Dear T: I need to tell you something....Part XXIV

Daddddyyyyyyyy

Dear T,
What JunkDNA said.

Dear MC,
See Echos and JD above.
LT

t, i wish you still worked on Saturdays. love, me

Missing you Dr. S, I love you... little boy wants to show mommy his trains, he's so happy to have them.

Trembling like a leaf when i read back on my posts here tonight. I obviously need to talk to you about my mother's skull fracture and what happened after.

I miss you. Or maybe I'm just so alone and of course you can't and won't change that.
I'm just angry that I have to wait so much to meet again. I really need to talk to you. Also about the sui stuff, but I'm afraid...It's like you're shrugging it off when I'm hinting about it.

Bet your gonna drop a bomb on me or something... Because I feel excited to see you tomorrow... my magical thinking tells me that is BAD

A letter to old t I'll never send:

Hi old t,

Thank you for the glass figurines you gave me, it was a nice gesture. I almost got rid of the largest one today. You see, I had a garage sale and put out the figurine but no one bought it. I don't really want this figurine and I left you and found a better therapist (no offense, but you had some quirks) but I feel bad parting with it. Of all your quirks, I feel like you didn't fully approve of my non-straight sexual orientation because of your personal religious beliefs and I'm happy to have found a t who more accepts me for who I am. I'm pretty sure you believe in gay conversion therapy if gays choose to seek it and while you said you'd never try to convert me I'm just uncomfortable with the whole thing. Writing this makes me want to smash that figurine, but I'd rather find someone else to enjoy it then to have have to clean up a hundred million glass particles and have them end up in a landfill.

hey t, what are we doing?

Sorry for triggering you. I didn't even know that was possible.

Hi, you there? Why can one bad interaction bring me down and leave me feeling like *****? Ok maybe not that bad but I do want to cry now. Poke touch want. Me

Dear T,
I don't feel safe anymore.

I believe I'm not the only one... But how can I find others?
You're very kind, careful etc, but you're from here, from this reality, so you can't understand me.

I miss you. Do you hate me? Don't hate me...

Love,
me

Feels like I wrote this

Dear PrevT,

I read your email response:
"Maybe think about why you went...only to please her?"
as
Maybe think about why you went....only to her please

Like, only email T why you think you went to the session... And don't email me this emotional stuff.

My heart jumped in my throat. I was already saying to myself, "I just knew it, I'm too much! I share too much, I ask for too much..."

Then I read it two more times.

T,
I really am going to struggle when you are away. I know I am distant on the surface of things. But underneath it all I want to be safe, and to speak about these things that haunt me.
When we went to schedule our next apt last week and you looked at your diary and said "Next week is looking pretty hectic..." I really wish I hadn't made it easy for you by saying "Oh, I'll just come the week after then."
I was taking care of you instead of me. I should have been taking care of me.
So now I see you in two weeks, then you go away for three weeks, then you come back for a month or two, and then you go on maternity leave and we have to terminate.
Typical me, shooting myself in the foot.
It all seems a bit pointless now.

Dear t, you have done nothing wrong, it's just that my heart is longing for ex t. You are not her that's what hurts

T,
I'm trying so hard to be strong. I want to see this transition through. But I don't know if I can. Life is getting too hard. I'm really struggling. I try my best everyday to distract myself, but then night comes around and everything hits me. I'm being triggered so much. I'm having memories of my mom neglecting me, being homeless, of lossing people from my childhood to cancer, etc. I'm feeling a lot of loss. I feel like a failure at life. I can't get pregnant, I'm not married, I didn't finish college, I don't have a job, I have no friends, and am just an overall failure! I need you so much right now. I don't want to ask for help. I want to be strong and make you proud of me. But I don't think I can do this anymore.

i think i've learned by now that i can talk about anything there - so i'm going to just ask.

I hate that I met you. You make me appreciate life. I love you and I hate it. I have to live this life, because you're in it. I hope you're immortal.

Dear R,

Four more sleeps until our most significant session yet. For goodness' sake, don't let me balk, don't let me run away. The only way I'm going to excrete this is to talk about it properly, and to be honest, you're the only person I can do that with right now. I've become painfully aware of that over the last fortnight. I'm trying to be kind to myself, but half the time I don't know how. We have a shared responsibility to keep me safe, and I need to know that I'm going to be able to walk away from the session, but not end up beating myself up (figuratively) for what I didn't manage to say or do. (Both of those are possible...and we both know that.)

See you Thursday

Dear T,

I am thinking about you. Needing you? Needing your consistency I think. Life has changed for a couple of days and I need your solidness right now. To know that it exists. We worked hard for me to be able to recognise the solidness, so I am just checking on it.

Me

Dear Dr. S, I love you, miss you, want you. Sigh, tomorrow. I get to see you tomorrow. Waiting is hard work. - me

Love you.