Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

Oops, i had written a whole response, than read the last sentence If you do want to bounce this around with a more "objective" person, let me know. I don't think you have to worry as much as you are, but that's just me

You're not responding are you? OK, I get it...
--LT

sorry velcro, LT. i hope i didn't sound rude saying i didn't want responses. i just wanted to dump it out of my head and not think about it anymore, y'know? i'll find out or i won't find out what's going on with her on Wednesday.

We've talked about my mom. Married at 16y/o to my dad when he was 21. I don't know how or why she dropped out of school. She never graduated high school.

Innocent, yet, she was smart. I could have never passed the real estate boards (to receive her real estate license.) I could have never been a department head of non-foods at Marsh Grocery and Hughes.

She was hard working, never sought nor caused drama, kept family business inside the family, loyal. Home immaculate. Very likable. Neat, delicate but was never afraid of tackling hard work. Loved dogs and horses. She was a farm girl.

Versatile: not many people can say, "My mom could ride a cow." Mine could.

You would have liked my mom.

We have also talked about how she didn't protect me, really, from my brother, my teachers, the neighborhood or my dad. Some of that was due to her "innocence." She didn't know how to do it any better. It wasn't because she was mean or did not care. She was a good person.

Her last few years were stressful. I wanted her to have whatever she wanted.
She didn't want a breathing tube. She didn't want a nursing home. She wanted me. I tried really hard. I really did.

Regardless of everything else- I tried, and failed somewhat, to protect my mother.....who didn't always protect me.

Hi T,

Sooo... I looked through my insurance papers and found out that my mom made some form of "insurance for complementary-medicine" for me years ago. They'd pay for that breathing therapy thing...
I'm not sure though. The thought that someone might end up touching my body (even if it's just to help me breath) is damn scary. And maybe I don't want to "feel my body"?!? But then I don't want the recurrent feeling to suffocate either...
After going home I remembered that
That wasn't serious though. Should I tell you?

I was at the movies yesterday, watching a childrens movie. The boy in the movie was around 7 years old. He was happy and so lighthearted. I tried to remember that feeling but I couldnt' find it. I must have experienced that childishness, so why can't I remember it? I hate my memory

You've appeared off the past few weeks. Not sure if that is me pushing you away or you not being 100% there. You said that if I don't stop laughing you'll get mad at me. Now I'm worrying that I'm actually to much. Sorry T. Really. I'm trying. There's stuff I still haven't told you that happened during the holidays and I really want to tell you because it's confusing and I can't stop it, but it feels impossible right now

See you...

@prec: You did everything you could. That's not failing, in my opinion

art T,

now this is a classic... I can't remember ever having sent a text to the wrong person. Now last night I sent you a txt that wasn't intended for you but for my niece. TWICE! AAAARGH. Seems like my subconscious took over.

So I sent you another one apologizing for the mistake and to make clear that those were not intended for you. Because that wasn't that obvious even though they were pretty innocuous. But I'm totally embarrassed. And I feel really bad for intruding on your weekend in this way...

Sorry. c_r

T,
I miss you. I feel so vulnerable right now. I need you. I want to crawl into your arms and you just rock me back and forth. I feel so childish. I've never seen you as a mother-figure, but I sure do feel like a child right now. I'm hurting. My heart is breaking. I cry for you at night. It's only been a few days. How will I survive the month? A few more days and I'll write you an email. I so hope you respond well. I desperately need reassurance! I need to hear from you; know you're there. Ugh, this is so hard. Well, I'm off to cry myself asleep again. I love you!

Dear t, I hate you right now because you are leaving for a month. You didn't tell me where you are going, old t always told me even though, I never asked her. I want to know but I don't want to know because it hurts when I know. A month is a long time but I will survive. I will miss you and I wish I had told you that instead of being angry

I wish I could say I love you before leaving you

"Pre, Thank you so much for sharing the pictures and your words. Your Mom sounds like a person who had many many lovely qualities, but she could not protect you. Perhaps she wasn't protected when she was young. The bad things that happened don't erase or negate the good, and the good things that happened don't erase or negate the bad. Life is full of both. Both are worthy of attention....the bad and the good.

Let's talk more abut her and your feelings, a natural mixture of hurt and sadness, respect and happy memories, I think.

