Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

Dear T,
Sorry for sending multiple e-mails. I know you said at one point that annoyed you--but maybe it was just when they got progressively longer? Because these were both quite short (by my standards, anyway!) Just thought I'd save you the reading through that long article and quote you the especially relevant parts. Because that really does sound like me, right? Is it possible that everything (well, most) comes back to the OCD? The MI that I wanted to avoid discussing or accepting I had beyond the contamination stuff...?

Oh, and I totally forgot to wear the underpants today because I just pulled mine out of the clean laundry. Maybe tomorrow? We'll see...
Love,
LT

Hey t, thank you so much for this evening. Please don't feel like you failed in your job because I picked up on something going on with you. You're HUMAN - not a therapist robot. Besides, you've said before that it could happen because of the nature of this relationship and remember, I have been working to develop my intuitive abilities lately too. So it really does just makes sense that I might 'feel' something going on with you. It helped a lot, so much, talking about it. I'm not consumed with worry for you anymore. Oh t, I just, well, I feel so much. Sometimes it's hard. But I do not want to change that part of me. It makes me who I am. I'm glad we talked about all of this tonight. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Take care of you. And thanks for the hug. love, me

eta: oh and thank you for laughing with me about the "Carlos" dream. omg that was so funny, the look on your face! I am sure I turned about 90 shades of red when I read it to you but when you laughed - it took all my embarrassment away and I started laughing too. And then when we got over our laughing fit, we did some good work with it.

Art...I feel like I should permanently quote this response from you, because I KNEW in my heart that this session would go well, and you were so worried about it! Your T is a good person, and I hope you always trust that.

Right? I don't know why I always do that to myself.

I feel better today, typical! Maybe I should have asked you if you had anything open today instead. Ah well, at least we know what a phone session feels like now. And I feel quite okay today. I wonder how long this positivity will last.

Hi T,

I'm feeling kind of weird being on both Seroquel XR and Rexulti. I mean, I'm feeling good. Not depressed one bit. I just feel strange. I started Rexulti last night.

I'm afraid I'm going to vomit when I go off Seroquel XR. I almost vomited last time... and I had panic attacks, cold sweats, dizziness, and no coordination. It looks like I might have to cancel our appointment because I fear I will be too sick.

Knowing that you're on vacation right now makes me want to talk to you that much more...Why do we want something more when we know we can't have it?? I wish we still had our regularly scheduled session tomorrow, I want to talk about my email to you.

Anyway, I hope you're having a good time. You deserve a break from dealing with me so please enjoy your time off!

See you soon

I can feel myself 'growing up' in this process. I can sense that I am being nurtured and cared for and taught and that I am being given what I never had. A parental figure. An attachmebt figure. I am learning what secure attachment is all about. We are doing this together.

I am not sure whether you realised when we stated that we would be doing this so implicitly. I know I stated this what what I needed but your responses in the early days lead me to believe that you weren't planning on this, to this extent. But I think that you have seen it work for me, seen me grow, seen me becoming me and realised that it is working. It is helping.

See how I no longer bring you as many gifts. See how I no longer need to leave my pebble with you. See how I no longer need to leave Mr Bramble in your room. I know I can and will still do these things if I want to but I don't need to anymore.

See how I can just go ahead and say that I need a hug. See that I can trust that you will reply to my emails. See how I can bring things with me easier now. See how I even forgot to wear my coat the other day.

These are all huge, huge things. I asked you this week whether you were still there, but not because I thought you weren't. I asked you because I felt safe asking you, because I knew what the answer would be.

Believe me when I say that we still have a long way to go. Don't undermine that, please. We still have plenty to do, to experience, to talk about, to share. I still have plenty of work to do, things to show you, topics to bring up.

But we are getting there, I can feel it now. I still don't want to let you go because that kid inside still needs you, still wants you and what you offer her.

I wonder whether I will ever get to a point where that little girl is me, is integrated and cared for and loved by me to such an extent that she doesn't need you anymore. I wonder if, at that point, I will ever say to you "T, as an adult to an adult, and because of this relationship that we have developed together, I don't want to just walk away from you. I love you."

I still love you

Hi T,

I realized again how great you're at your job... I'm glad the "normal" you is back. Still. This weeks topic feels like a huge can of worms and I really hope you know what you're doing. It doesn't feel forced or anything, just scary... And it keeps bringing up my vacation thing( which I still haven't managed to tell you. I think you're suspecting it though. Can't you just ask?)

