Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

I guess it was so powerful for me because I grew up being constantly reminded that I was defective. I dunno but it affected me deeply when t said it. Perhaps this was a good effect from all the maternal transference.....?

You texted me!!
This means you haven't been mauled by bears or however else people have freak accident deaths in the Pacific Northwest.
And you even used emojis. I don't even think my own parents know how to use them.

And sure, it's a text about scheduling (boring) but you remembered me mentioning my birthday. And you were concerned that you hadn't scheduled me.

Now please go back to radio silence so that I can actually process through my transference feelings of rejection and abandonment.

Daisy

ETA: now that I've actually read your text I'm going to try really hard not to get mad. You said you were going to do what you asked me about in text on Saturday. But we're all human and make mistakes or forget things. But oh boy, I would have terminated in a heartbeat.

DM,

I put you and your spouses birthdays on the new calendar I just drew. I put his name down as a code name, because I want to show you what I drew. I don't know why I wanted it on my calendar but it felt safe and kind to put it there.... why am I like this?

EM

Dear Current T --

All signs point to my being a nit-picky arse-hole again today.

Buckle up etc.

- AY

Dear No. 3,

I took up the (not actually therapeutic) challenge you issued to me yesterday.

I am so tempted to give up on it, as I have dozens of times before.

ATAT

Dear T,

You made her stronger today. I'm questioning going back.

Please don't judge me when I show up without shoes... it wasn't my choice.

Don't be mad at me

Even tho I am not trying to do better.

I hope you understood when I said that "I would not have reacted well," I meant that "I would have gone completely f****** bananas and never come back to see you ever again." Because oh my God I can't even fathom how crazy I would have gone had you not had a session time open for me.

Also, I don't think anyone would send "understandably!" in a text unless they're a T. Goodness, RoboT. Glad you're taking a vacation. Just don't get mauled by a bear or something stupid.

Please come back already. I feel like someone's standing on my chest when I think about you. I don't even know where you went. I never ask, and you don't volunteer. I think of stupid things like plane crashes and such. Unlikely, I know. I catastrophise. But what if something did happen to you, and I never even got to properly tell you I love you? This is nuts. I miss you. A lot.

T,
I really want to email you how I am feeling about our upcoming sessions, but after the way you kind of shut down our email back and forth last week I am thinking maybe I will just wait. Here is the thing though, I am feeling all kinds of anxiety about coming. I mean, sure I know why.. I got pissy with you, you gave some BS excuse, and I shot back at you something even more pissy. So, there is that.. I am feeling like a little kid waiting to be disciplined (hello transference).

However, I recognize there is something bigger going on here and I am sure you do as well. I have an appointment with you on Tuesday- where we talked about the needy feelings that I am having, the too much feelings- thus outing my dependence on you. Then you do something, sure it was crappy, and I am still angry about that, but I think it was a convenient way to try to not feel so close to you. Or away to get you to say, ok time to put some distance between the two of us. It's like I am finding ways to mess this up. And as most people here seem to see, you are a pretty decent T and we have a pretty decent relationship and maybe that is just too scary of a thing for me to handle right now?

Again- I emphasize, I am not letting you off the hook for the crappy think you did.. I just think that I am more scared about the feelings we are going to talk about surround the events. And YES- maybe feeling a little like I am going to get reprimanded or something. I really want to email all this to you before I see you on Friday.. because I am really afraid that this anxiety is going to over take me and I am just not going to show up.

And to be honest t.. I feel like I lost an ally.

Just wanted to say I know exactly what you mean about feeling like a kid about to be disciplined by T--I've felt like that with MC before. Like when I did the googling or when I e-mailed or texted excessively. When I felt like I'd been *bad*. And then it would be confusing when he *didn't* "discipline" me and didn't even express any anger or frustration.

So I get the being scared about seeing T. But I suspect he will be understanding and won't reprimand you. Like you said though, don't let him off the hook for upsetting you either. Hope it goes well!

T,

I can't do this. I can't.

I thought that you're able to understand me. But you don't. You're exactly like everyone else.

I wish I could be normal, but I just don't fit into this world.

Why havent you even acknowledged my voice mail?????

I am not sure how I will make it through the next couple weeks until I can hide in my apartment again.

Strictly planned activities (of the sort where you can kick back with a beer and a book while they exhaust themselves)?

It's not the twins, who I think will be a good distraction (I have been given permission to teach them to swim!). It's a combination of stressors, including my mother, No. 3, and general emotional turmoil about Smaug stirred up by talking to No. 3.

Two days in a row of taking Ativan is unprecedented for me, and today looks like it will be the third.

Hi T

Hi

I wish you could just drag the words out of me, but I know that's not how you work. Even if it would make it easier from my perspective. I get so frustrated with myself...I want these things to stop haunting me. I want to speak them so that I can be free, and yet speaking them makes them real again...how the hell does that work?

You tell me that you can hear me asking for your help. 'I hear you.'

I hope you do...this is going to hurt like hell before it gets better, I fear.

Hey T- I'm slip, slip, slip sliding awayyyyyyy....

I am so totally freaking out

THIS is the feeling I need you to help me with. The pain of rejection gets so bad I feel like I am beating myself bloody on the walls of my own soul

I wish this wouldn't hurt so much