I hope your day is quiet and peaceful. You are in my thoughts,
T"

hi t. i hope it's ok i sent the poem to you last night.

im sorry im hurting you and everyone else

really.

me

Dear MC,
Sorry for the text. Just don't want to be sitting there tomorrow wondering if you read the e-mail and were going to bring it up. I just feel bad about how I worded some things. I know, you'll say I don't have to worry about your feelings, but of course I will anyway!
Please respond to either that or the e-mail, even if it's like a 2-word reply. I meant to do better with that, I really did. Maybe I need to start a chapter of ETA: E-mailing T Anonymous...
Love
LT

I'm so pleased you can and will see me tomorrow. I love you.

My anxiety is off the charts today as well as my headaches. I hope to hear from you mid week. Sooner is good too. But I'm not interrupting your motorcycle trip even though you left the door open to contact you. How weird that my boundaries are stricter than yours?

do you HATE ME YET

T (normal, not art),

WTF is going on at the moment? I know you would say that I'm getting more and more in touch with my feelings and that you think this is good. But if having feeling feels like the chaos I've had over the last week, I know why I've been suppressing them for most of my life... Can I please go back to robot mode? And will you help me along the way... in fact: Will you let me go back?

I'm glad I did call you last week after all and that you did manage to find a time slot when I can come in in my lunch break. To make up for the session we're not having this monday. Stupid holiday, even though I like the fact that I don't have to go to work on Monday.

Just to warn you: it might get interesting. I'm still angry at you after last week. Will you let me be angry? Will I allow myself to be angry? Just a little? I'm feeling very raw and very young. And you know that when i'm feeling young you shouldn't argue with me. And you shouldn't throw logic into the mix. I don't get logic when I'm feeling like this. That doesn't turn out well. Ever. I just hope that you'll remember....

apprehensive and worried,
c_r

Dear MC,
Thanks for texting back. So I assume from what you said you just hadn't read the email yet. Which makes me feel better. Was afraid you were bothered by the email. Or trying to enforce your suggestion to not email but to type it up and read it in session. Hope you'll respond tonight like you said.
Love you,
LT

This week is a long one.

T,

I didn't think about you much today, and not because I was wildly busy. I think now that the secret is out, that I don't feel as entrapped by the transference. I don't feel shame about it, because you...did the right thing. You were understanding and empathetic.

I really do love you, you know. I don't love you because you're filling a void, but because I have hope that I can fill up the void on my own. And you won't be able to take me through the entire journey, though I wish you could. But I'm starting now.

I hope you're thinking of good referrals for me.

Daisy

PS, you wore the ugly shirt again. You should let me destroy it along with the Gestalt chair.

ugh how will i leave you alone until wednesday? remember how i said i don't like suspense so sometimes when i'm reading a book i'll skip and read the end to make sure it's worth reading? well i feel that kind of suspense right now i wish i had a magic book that i could read the end of to find out how my session is going to end up on wednesday. that is if i don't talk myself out of going. i've blown this whole thing completely out of proportion in my mind as per usual. ugh again. but you know what if i take a breath and think about it i trust you and our relationship enough to show up wednesday even though part of me doesn't want to. unless you text me to cancel because of my emails then i won't show up. and i won't blame you if you need to do that because something is definitely going on with you and i want you to take care of yourself.

Dear T,

For the first real time you didnt respond this week. I get it, an I know you must be busy but I need you. I need the reassurance. It can be a one liner but please.

Dear Dr. S, just over 22 hours to go. I bought the basketball hoop, I hope we can play tomorrow. I want to go buy the trains. I don't want to spend the whole session playing though. Too much going on. And I'm ashamed of the trains, I want them. I love you. -me

Dear CW,

Tomorrow I hope you don't go off again on how "strange" it is that (in your words) three seasoned professionals (2, 3, Smaug) suddenly started behaving unethically. Okay, it's strange. We've established that. Now can we talk about its effect on me?

Ta-ta,
ATAT

Dear MC,
Seriously, do you sleep anymore? Because, OK, midnight isn't that late, but then that one response recently at 1, and then last night you replied at 2 a.m.? I appreciate you keeping your word from the text about responding, and it was a good response. But please get some rest. Maybe it's hard for you to sleep alone now? So you end up staying up? Or maybe you wake up in the middle of the night and can't fall back to sleep (like I often do). Maybe work helps take your mind off of things. But still, please take care of yourself...
Love,
LT