Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

Hey so I don't get it. You pretty much only talk to me if I'm in front of ur face. I'm basically dead weight any other time. Or is it all the time?

I know you know I care about you a lot. And I think you do too. Not sure. But I often wonder if you feel stuck with me. Trapped because you know my intensity and what I might do if you left. But honestly T if that is the case I'd rather know now abrubtly and painfully rather than a long drawn out joke of a life

Maybe a t is like a sherpa. Thats what your post brings to my mind.

Helping clients scale Everest? I like the analogy.

To whichever one of you it might concern,

I am not good at this whole grieving the end of a marriage/therapist relationship.

Mainly because I have zero idea how to grieve in general. I mean, whatever/whoever is dead/gone/over/no longer there and there is nothing to be done about it, so what's the point?

ATAT

Yeah, taking you to new heights, etc. But you each have your own lives.

I love the analogy.

RoboT,
So I went and bought a Fitbit yesterday. I've wanted one for like, 3 years but couldn't afford it. Anyway, I was standing at the display trying to figure out which model I wanted and I saw the one that has "guided breathing" exercises and I thought of you.

I miss your dumb face and your ugly shirts and the Evil Chair. I know that none of what I feel is actually about you. I can't say that I don't know you, because I'm learning about you in bits and pieces. But this is about my mother who abandoned me not once, but twice. And I'm so upset that you're doing the same thing.

You took vacation the one month I wasn't going to be able to cope, and you're throwing me out in December because I'm a plebeian who has to rely on insurance to afford help.

You're abandoning me not once, but twice. Damn you.

Daisy

T, that new one is not going to work out. We won't be seeing her.
I didn't consider this possibility. I just assumed... it would all work out.
What now? I suppose we just end when you end.
Crap.
I think I am in a state of shock.

Hey t. I'm feeling sad this morning. Thinking I should cancel Wednesday and call it done. I know I started this so I shouldn't be feeling this, but I guess it's just my grief at leaving you unfolding. I'm not going to cancel. I'm going to come and talk through it. And talk about what the last few sessions will look like. I'm determined to see this all the way through. I know this current sad will pass, probably by this afternoon.....

...and t it already has. funny how this is working. i just went and swam laps for an hour and talked to you in my head a little bit while I was swimming. And thinking about how h and I have plans with friends to go to 2 different concerts this month. And I have my drumming group, I may go over there this evening actually. I've got a good group of friends who love me and it's time that I let them! And my first psychology class starts in August! My life has been so inward-directed during this therapy journey. And it's time to go out now and live in my outer world!! I'll still visit my inner world of course, I'm not giving up the dream work or the journeying no way! They've become a part of who I am. But my focus is changing and it's outward and toward the future now, instead of inward and looking at the past. I'm happy and thankful and so very grateful for the profoundly healing relationship that ours has been. You rock, t.

Dear MC,
I miss you. Hope to see you as scheduled on Monday (and glad you're foregoing a 4-day weekend to come in). Hoping just being in your presence will help calm some of my anxiety, as it often does, even if we don't talk about the actual topic.
Love you,
LT

God you people have a bigger racket going than weather people

Dear BT.

I can't get the things you said out of my head. I really thought you cared about me but obviously you were doing what you thought you "should" do. I'm having trouble recovering from the rejection.

Dear t,

I'm not okay, at least I haven't been for these past three days.

RoboT, you would be so proud of me. H brought up the conversation from a couple of weeks ago in regards to my attitude (where he called me a foul name). So of course the self critical me kicks into overdrive. I was super upset at both H and me, but instead of continuing to instigate the argument, I stepped away and practiced the breathing technique we discussed for a few minutes. I'm not 100% okay now or anything, but I don't feel entirely hijacked by the emotions either.

I wish I could share this with you. I'll forget by the time you get back. But I know you'd be smiling and telling me good job.

4 weeks to go...

Daisy

Dear Dr. S,

Today has been a rougher day. I wish you could hold me and let me feel safe. I know it is just a day. I love you. I miss the safety and love I can feel when I am with you.

Love,
me

Dear C,

I'm glad you liked photos of the Pride event on the hashtag on instagram. I know you've LGBTQ friends, I know you believe we should have equal rights, I know you answered that you do accept me when I asked you "do you accept me even when I cannot accept myself?". Somehow you liking those photos is evidence to me that you do believe in equality.

You can't understand me because your job is to treat me.
You can't agree that I'm an alien, or that this world is just an illusion. Because you're a doctor.
That hurts.
Love you anyway

T,
i'm getting fat again
hope you're happy
annie

'...This is an 8 out of 10.'

I don't know whether you noticed, but as I was saying that on Thursday, I found myself reaching for your hand. The things that we are bringing out into the open now are things that have never been dealt with properly. I'm worried about how long this is going to take, even though I gave the impression that I was confident it wouldn't take that long for me to get to where I need to.

My perception of time is skewed at the moment, so when you said you were taking three weeks off in August, I forgot we're already in July. That means we have three weeks to get this poisonous stuff out into the open, and I am going to have to more than double down on self-care whilst you're away.

I get frustrated when I'm repeating myself. I feel like you know most of what I'm saying already, and yet I can't just blurt this new stuff out.

What will happen today?

RoboT,

Don't you see? This is why I feel abandoned by you. It's only July 2nd and I feel this way. I don't have anyone else. I'm so alone...

I tried to adult today, but I think I'll just go back to bed now. Better that than something more destructive.

I...help me, please.

Hmm yea.. That happened

Dear T,

Overall, I think you handled our little rupture pretty well. I am however, stuck on one thing from our session. You admitted to letting me down and contributing to making me feel abandoned. However, you never once said I am sorry. You did talk a lot about limitations, how there are limitations to your job and this relationship.. So do you think that because of those limitations you didn't do anything wrong in this whole situation? It's just simply a part of the whole limitations? Am I wrong to think that I should expect some kind of apology? I am so afraid I can't get past this.

Dear L, sooooo not ready for you to be gone Aug though Sept. But like you said, it's good practice for when you move away next year, I guess.

Dear M, not ready for you to be gone Aug either.

And I miss both of you. Hi.

so depressed. wishing i had met you another way and never gone to therapy. i dont wanna say goodbye someday. so not fair