Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

junkDNA · May 27, 2017, 12:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonesomeTonight

Thanks, JD.

I was warm in T's office, so she said it was OK to open her window. If the therapist next door (in same practice) also had her window open, she could have heard me. And I was referring to MC by his first name, so she could have figured out who I meant. I have no evidence of that, of course (and I shut window near the end). (MC's office is two away, and I don't think he has windows on that side, so not so concerned about him overhearing.)

I think it's also that I sent MC an e-mail Thursday saying I actually *wasn't* freaking out or upset after Monday's appointment (where I was rather critical of him at the end), that I know he expected me to e-mail with that, but I wasn't feeling that. And I tried to explain more what I was saying when I was critical of him in session (the session with him, not with T). Because I felt like it could seem like I'm contradicting myself (saying I want him to fix me, then saying I'm worried he thinks I'm the broken one in the marriage).

I said at the end that "of course you know I always appreciate a response, but if you don't have time before Monday, I understand." Which is my head is like "OK, I basically told him he didn't have to respond." Of course, I was fine for 2 days, now I'm very slightly concerned. I know it's a holiday weekend, his daughter likely has her high school graduation soon (I'm wondering if that's why he's off some next week), so maybe they're having a party or something or traveling or who knows? So I'm sure it's nothing. (And it's not like I'm obsessively checking my e-mail like I usually would, just a little thing in the back of my mind.)

So it's probably mostly guilt about talking about him behind his back, plus being critical to his face and a bit via e-mail. It's like I want to text him and be like "I'm sorry, I still love you of course" but I won't!

reminds me of the guilt i feel talking about my parents especially mom. feels like i am being disloyal and sneaky? i guess. not sure how to describe it. it is intense guilt and a large part of the reason i avoid the subject with my T

LonesomeTonight · May 27, 2017, 12:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by junkDNA

reminds me of the guilt i feel talking about my parents especially mom. feels like i am being disloyal and sneaky? i guess. not sure how to describe it. it is intense guilt and a large part of the reason i avoid the subject with my T

Interesting, because I have similar feelings when talking about my parents sometimes. Like if I'm saying negative things about how they are now or when I was a kid. So that makes sense then with the paternal transference--because I'm being critical of a parental-type figure...

awkwardlyyours · May 27, 2017, 01:50 PM

Dear Current T --

Just...........f--k you.

- A Very Drunk AY

growlycat · May 27, 2017, 02:37 PM

I feel sad today. What if you can't help me?

LostOnTheTrail · May 27, 2017, 05:27 PM

Hi R,

I'm losing my words again. I'm hurting, again. It's hard to feel emotional pain and not know how to defuse it. The kind of 'little breakdown [sic]' you mentioned appears to be beyond me. I hold it together too well...this is the problem. I'm falling apart on the inside, and yet I need to be OK for everybody else's sake. I'm not comfortable with 'Poor you' or other manifestations of sympathy, and at the other end of the scale, pretending it isn't happening doesn't fly either.

Chances are we will end up talking about this some on the 8th, as another way of avoiding the conversation we really need to have. I need to make peace with the fact that bringing all this out into the light was never going to be painless. I'm going to need you to help and guide me to that place where it is safe to fall apart.

Half of this isn't what I want to say, but hopefully you can discern the pertinent bits. I'll try not to email during your holiday, but I can't promise anything.

atisketatasket · May 27, 2017, 07:01 PM

Dear No. 3,

Just so you know, in the aftermath of your email I would like

Possible trigger:

to punch a window.

ATAT

LonesomeTonight · May 27, 2017, 09:40 PM

MC,

Sorry I'm so annoying...

LT

May 27, 2017, 11:13 PM

Hi T. I wish I had told you the other day how much I wanted to be able to come next week. I really wanted to continue the conversation around my big realization. Instead I acted like it was fine that you were changing my day and scheduled for 6/8 instead. Why did I do that? Why can't I just say what I want? I would have been able to come on 5/31 but I already have plans for after work on 6/1 that I can't change. I should have asked why you were telling me so last-minute. I should have told you that I really wanted to come next week.

I'm not mad anymore, I feel pretty good actually, I've done some writing about the stuff we were discussing and I talked with h about it, but I still wish I could come next week and process it more while it's still fresh. But I am too stubborn to call you and ask you to work me in somehow prior to Thursday.

