Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

help...help..help..

here i go again

Dear T,

What shall we do tomorrow? Good question. I don't know. What should we talk about. It feels weird to come and see you. Why is that? I mean, it normally feels weird but....I don't know. I wish this was easier!

Everything just takes so long and we have so little time together. There are Tims that our sessions actually feel longer, and those are the times that I actually open up, talk to you, don't spend so long in silence. This writing things down just takes so much longer than talking. I often think that in session and sometimes it helps push me to actually talk. Sometimes.

T,

Trust you to be abroad overseas again for a holiday, and still only seeing me once a month despite YOU pushing for processing memories.

I know you need your holidays. It's good that you and your family and friends are upper middle class and can afford all this.

I just want a week off work.

T,
I'm scared.
Will you hold my hand?
Will I ask you to hold my hand? Dunno.

cr

Thank you for being there through everything. Not just now but over the last nearly 2.5 years. Through the successes and the failures, through the joy and the heartbreak. You've always been you, and you've always been by my side. And that is why I love you, and trust you to be by my side through all of this.

i hate you so ****ing much

Dear M,

I hope your wife is ok. Idk if I should express this to you or not.

T if you are going to cancel tomorrow pls let me know sooner rather than later so i can stop obsessing already.

You know when I say I love you....maybe don't say 'thank you'. Silence would be much better.
Thank you insinuates I'm telling you that for your benefit. I'm not.

Don't know, I often get the silence. It's weird for me. It isn't as bad when paired with that smile. Sometimes, I get "I know". That is better, I think.

He once said "that's nice to hear" which I really liked. Today he smiled and nodded, which was enough, but then he said 'thank you' which ruined it a bit for me.

Not to derail, but that's interesting that you say I love you is not for the recipient, but for you. Recently, my therapist said I care about you and I said thank you back to her. It just fit to honor that statement of hers. Maybe that's what your therapist is doing, especially considering the constraints of this very strange therapist/client relationship?

Or is the truer statement, I want you to love me? If so, then thank you as a reply would hurt.

I can be so concrete as to be obtuse, so now I am thinking the subtext of your statement is more of that last kind, in which case, can you tell him that instead of the other?

Sorry if I'm overstepping.

Guess I better say something to my therapist here:

Dear T,

I just want to whine and cry and cry and whine for days on end. Also, I would like a donut.

That would bother me, too. I've gotten "That's very kind" from MC and something similar from T the first time I told her. Both of which bothered me. Because it was like I was complimenting their shirt or something.

You know, this seems like a good thread topic--what should a T say if a client says "I love you" (assuming the T doesn't feel comfortable returning the sentiment). I see "I care about you" as different from "I love you"--the caring seems more about the recipient to me. It's hard to explain...

Dear MC,
I'm glad you specifically said you weren't angry about the e-mail, without my having to ask. It was also nice to see that little half-smile from you a few times today. I think that's something I had been missing, too, that tends to make me feel more connected to you. Also, that indigo color looked good on you--wear that shirt more often (was it new?) and not so much the red or white.

Also, when you mentioned your daughter going to college in the fall, I wanted to ask where she was going, or at least if it was out of state, but felt like I shouldn't cross that line. Even though I'm pretty sure you'd at least say out vs in state. I imagine that will be very difficult for you if she goes out of state--I know you're close.

Love you,
LT

Maybe so, but if your therapist said I love you, wouldn't you want to think that's about you and not them? I mean, wouldn't that feel good to you?

You're not overstepping ruh roh. It's interesting to consider (and frankly a nice distraction for me right now).
I don't think that the subtext to me telling him I love him is that I want him to love me (although as a side, I do want him to love me and I have told him so).
I think I am saying "I love you" for me, in the sense that I get pleasure and security from being able to express those feelings freely and without fear of rejection, which is rewriting the scripts of my childhood.
His response didn't really hurt, it just misses the point of the communication and feels a bit jarring. Does that make sense?
I appreciate your taking the time to help me consider this, as I've learned something about myself!

I made a poll

Hm, Interesting point...Maybe it's sort of the imbalance of power thing, then. Like if you say it to your therapist, they see it more as a compliment. But if my T or MC said it to me (T has sort of said it without really saying it), it would feel good. Though since I love both of them, I'd say "I love you" back instead of "thanks."

I wish I could be with you all the time. You make me feel safe.

I'm sooo stressed out

I'm in a fog.
I feel so stressed out about my job stuff that I'm frozen. I feel shook from losing my regular appointments with you and then seeing my Ex has put my even deeper in a state. There is literally nothing stable in my life right now and it's very hard to trust or believe in anything, even you.
I know this is irrational but I'm feeling so lost.

T, i hope you are ok. I am thinking and worrying about you.

Hey T. Thanks for telling me you don't find me boring, even if I find myself extremely boring. It is helpful to hear.