[Demunie]

Welcome to the couch, old and new! A place to hang out - sometimes you get immediate feedback, sometimes you don't.

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Shouting, "Cool Whip" tends to bring others out from between the cushions if you're feeling lonely.

This is a chatty thread. All are welcome. We're kind of psychologically oriented, sometimes. We try to be supportive. At times we discuss what that means.

It’s a place to plop down on the couch when you come home from work or wherever, or wake up in the middle of the night, or check in at lunch, rant a bit or not, and be among friends.

We advise you not to drink or drug and text your therapist ("t") - we speak from experience...

Sometimes the thread moves fast and you might get overlooked; sometimes it moves slowly and all you hear are crickets. Sometimes you get hugged or thanked pages later. So if it's a bigger question, you might want to start a new thread.

Navajo Rabbit = Gah!

Grab a cushion and make yourselves comfy!
Couch 139

[Demunie]

Morning couchies,

Hope it's ok that I made a new one...

For some reason, your couch title makes me chuckle!

[LostOnTheTrail]

Morning, Demunie....nicely done!

I can't remember the last time I woke up and felt like I'd slept. Weird state to be in. Mind you, this persistent sense of disconnection from my body is bugging me most. They're my hands, I should know what they're doing...but pottery, playing guitar...none of it feels connected to me at the moment.

[Demunie]

Originally Posted by LostOnTheTrail

Morning, Demunie....nicely done!

I can't remember the last time I woke up and felt like I'd slept. Weird state to be in. Mind you, this persistent sense of disconnection from my body is bugging me most. They're my hands, I should know what they're doing...but pottery, playing guitar...none of it feels connected to me at the moment.

Awful state to be in... I hope it gets better soon... Do you know what triggered that sense of disconnection?

[LostOnTheTrail]

Originally Posted by Demunie

Awful state to be in... I hope it gets better soon... Do you know what triggered that sense of disconnection?

Not sure. It seems to happen when I get too far into my head...and that's happening quite a bit at the moment. Luckily, I'll see R next Thursday. Will probably mention it, although our focus for the session was to be somewhat different.

Save

[Demunie]

Damn... I forgot to hand in an assignment. I did everything and I could have sworn I handed it in, but apparently I didn't. How can I be that stupid?

Originally Posted by Demunie

Damn... I forgot to hand in an assignment. I did everything and I could have sworn I handed it in, but apparently I didn't. How can I be that stupid?

You're not stupid. It slipped your mind and you forgot. Probably because you've stuff going on. It's OK and normal to forget important stuff sometimes.

Can you still hand it in late? When I did night classes, I'd set alarms before and during the day it was due because otherwise I would forget. I labelled the alarms on my phone too, because I would forget the purpose of the alarm. And I only had one or two assignments at any one time.

What my younger brother and friends tell me about university and grad school sounds like a nightmare with my task management skills.

[healed84]

Good Morning... it's Friday, no T today, major fundraiser at kid's school today, that I'm in charge of.. hoping it goes smoothly!

[captgut]

Couldn't bring myself to do any work today.
But I almost survived this day, that's enough

[Demunie]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

You're not stupid. It slipped your mind and you forgot. Probably because you've stuff going on. It's OK and normal to forget important stuff sometimes.

Can you still hand it in late? When I did night classes, I'd set alarms before and during the day it was due because otherwise I would forget. I labelled the alarms on my phone too, because I would forget the purpose of the alarm. And I only had one or two assignments at any one time.

What my younger brother and friends tell me about university and grad school sounds like a nightmare with my task management skills.

I can but probably won't get points for it. Maybe I could argue that I had problems because of MI, haha.
I know that it's sometimes normal to hand in stuff late... I find it concerning that I could have sworn that I handed it in. Just another case of my stupid memory, thinking that I actually did something that I just thought of doing. And T wonders why I don't trust my memory...

Originally Posted by Demunie

I can but probably won't get points for it. Maybe I could argue that I had problems because of MI, haha.
I know that it's sometimes normal to hand in stuff late... I find it concerning that I could have sworn that I handed it in. Just another case of my stupid memory, thinking that I actually did something that I just thought of doing. And T wonders why I don't trust my memory...

