Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

Oh T. Where was my head at when I sent you that email??? I am not sure why I am uncomfortable reading that back to myself. Maybe it is because I can hear some anger in there and I am really, really not used to hearing that from myself. I might need those bean bags sooner than I thought!!

Please receive it well. I am scared about this and I am not normally scared after I send you emails. I know that the anger wasn't directed at you, and you will probably be glad, if anything, to hear me actually voicing (or wording) my anger/frustration at the people that it belongs to, rather than shoving it all inside me, but I am still scared.

Hoping that you can hear me T.

Dear dear dearest T
So we cancelled our appointment today... I miss you. You rock. Please forgive me

Dear M

There were a few days over the weekend where you didn't exist anymore. I couldn't remember your face or your voice, and I pulled up your picture hoping I'd feel something but instead was like "huh, who's this S.O.B.?"

I'm back to my regular old attachment and I'm glad. There are times when remembering you is the only thing that gets me through the day.

I was tired at my gig this weekend and in my exhaustion agreed to share a host family next week with the guy you said I have bad boundaries with. He keeps pushing me and I don't like him but it's hard for me to say no. And I do need a place to stay, and it would be better for us to be able to share a ride there so I don't have to drive myself, and he keeps referring me for jobs that I need so I want to be nice.... but I'm scared and I feel sick. He asked me to go hiking before the concert on Friday and I agreed to that too! Because I've been dying to go hiking for months! Just not with him!

I'm angry with me. I hope you aren't angry with me. I want to talk it over with you but I'm scared, because the first time I brought up this guy was the session that you said that horrible, awful thing.

Thank you for responding to my email last night I really appreciate it since I know you're on vacation right now. I'm counting down the days until next Friday!

I wrote an email out to you and decided not to send it. There was nothing there that really needed to be said urgently. I just miss you, that's all. And I want to reach out to you...

I did the same thing. Still debating on sending as I have 3-4 hours before she takes off for a weekend away.

Nothing urgent in mine either.

Dear R,

I stood up for myself today...learning to exercise my boundaries. L wanted to know how our most recent session went, and I said I didn't want to go into it. (Couldn't think of a tactful way out of it otherwise - we were talking about her, after all.)

I'm feeling anxious about our next session on Thursday. 'I'm searching for a painless way to do this [express my emotions], and I don't think there is one.' Turning to face it is going to be excruciating, I know. Please keep me safe, but don't let me run away, OK?

Thank you for proving that I can trust you.

I'm bursting with things I want to say to you, but I have no words. I wish you could hold me.

Hi t, well so much for my attachment to you lessening awhile back. It's full-on again. Sigh i suppose i must simply accept it for what it is, eh? Thanks for letting me talk about it over and over ad nauseum. Love, me

Dear MC,
Assuming I can make it the next 2 days (no guarantee), I've managed to not e-mail you this week! That doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about you or wanting to e-mail--it just didn't have the same urgency/need as it did the past few weeks.

Though, I did send T a few e-mails, so it's not like I didn't e-mail either of you...but at least you had a little break!

Oh, and you were in my dream last night with a much younger woman playing your wife (who looked nothing like your wife based on her FB and obit photos). I think H and I were moving into a room in your house. And you were showing us which pictures were available to hang on the walls. I'm sure *that's* a really tough one to interpret! Though not sure about the part with your wife, who was giving us a tour and was wearing a bathing suit, I think. I won't tell you about that in real life though. Might mention about the moving into your house thing, just leave out that part...

Love,
LT

Hi Dr S, did you miss me - the email me? By time I submit this post you will be officially off for the weekend and headed out to who knows where, other than somewhere there are no cell towers. There is no point in emailing you now cuz I won't get a reply until Monday the earliest. Thank you for telling me you would be gone. I think this was a good decision based on how things are and where things are right now in this journey. I love you and miss you. I hope you have a nice weekend. Be safe, me

...and oh yeah t? 15 thinks you're awesomesauce.

T,

I'm not sure why, but when I want to talk to you, I don't journal anymore. I pull out my phone and get on Tapatalk. Something about yelling into the ether where I can be heard...just not by you.

