Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

Dear MC,
You know what else? You were playful today. I mean, sure, you've joked around some in the past few months, but this felt more like old MC, just being goofy at times. I really hope you're doing better, though I'm aware it might not last (T had warned me that there would be setbacks in your grief). Your smiles and laughter seemed genuine. Glad I was able to contribute to that, even just a tiny bit.
Love,
LT

jDNA T - What the heck is going on over there? Get your butt in gear and respond already. It's one thing to try to establish a boundary, it's another to leave your client hanging. Elio's T

Dear Dr. S, Thank you for thinking of me when you had the chance to borrow the old Monday room. I appreciate it and the timing of it. And thank you for the easier/lighter session. It's been a rough few weeks and I think we needed the bonding time. with love, me

Where are my pics of your trip you said that you'd share. Did you forget me? I know I'm a patient but you were the one to say you would send them. I didn't ask.

T,

I'm not mad, but slightly disappointed that you didn't bring in the literature that you mentioned last week. I hope you remember it soon. I'll be too embarrassed to admit how much I want to see it.

How authentic are you with me, and how much is the positive regard BS? Do you think I'm the positive things you see in me? Resilient and smart? Because you probably don't realize how much those specific traits are important to me. Or maybe you do, which is why you say them.

I know why I care about your approval as much as I do, and I hate it. I hate that I care what you specifically think.

I hate you, but I also love you.

Daisy

Dear T, I still don't know how I'm going to face you Wednesday. Or if I even should. Left to my own devices, my mind catastrophizes and comes up with all kinds of scenarios as to what might be going on with you. I can't stand it. I guess I have to just calm the heck down and wait until Wednesday and to hear whatever you have to say. If you even let me come. Maybe you'll change your mind after my email from Saturday night and tell me not to come. But I want to talk to you. I hate that the person I go to for comfort is the same person that I am worried about. Like you said, I need to grow up. And comfort myself. And let you take care of you because I am not in your life. I am just your job. It is not my place to worry and care and want to take care of you. I'm sending you healing energy tonight anyway.

I'm having a meltdown, I think? What do I do? The kids won't be home tonight which is a good thing. But what do IIII do? Call you? Nobody else to call....oh yeah my friend calls me to unload tonight, of all nights....I can't deal with it....

You never told me what to do when you were not available? Is that how all therapists are? Never offering a back up? Forget 911 that is no help to me.

why are you abandoning me

i'm sorry JDNA Were you hoping to get a session today? It is weird he hasn't responded, esp since you left a VM too.

It's not weird.. He hates me.. I'm too much.. I burned him out im too crazy and hopeles. This is his way of getting rid of me.. He's never not responded to my request for an extra session... He said he's here... For what it's worth
What a load of crap.. I can't believe I trusted him

I wish I never met him
I feel retraumatized

What a waste of time

Don't you need
don't you want
Can't you taste it when you're alone
Don't you cry
don't you feel
sometimes I wonder if you are real
don't you bleed
don't you need

You will NEVER know my pain T

I feel desperately clingy to you right now. I know I see you tomorrow so I won't contact you or anything but I feel like I need to contact you here because I miss you and need you lots right now.

Thx thx thx thx for getting what I was trying to say... thx thx thx

This is the least awful I have felt since Friday's bombshell. Perhaps the initial shock is wearing off.

T, tomorrow feels so far away. I want to see you but i am scared of what you might tell me at the same time.

I stopped my meds. Should I tell you? I don't want you to be disappointed. I'm scared.
I broke a promise to you.
Will you hate me? I know you will.

I know i should quit. You're tired of me. I don't deserve you. I hate myself too.
Love you,
me

I wish I hadn't pushed. I wish I hadn't seen what you're (not) capable of.

I will write thank you here.. But I ain't gonna text it to you

Thank you for giving me reassurance...
Me..

I can't stop thinking about you t

I have an urge to text you and say I love you

Borderline much???

-your most annoying client ever

T,

thanks for holding my feelings today.
And for keeping your promise from our beginnings.
cr

Dear T,

I thought today that you were proud of me. From the things you said and the way you were. You said you were emotional, was that pride or love or happiness or all of it maybe? I wish you would say it. I want you to be proud of me, and I am glad that we are now getting to the stage where I can kind of sense that from you.

Thank you for not pushing on that bit of work we were looming at. It is too hard. You might be tight that we might be looming at it from the wrong angle, but I didn't want to try a different angle today so thank you for getting that without me having to say it. What I did do was good enough for me, for now. The other bit is, as you say, too hard at the moment.

I don't know what to make of what you said about most people finding the feeling and express of worry, in a situation like that, normal, but that it isn't for me. It isn't. I was genuinely surprised to hear that from the other person. You said that things that are ordinary for other people just seem so alien to me, or something like that. I get that I am not most people and I am not normal when it comes to these things, and I am glad that you notice now how weird this world is to me, but it also stung just a tiny bit that you recognised that I wasn't normal.

I do filter myself, a huge, huge amount. I can certainly try to notice the initial thoughts and try to practice sharing them but I think it will take a lot of work. I don't even realise that I am doing it half the time. I would love to be freer with my thoughts, impulsive maybe, but I also know that my reserved nature is there to protect me. I know I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect. To say the right thing. To do the best. To be as accommodating as possible, etc etc etc. I wish I could be free of myself sometimes and just live.

I am so pleased that I managed to get through to you what I wanted to at the end. You make me laugh, the way you misinterpret what I want or what I am saying. You just try so hard, yet sometimes you are so far off that it is funny. I wish I could say something but I don't always, for lots of reasons. I like the spontaneity it brings. I like seeing where it will take us. I like you being actively involved in that way. I like interacting with you. I enjoyed looking at that thing today, but I am also glad that I managed to tell you what I actually meant.

The other side of the room just seems so far away that it is off limits. Remember when I first started I was scared to even pick up a pen from the caddy? Well now I know that it is OK, that I can rummage and sort and pick up and put back and use and drop and, well, anything really. I feel safe doing that.

Maybe I can get to the same stage with all of the things in the room? Maybe I will get to the stage where it feels OK, safe, to play and use and get and try and reject and, well, everything, all those other bits and pieces and toys and books and stuff. I need your help. I need you to hold my hand. I want you to hold my hand. I did a good thing writing that on the board today, as a sign for me to show you what I want. I think that it will help.

I don't want to feel like the other side of the room is off limits anymore. I think we will play on Friday. I know what I said I wanted to do but I think we need to play too. I wanted to today but we ran out of time, and that's OK, because we were doing good.

You really do give the best hugs in the world and I love you very much. You are my amazing, kind, wonderful, loving, caring, giving, compassionate, funny and patient therapist and I am so glad that I found you.

THANK YOU for texting me earlier. I needed that. To 'hear' you sounding like you again.