Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

Hang in there

Dear Dr S, I want to email you tomorrow at the clinic address just to get one more email from you from that address. Is that too weird, strange? I'm sure you'd say it is ok. I think it is strange. I hope you are not going to be a different person (in a bad way) with moving to private practice. I think I am scared that you will be a different person in some way, that maybe you were behaving in a certain way because the clinic expected it of you and now you won't have those constraints on you. People change on you, they are not always the same and sometimes those changes are for the bad. It seems like usually they are for the bad when it comes to me. Please don't do that to me. - a nervous me

I followed my T from a clinic to private practice. She has changed a bit in the new setting, but I actually like her better this way. Part of the reason she wanted to leave was so that she had the freedom to do therapy based on what her clients need, not what the clinic said she could offer. So there's a possibility that this could be a good thing for you. Transitions are still scary, though.

Dear No. 3,

Darn you for being too good at your job. It's difficult not to measure other therapists against you.

ATAT

i hate you i hate you i hate you

Dear t,

You fail

I'm broken. I'm just fundamentally broken deep inside.

You can't fix me. I can't fix me either.

I'm too broken.

Help I'm so tired

I don't know that you're the best clinician for me anymore. Refer me to someone who does schema therapy when you get back, please.

I can't believe you didn't respond at all.

Dear MC,
I wish I could reach out to you about what's stressing me out right now. It's times like this that I understand why it can be better to not know much about a T's personal life... But out of respect for you and what you've been through, I'm not bringing it up. I mean, possibly, in passing, during session (I could see H mentioning it). But it feels wrong to ask you for support about this. So I won't. I'm sure you'd say I could, that it would be OK, that I shouldn't worry about you. But I do anyway.
Love you,
LT

Two. Bugs. In. Between. My. Mattress. And. Boxspring.

Remember how I told you I have a bug paranoia? Well, THAT. I'm freaking out. I want to shower, but I can't because our water pipes are filled with bleach and chlorine, and we have to wait 24 hours to drain the chemicals out!

Omg. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm having a full-blown panic attack and I can't stop it. Heeeeelp! Klonopin ain't workin!

T,
please please please don't make me go to inpatient. i promise to eat again but please don't make me go
annie

hey t. i'm feeling a variety of things at different times, grieving the end of 'us' sometimes and celebrating our success at others and every feeling in between it seems. last night while i was swimming, i had the pool to myself, so i was talking to you quietly as i swam, and feeling really melancholy, but as i continued swimming laps i started feeling strong again and by the time i got home and got ready for bed i was smiling and happy and knowing it's right. it's so weird. and all day today at work i was fine and didn't even think about you at all. tonite i am, of course. anyway i wonder what's going to unfold when i'm there on wednesday evening? i know you said 'just let it unfold' but i feel like we need to kinda plan a little bit at least. if nothing else, the scheduling. i think i want us to do a sand tray together sooner rather than later actually. i think it will help me if we have time to process it after the fact instead of waiting until the last session. i'm not going to stop letting my feelings come as they will over this, because I certainly do not want to wait until after our last session and then completely fall apart. oh i do not kid myself, i'm going to be a mess at our last session - but i know i'll be fine. we actually are lucky you know. to be able to process the loss of this relationship WITH each other. i don't know what it's like for you. it must be something like a 'normal' mother would feel when it comes time to let her child grow up the rest of the way and move out? i do think you were right last week. i was growing sitting there. at least until i started the temper tantrum thing. you're the best, t. and we've made an amazing team on my behalf haven't we?

Dearest T,
you can't imagine how much i miss you.
Because... You don't exist
I'm almost sure you don't

Ok T,

I think there are 2 ways we can do this...

Hi R,

If the post-session is this hard, that must mean that we're making some kind of progress, yes? I'm a little alarmed by your acknowledgement that the support I have in place at the moment doesn't seem like enough. Perhaps that's residual from working with P, though. I'm still on some level scared that you will reach a point of being unable to help me manage this. I'm safe. I'm safe. I'm safe.

Maybe next week I will get the rest of that sentence out.

Dear t, I am in two minds about our appointment this week! I feel let down and betrayed by your response. I thought you could handle me but it seems you can't just like all of the other ts. I really don't like the no texting rule. I feel as though I am being punished whilst I was reacting to your lack of empathy. I wish you would have owned your part in it

Dear T, how is your Holiday going? I have a bit hard times not to see you weekly, but I guess that is normal. I hope you are well.

,

I'd normally see you tomorrow. I've been fine this week because it's not abnormal to wait a week to talk to you. I'm going to tell myself that the other 4 weeks are also going to be OK. I'm going to try to spend time with friends, read, go on hikes, meditate often. I can do this...

But boy I'm going to miss you.

Everyone deserves a holiday including you, but I'm struggling with not being able to see youl

Dr S,

One day you will forget me, out and out forget me. Please don't let that be today.

- me

Dear T,
i'm sorry I bugged you yesterday. I was trying to not have to have much of an exchage while you are at the conference b/c I don't want to be too much of a pain. I know you said I could text you if I needed, but I still feel really guilty buggin you outside of session.
the last few days have been really triggery & difficult. Flashbacks & intrusive memories are buggin the heck out of me. I had gotten used to them being less of an issue. I'm not sure I really know how to handle them at the moment. The inner kid was triggered too. she really wanted to text you or call, or better yet, be in your office, but... we couldn't think of anythign to text, and she didn't know how to let you know it was her... so i put away the crayons and tried to distract her.
ultimately, I found a way to hurt w/o causing damage, and that helped things. I know we talked about not going there, but it's better than other things. I really feel lost and unable to tolerate everything that's overwhelming at the moment...
I'm impatiently awaiting monday. I really want to talk to you, but I also am afraid I won't be able to express anything. I know you will be gone again the week after for vacation... I really should be reigning all of this in. This is a really tough time of year. always has been. I'm sorry i'm such a pain...

I'm sorry. I was legitimately angry but I expressed it terribly and you didn't deserve that.

You have given up.