Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

Ok Dr. S, what is wrong with me. Now I don't want to see you tomorrow. Ughhhhhhh -me

T,

You tell me to avoid politics but it's everywhere. Also I'd rather not since I don't want to live in a bubble.

Uhm, so, things have changed...I just think about you a lot and feel close to you...In a way it's better now...otherwise I don't know.
I know this is so typical...but how will this end?
I don't want to lose you.

Dear T.

I'm feeling weird and confused and abandoned at the same time . I worry that if I won't lie on your couch bed like ure other patients then you won't like me anymore. I hope you never find this.

I think you're afraid of my feelings. I realise now that this is an impression that I've had again and again and again, and yet I haven't spoken to you about it.

I realise all or some of it might well be projection. And that would make sense - it's familiar to me. Most people are afraid of the intensity of my feelings. The loving ones and the hateful ones. I include myself in that. My feelings are scary.

But you tell me I'm holding back, I'm afraid of expressing myself, and it's as if you're trying to bring me out of that, but then... later... you tell me not to push myself. It feels like a contradiction. When you told me not to push myself too far... I didn't feel that you were saying it for my benefit. I felt that you were saying it to protect yourself.

Dear t

Why.......

I don't have the words to describe the harm you did to me and continue to do

BT

I can't get out of my head what you said about how dealing with the email argument was "3 wasted hours of your life you can never get back "
Part of me wonders if at least Id feel better if I sent you payment for your hourly rate x 3.
Those words are just burning a hole in me.
But i also feel like you don't deserve it.
And i feel like contacting you in any way can only turn out badly for you.
I wish you'd been able to be kinder

Sorry what a jerk! Forget about sending him 3 times the hourly rate: he should give you some extra sessions to solve the unnecessary pain he caused you with that comment.

i love you
i LOVE you
i love YOU!

now go away.

Just came here to post "I love you, you stupid bastard" and then saw JD's post. Hah.

Hi T,

I really need a good session tomorrow. Please have your crap together (and enough coffee before my appointment!)

I don't want to spend another day crying in bed because I feel like a huge mess.

Another thread here got me thinking - maybe you're trying to get angry at you and to express it?

Blarghs. I completely adore you. I hate that you care and seem to be ok with the way I am. Would be easier if you just threw me out. I mean. Some people could use therapy way more than I do. I'm coping. You should care for someone who can't.

Why is this so confusing?

I don't want to go. I want to hide. It feels wrong, just wrong. I shouldn't be there, I don't belong there. It is not home. It is not safe.

There you go.

9 days down, 25 to go...

I hope you have fun tomorrow. Your 4th plans sounded really cool.

I miss you.

PrevT,

It's just not fair. I went to this practise because I wanted to keep you as a T. And then you had to go on leave and come back after 5 months. You've been back for 10 months now and I'm still with the T I had to go see when you went on leave. Though most of these 10 months I've been in group therapy, which doesn't really help me so I'm quitting that.
Other idiots can see you every week and I can't. It's not fair and I ****ing hate you! If I'd known this I would have never changed to this ****ing practise.

I'm sorry BB. wth kind of statement is that for a t to make???! So hurtful and so wrong. That t needs to be in therapy.

Dear MC,
I hope that e-mail was OK. I'm sorry for bringing up stuff about your wife. But I think I had to tell you that I was avoiding bringing stuff up because of her...And that now I understand why you weren't going to tell us...because of exactly this. I'm sorry I was so hard on you about it 6 months ago...My emotions about your loss was the last thing you needed to be dealing with then...
I love you,
LT

Dear MC,
Also, a couple times during session, I pictured myself sitting on your lap with my head on your shoulder, like a child being comforted by her dad. It helped to imagine that.
Love,
LT

Oh, T. Why on earth would you sound sincere when you said it was good to see me, when all I did today was LITERALLY hide. The entire hour. I don't know how I can ever not hate myself.

T. Um. I probably should have but I didn't. Oh well. See you Wednesday.

I didn't want to hurt your feelings so I didn't tell you what I really think of your script. You'll never be a writer because you have no heart, no empathy, no genuine love for anything or anyone. Sorry.

Good thing I didn't actually tell you.

Dear CW,

Why haven't I fired you yet?

ATAT

T. You don't know.

T,

Thx for putting up with me. I know I'm not easy. I argue a lot (and I am good at it). So yeah. Thx for not giving up on me

Me

You really did a number on my cousin. If you get her pregnant well.....you can imagine how upset I will be. I'm disgusted with your underhanded bs. Maybe you need a drink instead of taking advantage of innocent people.

I think my mom has dementia. Kashi I need your support because family can't even see what is right in front of us all. I am not strong enough to deal with this. This is beyond my abilities.