Oh well. I think perhaps it's good for me to deal with this on my own. Maybe I'll learn that it's not so much you, but me, figuring this stuff out and that I can do it without you.

I wish I could call you right now and talk to you. I've never called you at night before, and I won't now, I just, well, I just want you is all. You sitting there accepting me despite what I said makes it possible for me to start accepting it too so I can change and move forward, but when I'm sitting with it here by myself it's really hard to keep from falling back into that cycle of self blame/self hatred where I get stuck and moving forward is not possible. I just keep telling myself over and over that I can't go back, nobody can, all I can do is learn from it and change and move forward.

I really want to talk to you right now.

May 27, 2017, 11:27 PM

(Too bad there aren't pay phones around anymore. If there were, I could go to one and call you and listen to your voice mail greeting. That would probably be enough. But if I actually called from my cell phone, my luck you would answer, and I would feel stupid for bothering you.)

atisketatasket · May 27, 2017, 11:29 PM

Art - psst. The 67 code should work on cell phones too. Just put it in front of the number you dial.

May 27, 2017, 11:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by atisketatasket

Art - psst. The 67 code should work on cell phones too. Just put it in front of the number you dial.

My luck I'd do it wrong. But thanks.

Elio · May 27, 2017, 11:33 PM

Thank you for the email response Dr. S. I don't know about talking to you tomorrow.

Demunie · May 28, 2017, 01:12 AM

Hi T,

I miss you...

I dreamt that my dad screamed at me for hours, saying some really awful things.

Possible trigger:

woke up with strong urges. Some of the things he screamed about was SH, so...

I know I can't give in to them. I'm on blood thinners. Giving in would be a really bad idea.

Wouldn't it?!?

UnderRugSwept · 03:10 AM

T2, Thanks for your texts back; they were very kind & supportive.

Not surprisingly I feel like complete **** right now, and kinda like I am being messed with, although I don't think he is doing it on purpose.

Nonetheless I am hurt and angry.

I thought I had broken this pattern years ago, but now I am not sure.

I guess I am angry how much I care about him (and b/c I really do feel jerked around). But I am so angry that I feel almost numb.

velcro003 · May 28, 2017, 01:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Demunie

I know I can't give in to them. I'm on blood thinners. Giving in would be a really bad idea.

Wouldn't it?!?

Yes

Mainly because of the blood thinner part. That sounds dangerous.

junkDNA · May 28, 2017, 01:10 PM

Hi T remember when we would go down to the big tree with the swings on it and you would swing with me?

Waterbear · May 28, 2017, 02:50 PM

Tomorrow I will see you tomorrow. Let's not have such a mind boggling session. I have to be able to see where we are going. If I can't see where we are going, or even where I am right in that moment, there isn't any point to it. Slowly, you said. Gently.

May 28, 2017, 03:58 PM

Hey t. I just remembered something from my session last week. I don't remember how it came up but I mentioned as part of a bigger thing finding out my son had been smoking weed back in January or whenever it was (before he started therapy). I recall when I told you back then, you really didn't say anything about it you just listened to me. Now the other day, you jumped all over it and were like "Ooh that's a warning sign you know." I'm thinking to myself well thankyouverymuch for saying that NOW. Where were you back in January (or whenever it was) when I first talked about it?! Were you not even paying attention? I'm starting to get annoyed at you for all kinds of things. Maybe we've just been at this too long together. Maybe this is just my process of un-attaching myself from you. This seeing you as an imperfect human who makes mistakes. I so want to talk about this. Which we would be doing this coming week if you hadn't change my day. Oops. I said I was over that. See you on the 8th, poop head.

lucozader · May 28, 2017, 05:04 PM

I'm afraid and you really don't care.

Out There · May 28, 2017, 05:15 PM

Anniversaries coming up and I feel the losses - I wish I was seeing you tomorrow to talk about it , sooner rather than later.

junkDNA · May 28, 2017, 05:42 PM

T,
I'm fat

May 28, 2017, 05:53 PM

Ex T- you're overcompensating. Again.

May 28, 2017, 05:59 PM

T,
I really hope that you're still in therapy. And now I feel really bad because I feel like I trigger you in a way that must be difficult to cope with. But I'm also mad that you would give me this burden to hold. And that I'm going to have to waste time next week discussing our alliance versus something actually important. Maybe I cut my losses now and ask for referrals. It's not like we're in it for the long haul anyway.

Daisy.