If the university has accommodations for MI, I'd encourage you to try to get them. Studying is hard enough without mental health issues making things harder.

I don't trust my memory either and I regularly forget work tasks which I think "I'll do it later, after I finish XYZ." Today I forgot a task which I'm supposed to do monthly, until I was reminded by a colleague. I was so certain I had completed it too.

[Demunie]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

If the university has accommodations for MI, I'd encourage you to try to get them. Studying is hard enough without mental health issues making things harder.

I don't trust my memory either and I regularly forget work tasks which I think "I'll do it later, after I finish XYZ." Today I forgot a task which I'm supposed to do monthly, until I was reminded by a colleague. I was so certain I had completed it too.

They have but I don't want them, there's nothing they can actually do. It's just me being unreliable. In addition there's no one that actually knows about my problems. I wouldn't wanna explain that to anyone

Sorry you're struggeling with this too...

You're not abusive btw!

[StressedMess]

Hey, new couch snuck in when I wasn't looking!

Originally Posted by Demunie

They have but I don't want them, there's nothing they can actually do. It's just me being unreliable. In addition there's no one that actually knows about my problems. I wouldn't wanna explain that to anyone

Sorry you're struggeling with this too...

You're not abusive btw!

Hugs. Good point about not wanting school to know about your problems. I don't think mental health issues should be considered shameful, but wider society and particular environments can be horribly stigmatizing.

One thing T has told me and which I've gradually learned is that berating myself won't prevent mistakes because no human can be perfect.

We space out, get busy, drift off and forget things.

I did tell T I'm abusive because well...partner problems. :/ Partner said I treat him like an emotional punching bag and my fear is I'm just like my mother and am indeed abusive despite not shouting, no name calling, no cruel sarcasm, no intentional meanness.

[Demunie]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

Hugs. Good point about not wanting school to know about your problems. I don't think mental health issues should be considered shameful, but wider society and particular environments can be horribly stigmatizing.

One thing T has told me and which I've gradually learned is that berating myself won't prevent mistakes because no human can be perfect.

We space out, get busy, drift off and forget things.

I did tell T I'm abusive because well...partner problems. :/ Partner said I treat him like an emotional punching bag and my fear is I'm just like my mother and am indeed abusive despite not shouting, no name calling, no cruel sarcasm, no intentional meanness.

I agree... people at my university aren't exactly the most understanding ones. Most people would score high for social awkwardness, but definitely not for being supportive

Your T is right...

Might I ask why your partner says that? Or maybe, does he feel abused by what you do? You don't have to answer of course.

@healed: good luck!
@captgut: well done on surviving!

Originally Posted by Demunie

I agree... people at my university aren't exactly the most understanding ones. Most people would score high for social awkwardness, but definitely not for being supportive

Your T is right...

Might I ask why your partner says that? Or maybe, does he feel abused by what you do? You don't have to answer of course.

@healed: good luck!
@captgut: well done on surviving!

My partner said I treat him like an emotional punching bag because when I'm triggered slightly without a clear cause, I'll be moody and withdrawn , then I'll grumble about small things.

(not my usual self, I present as and generally optimistic despite how lousy I might actually feel because I've learned that I'm liked better that way)

He'll get impatient and start trying to get me to identify the trigger when I often can't, and he gets irritated by my pointless grumbles over work or family.

Then he'll explode at me and say I'm treating him like an emotional punching bag with my "whining" and gets angry at me withdrawn. I really try to not snark at him and usually close off even further when he blows up. After he's done swearing at me and raging verbally, he'll apologise.

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by healed84

Good Morning... it's Friday, no T today, major fundraiser at kid's school today, that I'm in charge of.. hoping it goes smoothly!

I hope it goes off without any major hitches

[Demunie]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

My partner said I treat him like an emotional punching bag because when I'm triggered slightly without a clear cause, I'll be moody and withdrawn , then I'll grumble about small things.

(not my usual self, I present as and generally optimistic despite how lousy I might actually feel because I've learned that I'm liked better that way)

He'll get impatient and start trying to get me to identify the trigger when I often can't, and he gets irritated by my pointless grumbles over work or family.

