Couch 141: The Inversional Hexachordal Combinatorial Couch

I'm certainly not one to ask if an e-mail is too long or rambly! I'm the queen of rambling e-mails. I think it sounds good.

I just cleaned my whole house like a manic crazy person. Perks of being mentally ill

I enjoy this perk also

I know I'm slipping into a more depressed groove when I start letting the dishes pile up

It looks like a good email, Luc!

Also +1 in your pocket, DNA.

Today my brain decided that it wants to be depressed and overly critical. Time to go numb. Ugh.

(((Daisy))) shut up Daisy's brain!

Thinking about the differences in how my sisters and I dealt with our abuse situation.

I went nuts by the time I was 12 and cut off all contact.

My middle sister got into drugs via an ex but is still in regular contact with everyone.

The youngest became a born-again christian and has a good relationship with the parents.

And we never talk to each other about parents or what happened.

((Daisy)) brains can be extremely miss behaved. We should start a "how to be a good brain"- class for our brains...

@dna: I'm in, good luck!

@lucozi: sounds perfectly fine, I think

I would love to become a good-brained person

For some reason the old law school "egg shell headed plaintiff" is going through my head. https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/eggshell_skull_rule
http://www.columbiaforensic.com/eggshell-law.html
At 4th of july -it is the lighted squib case.
I love lawyer talk.

And I think something just disappeared. Wasted cleverness or cleverness tossed into the universe? Half full or half empty? We may never know.

I want a good brain too. But alas, mine got scrambled.

I wanted to be a lawyer when I grew up. Once I got to high school, I thought that I wouldn't be smart enough to get through law school. Curse my scrambled brain.

Luc - good email. It's the stuff on your mind, which makes it good. send it away.

jDNA, I'm in if there's still room.

OK, so D and H are both off today for Memorial Day. We have marriage counselor at 2, and H's mom is watching D while we're there (and for a bit after). I had asked H last night if he was taking D anywhere (in the hopes that I could get some work done--I work from home and have two things due tomorrow), and he said he wasn't planning on it. I was like, "Uh, OK," since I know he's been doing some other stuff with her this weekend (though one was taking her to the child care thing at the gym so he could work out, then they did pool together).

D has been super clingy with me for much of today (wanting to be on my lap, etc.) since she got up at 6:30, though she's been up with him or in her room for part of the time. H had talked about wanting a hair cut, and i mentioned how D seems like she needs one now, too. He asked if she wanted one today, and she eventually said yes. I figured H was OK with it. But then when they were leaving a few minutes ago, I told H I appreciated him taking her out, and that if he wasn't feeling up to it, then he didn't have to go. He said, in a rather cold voice, "I'm taking her, OK? I don't want to talk about it." I said he sounded angry at me, and he was just like, "I'm taking her. That's all." I said I was sorry and he just seemed irritated. Incidentally, it's only an hour earlier than he would have had to leave to take her to his mom's anyway (MC is right up the street from his mom's--and we generally drive separately there).

So now I suspect I'm going to be in for it in MC's office, with H complaining about having to watch her for a chunk of the weekend--we went out with friends Sat. night, and his dad/stepmom watch her then. And I had brunch with some (female) friends yesterday--which is the sort of thing H encourages me to do, get out of the house and see people more!--so that's why he had her out a few hours then. Then the three of us (me, H, D) were out together for dinner yesterday. And I've been the one getting up when D gets up, which is 6:30 or so lately--and I am NOT a morning person!--while H can chill in bed (though he'll often be awake) for another couple hours. So it's not like I'm not making big contributions.

It's just, I'm already nervous about marriage counseling today because of the conversation with MC at end of session yesterday. Now I'm afraid H is going to lay into me. And then it's likely going to end up again, how H is right, and I need to be working less and taking care of D more and giving him a break (when I do a whole bunch of behind the scenes stuff for her, too). And MC will agree with H and I"ll feel like this needy, pathetic person. So kind of dreading the appointment now...

(Also, if it makes any difference, H will be doing his sport of choice at some point the next two weekends, so I'll be solely responsible for D for like 4 hours or more each of those days. So to me it evens out. But I'm sure he'll just get pissed if I point that out...) Just dreading what he's going to say. Anyone want to hop in my pocket?

Last night i dreamed i was cleaning house. What a freakin waste!

I'll pocket-ride, LT.

Hmm. I know taking care of D has to be stressful for both you and H. Especially days like today when school is out, but your routine is still the same.

Perhaps it's just me, but I would probably be frustrated if I were your H. Between you asking about your Hs plans with D and the haircut, it's pretty obvious that you're trying to get them out of the house. Why not just ask? "I have 2 things due for work tomorrow. Would you be willing to take D out for an hour or two so I can get some work done?"