Oh and I know what that question about my brother was aiming for... please stop that. My brother has never ever done anything that hurt me, neither conscious nor unconscious.

Dear No. 3,

So I'm giving a paper in Montreal this summer. And the conference is being held in a part of campus three blocks from your office. The thought of accidentally running into you after last fall is upsetting me, a surprising amount. Like, I now want to cancel my paper.

ATAT

T-

My text stating what it did about my BIL.. yay, a response would be nice. Sometimes I don't understand your thinking..

You went too far and now I'm paying for it..

Ugh T, I didn't want to cancel our appointment, but I don't want to give you my germs. I'm going to miss you.

It should not be this hard to go two weeks without therapy but I'm going crazy...I. hate. this.

Please respond to my email when you get back from your vacation...I need some sort of connection before next Friday.

I work in a court. It IS intimidating because it's designed to be serious and solemn and blah.

Judges are pretty privileged people but they still need to eat and drink and use the bathroom. Would it help to know many struggle with tech stuff that regular people find easy? I recently worked with a Chief Justice who needed her assistant to help her with a really basic Skype thing.

And magistrates are really small judges. They look so solemn and formal in that black wool robe but it's a really warm robe hehe.

Please don't ask me how I am, because, honestly, I haven't got a clue.

Everything we discussed on the phone I feel like I need to discuss with you again to make sure you get it. I had no idea how critical non-verbal communication was to our relationship. I have this really uncertain feeling like "what if he doesn't understand anything I said?" which I never normally have. You must communicate your understanding non-verbally and I wasn't even aware of it.

Well, I was definitely right to believe that I am filled with germs, so I'm glad that I canceled. But come on, T. This is so unlike me! I've never canceled, never even asked to reschedule. I'm always happy to meet you earlier when you ask.

So why didn't you ask me why I had to cancel? The rational part of my brain figures that you didn't ask because boundaries and I would have told you if I wanted you to know or something. But the irrational, child with paternal transference wants to throw a tantrum because you obviously don't care about me. I'm sick and I want you to know, care, and feel bad for me.

Yours,
5 year old Daisy

Dear T,

Thank you for the shoulder. Thank you for noticing, I think, and for holding on tight. Thank you for the work we have done getting to this stage. At least this time you didn't presume that I had fallen asleep. Honestly, if I ever do write a book about all of this then that is definitely going I there and you will be named and shamed!! I was trying to cry, not sleep!!!

Anyway, thanks. For being there for me, for thinking of me, for being proud of me, for listening and understanding and seeing how this all is for me. It is so incredibly confusing sometimes.

I get that there are layers and I also get that this person may not be on the level that I want. Not yet, anyway. At this moment in time I don't think that anyone ever will be, and that is what made me sad.

I was pleased you got new pens, and that you thought of me to get them! I wasn't entirely sure that I wanted to leave mine there for other people to use. (Only because the kids might ruin them) It's OK to be selfish like that, isn't it?

I am glad that I got all of that out and that I have left a lot of it there with you. I know you can hold it for me. I trust you can hold it for me while I just let things be. I texted this person, just on the surface stuff. If she doesn't want me to go deep then that's fine, but she can't have it half and half. Stubborn? Yes. Spiteful? Probably. But it is what I need to do right now. I need to hold on to myself and I can't do that if I give things away here and there. I can hold on and give it all away or hold on and give nothing away but not in the middle. Not now. Not yet. If she wants to not rush then that's fine. Well, OK, no it isn't fine, but it is acceptable, she just has no idea what my version of slow looks like. Haha.

Thanks for being you. I love you.

T...I didn't tell you everything Wednesday. Also, having trouble processing session. Ick! ~~DD

Dear Dr. S,
I'm lost in my head again. It went from everyone at the dinner table talking at once to no one at the dinner table and a shell of me wandering the world. No one is at the controls. No one want to be me? I don't know. It's lonely and empty in there. I have that big presentation next Thursday, I hope the passion me shows up before then. Right now I wish I was in the rain forest able to sit and watch the greenery and hear the water hit the roof and be alone in relative silence.
I hope you have a good weekend trip.
love,
me

I'm near ur practice getting new tires on my car... Hiiiii

I remember last time i was here and I was texting with you.. I said that it smelt like weed in here and you wanted to know where I was

Oh lord T I miss it... But it's for the best huh? Yes... It is..