Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

I know it's only one day later to wait to talk to you about the nasty black stuff... I didn't think I could feel positive about nasty black stuff , but I do.

Dear babbet (no reference except to my T):

I don't know where we're going. Our session ended badly and I was hurt. You reminded me when you were going to be gone, but didn't say 'goodby' or 'have a good week'. I want a do-over.

T,

First of all, I want to give you a name. I need to ponder what your name will be. Because your real name begins with a T, and I've almost posted with your real name cause auto correct. I don't want to do that to you.

Also, I hope that you remember to bring in the literature that you said you would last week. I'd never dare to remind you, but I'll be upset if you don't.

Daisy

PS, please don't hospitalize me tomorrow.

Thank you for offering to see​ me on Monday (especially considering it's a bank holiday). That is awesome and means a lot to me I'm sure you know. I then said I still want to see you Wednesday so now you see me twice as much. Thank you i think you know that I need you.

T, i already want to cancel next week. I want to talk about this, but at the same time i don't know what to say to you and am a little afraid that you don't want me to come again so soon. Or at all. I'm catastrophising again, aren't i. I hope you are ok. And i hope we are ok.

Briefly. I will see him on Monday and Wednesday next week which i hope will be good extra support

Glad you'll get to see him twice next week. Hang in there. And PM me if you want

Dear MC,
In some ways, I'm maybe a little nervous about your reaction to my e-mail (especially if it's silence, but I understand why you might choose not to respond). But I think I just needed to send it. I was really weepy beforehand this morning, and then like as soon as I sent it, I was OK. And I initially said all stuff about how you probably assume I'm e-mailing you for reassurance, but I also e-mail you for the following reasons. But then it was like, that's not really what I want/need to say. So I hope what I said was OK and not too personal or too weird or anything. And I hope it makes you feel better, and not worse...or intruded upon. I meant it as a positive thing, ultimately.
Love you,
LT
PS--I know it's the weekend, but that seems to be one of your main times of responding. So if you could say something back before Monday, even though I didn't ask for it, that would be great. But even if you don't, I still think I'll feel OK about sending that. (Might confirm Monday in session that you got it though!)

Whoops this wasn't the couch.

i've done that before haha

hi t. i've been doing a lot of thinking about you/us tonight. you know how we were talking the other day about using my thinking (inferior) function on purpose instead of as an escape or whatever. well i'm doing that tonight. very purposefully.

Dr S - fair warning, I'm starting to feel ill but I am not running a fever. It doesn't matter if I can get vertical on Monday I am coming in so I hope you are up on your vit C. Too much going on in my head to push out. I will start chugging my vit C hopefully to cut it off before it takes hold. - love me

Dear T,

So, I went for a nap and I woke up 10 hours later. Guess I needed that sleep then!! Missed dinner and music practice and cleaning out my hamster. Well, I missed everything, but I guess my body knew what it needed. Now it is 4am and I am awake and have been considering a walk past your house. Don't think I will though. Maybe a drive to see the sunrise? Or back to bed. Maybe back to bed!! I wanted to write that I love you in that email. I did write it, but I deleted it again and wrote what I did instead. Did you have any guesses at what I had written? Curious.

I don't want to ruminate so much, and when I feel connected I tend to less. There was so much more that I could have said, but I didn't want to overload the email. Do you know that I don't want responses to the content, so much as I just want you to know this stuff, and that I want to hear nice things from you?

Anyway. Yeah, I love you for catching me.

hurry up and wait

T,

LISTEN to me. I know I just have painful memories and perhaps they don't qualify as trauma memories. I don't believe they're trauma memories, and you've never told me if you believe they're trauma memories or not.

They're still painful memories I try hard to avoid.

And you want to trigger me in session, so we can process those memories WITH you, you say. But I only see you once a month, T.

And T, while you let me message you outside of sessions, you won't reply, T. That will not help me. There is no WITH you outside of session.

And T, one brief phone call at the two week mark between sessions if I need you, that's not enough support, T. I can't break down sobbing. Not when I have to wait at least half an hour to reach an operator on the hospital hotline, then ask them to transfer me to the psych clinic line, then beg the person to leave a message for you to call me back. Then you call me back later while I'm still working, and I have to stand in an echoing corridor where anyone upstairs or downstairs or in the corridor can hear my words. Because i can hear phone conversations from the corridor above or below.

It's not and I know it, T. T, you want to open these pain full boxes and leave me alone to cope. I see you only once a month, T. I'd have to clean up the mess myself, T.

I can't do this.

ETA: oh T, of course I know you don't care. You're enjoying your weekend lol, while I'm curled up in bed crying and messaging.

art T,

thanks for getting back to me and thanks for not "making" me come in for another group session. I wouldn't be able to survive it.

As painful as this is, overall it feels better to have made a decision. Although I feel like I have failed you. After all - when we talked about this transition beforehand - you said something like "I expect you to do ok with this group..."

So, it's saying good-bye now and moving on. We will have to find a day for me to come in and pick up my pictures. Although, if I'm honest I don't want those in my home at the moment. The ones that are important to me are already at home anyway. But I'd like to say good-bye to you in person.

Will you give me a farewell hug? Please?

feeling incredibly small and lost,
c_r

T,

Holy s...I just had the weirdest dream about you. It wasn't a dream. It was a nightmare.

And I'm seeing you in 5 hours. Great.

Dear R,

Feeling too much at once. I know there's no resolution to this as such, but the fact that I cannot seem to intervene when the thoughts come in is dragging me down. People around me I thought I could trust are showing their limits. I know it's been a year...but the situation lasted eight. It's hard to work out which bits are still alive, and which bits have faded with time, the way this should. I'm trying to logic my way out of having to feel this, and I know it's not going to work.

Roll on Tuesday

I'm going to stop my meds. I know, I promised you... But they don't help. They make me feel worse. Let's see

Please be sure to taper down, not stop them cold turkey. Just because withdrawal from some can be really bad.

Yeah I know...
But I missed my meds once and I felt great. So I'm thinking of stopping them

Hi T.

I spoke to some people at my band. I have been there for over two years and have never spoken as much as I did today. It felt ok. No. It felt good! Might tell you!

I hope you can help me, T. I feel completely broken.

"and I think it's gonna hurt me, for a long, long time."

Hi t. I am still feeling very sad about the things you said the other day. I'm not sure I'm even going to want to face you on Wednesday. I will probably drive there anyway because I feel like I 'should' and y'know I can see myself doing this - stopping at the top of your road and texting you that I'm a minute and a half away but don't know what to say to you and feeling afraid that you don't want me there after all. If that's true that you don't then please cancel. I don't want to come there and feel unwelcome. that would be so crushing. T I am at the lowest point that I've been at in a very long time. Maybe I'm already crushed. At least I'm not crying anymore. I'm just sad. Sad about what you said, sad that I really don't know you at all, sad that you probably don't want me there, sad that I want to be there. Sad that I still love you. Maybe this was meant to happen and there's nothing we can do to change it. (I don't want responses to this. I just needed to write it out somewhere that it won't get lost.)