teeeeeeeeeeeeee!! Guess what? I did it. I registered for a 6 week summer class at Pima that's starting next week! I want to email you this sooooo bad but I'm not going to. I'll wait and tell you on the 24th when I'll be able to also tell you about the first couple of assignments!

Putting to use the advice I got from Monday night's Active Imagination yesterday when I was in your office listening to (and speaking) my OWN voice only was so super empowering. It totally made me take ACTION! Lesson learned big time... yeah, I know, I totally hear you saying "It's about time!"

I'll say it again my dear t, this therapy stuff works.

Dear Dr. S, Yep, still love you. Yep wanna tell you, otherwise I think I'm good without emailing. I have about 20 hours or so to email you and then you are off for the weekend. Don't know if you'll be around this weekend or not. I'm trying to treat all weekends as if you leave town.4 day. - me

I just need to remember the med withdrawal symptoms won't last forever.

That's hard. Hang in there <3

I was reading your posts and hoping that MC would reply. So I'm glad to hear that he did!

Thank you

I survived 500 hours without you...169 to go.
Miss you

I know i don't deserve you. I know i'm the worst client ever. I know i mean nothing to you. That hurts.

But i miss you anyway.
Take care.

T,

Last session almost a month ago, you agreed with me that I hurt people who care about me.

I guess I'm an abusive ****, just like I fear I am. I see you in four days and I've messaged you so much this past month. I hope you read each message and didn't miss any out because I was being as vulnerable and honest as I can about various longstanding therapy stuff...

I love you

Were you able to resolve your situation? :-)

Teeeeee

Aww, thanks for asking Demunie, that means a lot.

It was a very interesting session, which I may type up later in the 'in session' thread, but I guess, in a way, it was resolved, yes. For now, at least. With regards to the statement she made, she said that it was just a random statement, that clearly wasn't helpful. She said that she does share a lot more of her thoughts and feelings with me than she does with most people, because I find it helpful, and that sometimes, because of this, she will miss the mark. She explained that sometimes she will be with me, understanding, and sometimes she won't. I get that.

She also acknowledged that it had lifted the lid on a lot of other things. She read that I had been angry and alone, and said that the email that I sent was hard for her, and that, for her, it would have been good to see me straight away, or the next day, to help repair that and to help me realise that I wasn't on my own, but that she also thought that maybe I needed to work through that anger and aloneness, alone. I think she is right, because it did bring out a lot of other things and I arrived in session ready to listen to what she had to say, which I might not have done the next day. I don't know, but it was good to hear that she wanted to see me and repair it straight away, if nothing else.

She said she was a little surprised to hear that I don't hear her validating my experiences, or know what she thinks of my past, because her experience of it is that she has explained it, has validated me, but she listened to me and heard what I had to say and accepted that maybe I can't hear her because she is silently sitting with my pain. That does not come across to me at all, and she had agreed to try to express what she is doing in these cases. She also said that maybe a lot of what she has said had gone 'over my head'. (Said in a nice way, not a patronising way.) ETA. She said that sometimes she doesn't say anything because 'she' feels like words are not enough, or because she doesn't have the words to express herself. But she did acknowledge that I may need more words, and said that she would try. I think that this happens more often that she is aware of.

There was a lot more too, which I will write up, but not here.

One of the things that she said right at the end was about us meeting again on Tuesday, and starting again, or something like that. It felt like we could do this. She was incredibly open and honest with me, about all of this, which I am always appreciative of, even though it is hard to hear sometimes. She doesn't lie, and that is important to me.

Thanks again.

I've got a game. Not a fully formed game, but an idea. Let's work together to just have a bit of 'meaningless' fun!!!

I've read in books that people who experience emotional neglect and/or abuse of any time often naturally experience silence as coldness and punishing

T... help... me... I'm going manic or something cos I just spent $970 in books and movies over the past 2 weeks when I rarely spend more than $20 a week!

Okay.. technically $800 in the past two weeks... but I just bid $170 on eBay today and I'm the only bidder... Bidding ends in 2 hours!

That's really interesting. Thank you. There is and always has been a lot of silence in our sessions, and if I can tell T is engaged and we are connected then it isn't a problem, but when I can't, it is very hard. We have made a sign that I can point to to ask where she is, and it had things like 'thinking', 'holding back', 'quiet' on it, which she sometimes uses to tell me where she is, and it helps to calm the unsettledness and 'insert feeling I can't name' that I am experiencing. I couldn't cope with no silence, but wrong silence is too much for me. I totally understand that I am not easy, BTW!

How many drafts do I have to make before I will actually send you an email? Is it progress that I am not pushing the send button or regression?

My previous T used silence as a technique I guess, and I really didn't like it. It was somewhat good for me, because I did learn to tolerate silence (I used to have the tv on in the background even if I wasn't watching it, just for noise.), but I definitely read into it that she found me annoying and frustrating, and wanted me to quit.

My mother definitely used silence as a punishment, so I do know where my fear comes from.

Poor Fiona. It's so sad, seeing a grown woman throw her life away like that. I'll miss her perma creased linen. And those shoes!

OK T, where are you with that reply? I think you were right about the little one. She definitely felt like she was dying, fading away. I can really relate to the 'phases' of the neediness, and I believe that I am back to the needing all of you and all of me. Without it, she felt like she didn't exist anymore. It may phase out again, but right now I need to you look at my picture and respond. Please.

ETA. Ah, there you are. Are you reading my posts? Whichever. Glad you liked it, cos so did I, and I am also glad we can carry on.

Dear MC,
I wanted to tell you to have a good weekend at the end of my response to your e-mail. But then it occurred to me that Sunday is Mother's Day...so I suspect it will be a tough one for you and your kids. So I just thanked you instead. Wish I could give you a hug.
Love,
LT

Hi t. I'm still excited about my class starting next week. My first online college course. When i went away to college at 19 there was no online yet haha! And no 6 week summer classes, either.

T,
I was thinking about you driving home from work today. I was thinking about the letter I wrote to you on Wednesday. It has my whole truth in it. The entire story, no omissions. I know that it will not change how you treat me. You've already proven yourself beyond measure.

But the things I want to tell you? Some parts of it other people know. Some parts I've lied about. I want to tell you everything. The whole truth.

And I'm frightened to death. Because now I'm having to admit some pretty scary things to myself. And how will you be able to help me pick up the pieces? Your vacation is in 6 weeks. 3 sessions.

Please keep me safe. Don't let me drown in the ocean.

Daisy

I'm really missing you and idk why especially because of that F'd up dream

I hate today.