I have been thinking about what my love for you means. Because my love for you isn't purely paternal. That would be fairly easy to assess. My relationship with my father is simple in its complex nature.

But what I feel for you, T, is more than that. I also view you to an extent as a mentor, which probably doesn't seem odd to you at all. After all, your career started where I am now. It's one of the things that drew me to you. I knew I'd be able to discuss school with you in a way where I didn't have to waste time explaining everything. Though, as an aside, I cringed when you used the word "educable" in session a while ago. All students can learn. It just goes to show how much education in America has changed in the last 30 years.

But I digress. I think that there's a part of me that wants to BE you. I could see myself sitting in the chair instead of the couch. So I want to learn as much about you and your craft as I can do that if I do decide to pursue psychotherapy later on, I can pass down what I've learned.

I'll miss you tomorrow. You won't miss me, but that's OK. I'll survive.

Daisy

T, that was a crappy, crappy, crappy session. I'm miserable now.

T!

Ugh. I texted S today, because last night was weird in the feelings department with going to the meeting/scrimmage.

Anyway...I noticed that when I got all "deep" with my feelings, she'd basically ignore it...so I asked her point blank "am I annoying?"

Long story short, she can't handle my negativity--and that is the THING i fear most that people will find me toxic. It is true.

I wrote an email to her, but haven't sent, which in the morning I am sure I will be grateful for.

I hate myself, T.

How can you ever change that?

t, is it weird that i hope i dream about you tonite? i haven't dreamed about you in a long time. i know i just saw you a couple evenings ago but i miss you already. i'm glad i'm coming again next week. that will make 4 weeks in a row. my h is going to have a cow when he realizes it. but i want to go back to every 2 weeks anyway because this weekly stuff has me waaaaay too attached to you again. ugh.

T,

I just realized- I don't need you. I'm doing fine. I am fine. I am feeling fine and there's nothing wrong with me.
Why do I take up so much of your time? Just because I enjoy talking with you, I guess.

I think I should quit?!?

Love, me

I just want it to be wednesday already. I miss you terribly this week.

You are capable of doing serious damage. What I don't get is, why would you want to?

T,
Sometimes I really wish I knew what you are thinking. Or what you think of me. I know it shouldn't matter, but I can't help it. All we talk about is changing my thinking, but sometimes I wish we'd talk about other things.

I have something I think I want to talk about this week. I've been thinking about bringing it up for the last few weeks, but not sure how you'll respond. Really I just want to hear your take on it but I doubt you'll give that to me. I honestly don't know how I feel about it and I don't know if it's something you have experience with. And I guess I'm afraid you might dismiss it as a possibility.

I think I want to talk about it but I don't know if I will.

The weird thing is, I asked them to stop, I pleaded with them to stop and they refused. Now they are asking for mercy from me. Can you believe that?
After I pleaded and was ignored.

Dear M,

When I see you and tell you all the **** that went down this week, I have a strong suspicion you'll say that there must have been a part who WANTED to miss that rehearsal.

You can say this, and I know you like to, but if you do, I want you to know-- I'm going to tell you that there are several parts of me who want to punch you in the teeth.

Dear MC,
Is it weird that I'm sorta jealous that H ran into you (guess you're working today) while out with D? Even though all you did was nod hello at each other? While at the same time, I would have avoided going to that location when you might have been in the office because I would have been afraid of running into you, especially if you were meeting a client there?

And is it really pathetic that I'm like, "Oh good, he still exists" regarding you? And that just knowing that makes me feel better? (Wasn't someone on here just talking about object permanence...)

Hope we see you Monday,
Love,
LT

T,
I'm hurting. I'm desperate. I'm in pain.
Will it ever get better?

cr

t, i did not dream of you last night. instead, i dreamed of walking through a field and finding big giant lemons that had been cut in half and when I picked one up, it was so very fresh, and the lemon juice smelled sweet, and I could not understand why cut lemons were strewn about the field, nor could I understand how they could be so fresh laying there cut open.

Also, you know how the other evening you were talking about that stuff you don't do? Well mostly I am glad that you don't. But there's this niggling little part of me that I've discovered since that wonders what if you did - would I not be so attached to you right now? Might I even be done with therapy already and moving on with my life?!

I am not sure I want to know the answer to these questions.