This is in no way saying that you don't do enough with D or that you should somehow be doing more. Just that the way you and H communicate about what you both need in regards to her care may need to change.

Im also 100% willing to admit that I'm off base here, especially since I don't know the dynamics in your marriage. Regardless, I hope session goes better than what you anticipate.

My T has said something similar. That happiness is a fleeting emotion, and contentment is more what people are looking for. She also says that when people are doing well, they know that no matter what they go through, they know they will be okay, even if it is eventually.
Woohoo! I'll be there.
I agree with Daisy here. It might be better if you just say "I have do have X finished by tomorrow, mind if you take D out a little earlier today, maybe a haircut? Instead of passively sort of suggesting it, and the feeding off his irration and apologizing (which i don't think is probably truly necessary).

Thanks, Daisy (and Velcro, ETA). I did try asking him last night, saying I wanted to get a little work done. And I mentioned that to him today, too, and that if she was just hanging out on her own some (like playing in her room with toys or with one of our phones), then I could get work done then. But she's been pretty clingy with me, like I had trouble even managing to eat breakfast (just cereal with strawberries).

I'm wondering if he's feeling run down (I know he's usually sore after the gym), but if that's the case, he needs to TELL ME. And then I'd have just said I'd make do. (Can you tell we have communication problems???)

TMI alert: Doesn't help that a certain time of the month started last night, and I have pretty bad cramps, plus for some reason (hormones I assume), I'm super sleepy the first two days of it. So I was wiped last night and went to sleep when D did (like 9:30), when I'd intended to do work after she went to bed. He was up till like midnight, based on an e-mail he sent me.

I feel like I'm just whining here...and I did send H a text asking him to please let me know if he is angry/annoyed (or if he's not), just so I know what to expect going into MC. I suspect he'll be pissed at the text, even though MC in session will often say if I'm worried he's mad at me, to just ask him point blank (and of course "anger is OK!"TM MC). Even though that tends to annoy H (and he'll even say in session that it would be annoying for me to ask, but then MC will say it's OK for him to be annoyed at me). And I did try to ask him before he left, but he refused to answer (which to me means he's annoyed...)

Yeah that is hard. I don't have much advice bc I am single and never been married. All of that seems super frustrating.

LT - given your "daddy issues" , do you think you might be feeling a kind of sibling rivalry towards H when you guys deal with MC? Like, a worry MC loves H better than you?

(I'm just wondering aloud here.)

My H and I do this as well. He'll be feeling something, I'll ask what's bothering him. He'll say it's nothing or that he doesn't want to talk about it, which I take to mean that he's frustrated with me. I'll ask if he's angry/frustrated, to which he'll usually reply, "no, but if you keep asking I will be."

I didn't grow up in a household that modeled healthy confrontation, so I'm frightened of any confrontation now.

On the plus side, it's nice that you're seeing MC today so that you guys can navigate this incident together in a safe place.

Hm, that's interesting. I'm an only child, so not used to dealing with sibling stuff. But...that seems to make sense. It's not even so much "loves him better than me" but more of a taking sides thing.

I have a couple of ideas (which may or may not be useful - I am not saying they are the answer)
1. Husband's being annoyed is his problem. If he does not tell you when you ask, then what good does it to worry about it. He has made a choice - let him deal with it.

2. I can't tell if you directly said "I have to work - you have to take care of D and get her out of the house" if you didn't - then perhaps that directness might help (it would help me -if someone said "I have to get some work done today" I would not then go to that meaning "And because I am working you have to do X" - my natural response would be "okay do some work then" and then I would go off and do my own thing)

3. D is, even with her disabilities as described, in my opinion (for what it is worth) capable of being told - mom is working so you have to sit and play quietly for an hour. Set her up in the room next to you or her room or in the room with you - but with the direction that she cannot get in your lap or talk to you for X (reasonable) amount of time. I don't think parents have to be interacting with their children all the time - even if child is being whiny or clingy (something like - a hug and a kiss but mom has to eat her breakfast so you have to sit in your own chair right now)

Agreed with all of SD's points

ALso:I may have cancelled therapy today 90% bc I didn't want to shower.

My parents NEVER fought (at least not in front of me), so the few times they expressed anger at me were really scary. I had no model of confrontation at all, so I tend to be a conflict avoider. Really, both H and I were for the most part *both* conflict-avoidant, until we had our daughter. And it can be annoying if MC is just like "it's OK for someone to be angry with you," or "You got through it, you handled it" if H and I have a fight. Because, yeah, OK, but there's still probably some issue there (communication or otherwise) behind the fight. And it's not helpful when MC says that (I did go off on MC about that recently, the "you handled it" thing, so he hasn't really done that part since!)