Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

I have no clue what's been real but you can't blame me for not wanting to go.Or for thinking these positive thoughts were from you But I don't know how to stop noticing things things that say what I wish it to be.....you have to see that all this time I was on you ur team always...sorry just feel so lost.

I was doing okay! I've been fine all week since our intense session last week. Now, on the day we would be meeting, I dreamed about trying to get to therapy, which often happens when I have a break longer than a week. I'm getting anxious. I'm thinking about emailing, but what would I say that wouldn't sound stupid, needy, or make you wish you hadn't said I could email? We'll see how the next few days go.

I saw someone say in a different thread this week, was that the opposite of "i'm just a paycheck," is the insuination that he is there solely to provide for you needs. I know that is very black and white thinking and phrasing, but I do think some of it might ring true.

Of course, he has a job because everyone needs money to survive.

But honestly, I don't think T's go into it for the money. There are many more higher paying jobs that provides services to humans in need that aren't therapists.

(I can forsee SD's reaction here, and I nod my head at her thoughts)

So maybe instead of thinking "Ugh, MC came in just because he needs money, and would rather have a day off then dealing with me (which is what I am gathering is where your worry is coming from),"

It could be more like "MC probably needs some money right now, but he did choose to be here, and he is the same, sensitive MC that he always has been."

See the difference?

**also, i could have explained all of this better...but it is late, i have had a few drinks, and i am tired**

You did just fine, v. On the scale of do I make more sense than unaluna, I give you a 10.

Geez even trump makes more sense than unaluna...

I'd add, that he choose to see me/us to this list too since he was having a shorter week, that means some people didn't get to see him this week. (based on my understanding of his schedule for this week)

Thanks to those who gave different perspectives on the "just came into work to make money" thing. I am thankful we got to see him when some of his clients would have had to miss this week. And yes, I certainly can understand him needing the money--and it's not like he's salaried, so the days he's off this week, he's not getting paid for.

I think part of why I'm upset is that at the end of last week's session, he gave the impression that he was really going to think about what I said regarding him giving the impression that I'm the one who always needs to adapt/fix things rather than H. So I figured he'd bring that up at some point instead of waiting for me to do so right near the end. And then not really saying much about it and seeming to put it back on me almost. I was expecting some big Mea culpa and didn't get it. The thing about coming to work to be responsible was more like just salt in the wound.

And so much of it comes down to my attachment and struggles with that. And feeling limited in how I can address it. And how it often feels like one step forward, two steps back. I don't even know if he'll respond to the texts., especially with him being busy this week. I want to explain more but don't want to bombard him--maybe I'll send an email tomorrow if I don't get text response, just because I feel a little bad about my "just a paycheck" text and want to explain. Though I should probably just leave him alone...

Thanks for reading.

Dear MC,
I know you're busy with non-work stuff this week, but could you please say something back to me? You're probably not sure which thing to respond to but I think it's clear that it all comes down to attachment and what you really think of me. You probably don't know what to say but just try, OK?
LT

I want to hold your wrist and i want you to hold mine. Just for a second. So i could now you exist.
Do you exist?

I don't deserve you. I'm so tired.

Dear MC,
You know what I think I *really* want? (But could never ask for). For you to admit your role in developing and maintaining my transference and attachment. The excessive self-disclosure, the way you look at me, the way you talk to me, the little smiles, the reassurance even when you say you have to stop reassuring me, teasing me, the outside contact (not that I'd want you to take that away of course), being endearing by doing things like singing a song, talking about your kids and demonstrating how caring you are with them, forgiving me and accepting it if I pry into your life, never getting (or at lest admitting to) angry with me, letting sessions run over even when you say you need to stop doing that, some sort of countertransference (paternal? Seeing yourself in me? Possibly a bit of erotic/romantic?) that I'm sure you'd never admit to...

But I can't talk about this with you. Partly because I like most of it, even as I recognize the effect some of it has had on me, even realizing that, though you say you're trying to help me work through the attachment and transference, you're simultaneously feeding it and keeping it alive and intense. I think I need you to help me out of this, but first you'd need to recognize your part, and I don't know that you'd be willing to do that...

And yeah, you could cut off any outside contact and stop self-disclosing (actually, I'm not sure you'd be capable of not telling personal stories!) and stop being nice and caring to me, but I don't think some sort of cold turkey thing would work well with me (just as I know I could walk away if I wanted, but then, according to what I've read, I'd just find someone else to attach to). So I want you to help me, just not sure how. Maybe tell me more negative stories about yourself? Like about you getting angry at your kids? Or go into detail about the times you've punched a wall? Stories that focus on how different you are from me instead of how similar? Or just really mundane stories, like "I spent Saturday mowing the lawn and caulking the bathroom." Or maybe gross/TMI ones--"I had some Taco Bell and spent all Sunday night in the bathroom." I don't know for sure that would help, but worth a try maybe? (OK, maybe not the gross ones...)
Love,
LT

It made you sad today. I am not sure whether I am sorry or glad about that, or both. I mean, knowing you were sad means I know that it matters to you.

Thank you for hearing me today, and for asking if I felt heard, and for acknowledging that I did tell you, as plain as day, that I was getting lost, and you didn't take notice. For saying it was obvious why I would be cross, for making that OK for me. For telling me that you didn't mean that I couldn't email (though that one took some digging. I guess that really wasn't in your mind anywhere at all, which is good). For telling me how it made you feel. For understanding why the trust was broken.