Then he'll explode at me and say I'm treating him like an emotional punching bag with my "whining" and gets angry at me withdrawn. I really try to not snark at him and usually close off even further when he blows up. After he's done swearing at me and raging verbally, he'll apologise.

Hugs... I do that to. BF often gets angry because I can't explain what's going on and the more he asks, the more I withdraw. We had multiple arguments over that (well, he being angry and shouting, me being silent and dissociating)... I often feel guilty because I hurt him with my behavior. I'm even sure that he'd be better off without me.

I do dare to say that that's not abusive. Partners may blow up because they worry and feel helpless, not because you "damage" them. Your partner isn't your child... they're adults themselves and can defend themselves. As Lts MC always seems to say, anger is ok. Your partner expresses that something isn't right, probably that he's worrying. In my opinion, abuse has something to do with power differences... that's simply not given here... you're hurting and vulnerable, your not in a position if power.
I agree that it may not be great for your partner though... I have no tips for that sadly

Yay new couch! Morning, couchies! So I don't know how to respond to a friend on facebook. She'd changed her profile pic to be a pic of some beautiful (on the outside) model or something, saying bad things about herself how she is ugly or something. Several of her friends me included commented that we see HER as beautiful, her smile lights up her face, she's warm and caring and seriously all I see when I look at her is a beautiful woman. She responded to us that she found it funny that only people who are married said those things (she is single/divorced) that it is about looks only. I feel so sad for her and I want to say something but I don't know what to say... especially since I too struggle with self-esteem issues and call myself fat and stupid all the time. Not as much as I used to before therapy, but I still do it too much. This self esteem thing, getting it back when it's been lost, is really hard huh...

Originally Posted by Demunie

Hugs... I do that to. BF often gets angry because I can't explain what's going on and the more he asks, the more I withdraw. We had multiple arguments over that (well, he being angry and shouting, me being silent and dissociating)... I often feel guilty because I hurt him with my behavior. I'm even sure that he'd be better off without me.

I do dare to say that that's not abusive. Partners may blow up because they worry and feel helpless, not because you "damage" them. Your partner isn't your child... they're adults themselves and can defend themselves. As Lts MC always seems to say, anger is ok. Your partner expresses that something isn't right, probably that he's worrying. In my opinion, abuse has something to do with power differences... that's simply not given here... you're hurting and vulnerable, your not in a position if power.
I agree that it may not be great for your partner though... I have no tips for that sadly

So many things I wanna say before my thoughts become too tangled.

Yesss, damn I'm sorry your BF and you argue due to this too!

I often don't know how to explain, and he'll keep asking and asking and asking and saying my small XYZ work issue isn't the real trigger.

I get more and more withdrawn...because it gets clear he's more and more frustrated with the reasons I offer. He starts saying I'm BSing, x isn't the real trigger, wants me to "spit it out".

He feels worried, stressed, helpless and then he bloooowwws up...

Every time he says I treat him like an emotional punching bag with my "whining"(yeah he'll say I'm whining then I withdraw more), I get scared and also worried but angry because he's saying I'm a whiner. So I apologise...and if I apologise wrong, he barks that he hates it when I sound like a "broken slave" grovelling... Then I freak even more.... He gets mad at me when he realises I'm scared of him.

Honestly your BF yelling while you're dissociating sounds horrible for you. Yelling will NOT keep you grounded.

Me I go emotionally numb and have SH urges if I feel I can't calm him.

[Demunie]

Originally Posted by QuietMind

So many things I wanna say before my thoughts become too tangled.

Yesss, damn I'm sorry your BF and you argue due to this too!

I often don't know how to explain, and he'll keep asking and asking and asking and saying my small XYZ work issue isn't the real trigger.

I get more and more withdrawn...because it gets clear he's more and more frustrated with the reasons I offer. He starts saying I'm BSing, x isn't the real trigger, wants me to "spit it out".

He feels worried, stressed, helpless and then he bloooowwws up...