We will heal it again, I know.

huggles for T

OMG. My second therapist did almost exactly what your marriage counselor did! He did the excessive disclosure, teasing, talking about people in his life, etc.. Drove me nuts. He also talked about masturbation once... and that's when I quit seeing him. I did not bring up masturbation or anything that would have led to talking about it. He came up with that topic on his own.

My first therapist, although female like me, did excessive self disclosure too... and it made me become attached to her, as if she were my own mother. She would not (on her own) admit to developing transference, and I don't think she would admit to it even if I confronted her about it. So yep, I totally feel you on that one.

Thanks for sharing your experiences--I'm sorry that you dealt with that. MC has never brought up anything sexual, so there's that at least.

The self-disclosure stuff is just what he does as a T--I think he does it with pretty much all his clients. He's said he rejects the idea of the blank-slate T. And that he only discloses with therapeutic purpose (like to relate to something we're talking about), but I feel like some of his stories don't necessarily relate. It's not a case where he seems to be dumping his issues on us--it's really more like he has a need to share the stories with someone, almost, if that makes sense. Sometimes it almost feels like more of a friendship relationship at times--along with the paternal transference. And then it can be confusing when he does put up more of a boundary or doesn't share something major in his life (like the stuff with his wife, which I know I've probably talked to death on this forum).

I think maybe I need to start my own thread on this (I've done one on what it means to work through paternal transference, but this is a bit different, I think). Will do that a bit later...

ETA my individual T, who is a female my mom's age, does very little self-disclosure. I have a bit of maternal transference for her, but I'm much less attached. I felt bad sometimes that I was so attached to MC, but not as much to her. But I think it's due to her tighter boundaries--even though she does allow e-mail and, as of about a year ago, occasional hugs. She's taken steps to keep me from getting too attached (she even admitted a bit of maternal countertransference at one point).

I think I may have screwed up in emailing you last week...I don't want it to seem like I'm blaming you for letting me leave dissociated. You asked me if I was okay to go and I said I was.

I'm dreading our session this week. I don't want you to be mad at me for not saying that I wasn't okay...You're not going to trust me anymore.

Next week... you'll ask me what's wrong and I'll answer with my usual, "I'm fine," when deflecting. Deflecting is all I know what to do anymore because I'm tired of trying to explain my thoughts and my point never being understood. I meant what I said in my text. I'll walk this journey and deal with my stuff then I do want to leave. All I feel is disappointment about my life here, and I want a new life as far away as possible from this place when the journey's over. I'm leaving everything behind, including you, and starting fresh.

Hi t, You asked me a question last session and I lied that everything was okay but it's not. I'm sorry. I just felt like you wouldn't be able to help me with it so I didn't think talking about it was a good use of time. But it came back to bite me later in the week and now I feel stupid for not telling you. Please forgive me for lying.

What is this can someone real just tell me something real Idk what this is or why its meant for me Idk what T stands for I'm assuming therapist an that means dating...?? And MC marriage?? All this stuff are things I feel I'm going through but I'm so tired of this stuff popping up so I open up an get trolled or slammed for needing help an wanting to talk so someone real explain this to me an laugh at your screen if ypu want just explain what's happening here.

Hugs coolbean. This is just a general thread where anyone can write whatever they'd like to tell their T (Therapist) or MC (Marriage counselor), but can't for whatever reason. Sorry you made the experience of being trolled or slammed, that shouldn't be... feel free to pm (send me a private message) me if you want to talk about anything

I didn't mean to make a trolled experience an you seem genuine....but its not the first time someone is genuine an then makes a joke directed at me personally then calls me narcissistic for pointing it out we all go thru some of the same things in life I think it human nature to wanna relate it to your own life its when we lose the ability to see or care how someone may be feeling or dont take the time to realize their own flaws that it becomes narcissistic an iam happy to listen an discuss anyones problems....an give my thoughts or ears...an when you have no outlet at all you turn inward an hide it may be time to talk to someone an the internet is someyimes all someone has....an when someone confides in you what is breaking them....why put anvils on their head....thank you fot being genuine......HOW ARE YOU TODAY....

I agree, it's human nature. Bottling things up is never good, and it's awful how few people actually care how one is feeling.

I'm okay, but feeling hopeless. That's what I actually intended to post when I opened this thread:

"Hi T,
Sorry for today. I feel like there's no amount of support, help and 'positivity' that'll ever help me to get out of this place. That'll help to get me... content? Damn, free of suicidal and SH thoughts would be enough for the moment. But yeah... I could see you daily and it still ain't made any difference, so... Thx for trying. Sorry for being such a disappointment. Such a burden.
"

How are you?

I saw your thread a few minutes ago. Do you want to have our conversation there? I don't want to fill someones thread with unrelated posts

(((Munie))) You are not a disappointment or a burden. You are a lovely human being who is worthy of every second of your T's time. You are doing great work in therapy, even if it feels so incredibly hard sometimes, and you are going to get through this.

T... I felt so good today, and I desperately wanted to tell you. I wanted you to be proud of me and happy for me.

Dear Dr. S,

Thank you for your email this morning. It has helped, mine to you last night and your reply. I'm still sad to not see you, it's not so overwhelming and I no longer feel like I am distancing myself from you in order to calm the negative feelings.

I still do feel like the little boy is not wanted and I can't tell you I love you anymore. We'll talk about it and loads more when you come back. I'm excited to see you.

Love,
me

Ohhhhh I am thinking of you a lot today.