Every time he says I treat him like an emotional punching bag with my "whining"(yeah he'll say I'm whining then I withdraw more), I get scared and also worried but angry because he's saying I'm a whiner. So I apologise...and if I apologise wrong, he barks that he hates it when I sound like a "broken slave" grovelling... Then I freak even more.... He gets mad at me when he realises I'm scared of him.

Neither will yelling help your SH urges or your ability to feel emotions. I think that's something that's very hard to understand if you haven't experienced it yourself. Like, BF often gets angry about my trust issues / issues with touch. He thinks I just do those things because I don't trust him enough or because I want him to get mad. He doesn't get that somethings are just completly impossible for me (not gonna spam the board with examples ^^ )

My BF often complains that I look/walk around like a slapped dog after an argument. People blowing up is damn scary.

It feels wrong for me that he calls you a whiner and invalidates your triggers... Also that he gets angrier when you apologize "wrong". Could you try explaining your view of this in a calm minute, when you're both not in a withdrawn/animated/angry state?

[LonesomeTonight]

See, these are cases where I disagree with MC's "Anger is OK" stance (I'd tell him he's been quoted on the couch, but he seems anti-PC, or at least against me going here.) Yes, in theory, any feeling or emotion is OK. But when, why, or how it's expressed isn't necessarily OK.

It sounds like for both of you, your SO's get upset because you're feeling bad and can't explain what's wrong. I've experienced that on occasion with my H--and H has reacted that way to our daughter, too (if she's upset and can't say why). I assume some of that comes from frustration, because they care about us and want to help but don't know how. But I know for me, if I'm feeling anxious or depressed, someone yelling at me certainly doesn't help. Like H used to seem angry at me when I had a panic attack. So then, in addition to trying to control the panic, I'd also be apologizing to him, which would often make him more annoyed. It's taken a few discussions in marriage counseling, but I think he finally understands what will and won't help me in those times. Though he still sometimes seems irritated...

Do you think it would help to tell your partners what would help you when you're feeling that way? If you haven't already, that is.

Originally Posted by Demunie

Neither will yelling help your SH urges or your ability to feel emotions. I think that's something that's very hard to understand if you haven't experienced it yourself. Like, BF often gets angry about my trust issues / issues with touch. He thinks I just do those things because I don't trust him enough or because I want him to get mad. He doesn't get that somethings are just completly impossible for me (not gonna spam the board with examples ^^ )

My BF often complains that I look/walk around like a slapped dog after an argument (if I'm still able to walk around, lol.). People blowing up is damn scary.

It feels wrong for me that he calls you a whiner and invalidates your triggers... Also that he gets angrier when you apologize "wrong". Could you try explaining your view of this in a calm minute, when you're both not in a withdrawn/animated/angry state?

Oh god yes, yelling at me over Skype or over text (since we're LDR) doesn't help me. It fuels my trust problems because I get scared he'll do it face to face, especially after I move to Scandinavia and Iose all my independence in my home country.

And he gets mad when he realises again and again that yeah I don't fully trust him. He gets angry that I think he'll snap and that he isn't safe. He feels hurt.

I suspect maybe something similar goes on with you and your BF, sorry if I'm protecting. Your statements "BF often gets angry about my trust issues / issues with touch. He thinks I just do those things because I don't trust him enough or because I want him to get mad. He doesn't get that somethings are just completly impossible for me" especially.

Because yeah total trust is IMPOSSIBLE for me and my partner keeps saying he's not my parents. T keeps saying she isn't my parents too but that doesn't reassure me because hey, I think ANYONE can snap and blow up and hurt me, no matter how safe they've been.

Honestly, people blowing up are scary and I'm not surprised you're fearful, probably because I've that same cowering reflex the moment I detect anger in others.

I've talked to him tons when we're both calm and he always apologises but then he does feel hurt that I'm mistrustful even after 11 years. Because i dont trust him, because he knows I perceive him as being able to snap, he says it hurts that I think he's a monster. Partly due to his own personal issues like his mother accusing him of being like his bio dad who abused them.

But it's not really him, I mistrust everyone, including T. And before he and me worked hard on our relationship, he used to call me a lot of hurtful names.

Much later Edit to remove a line