Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

Just when I was beginning to feel calm, YOU destroy it! You told my clergyman something that is disgusting. You knew he'd come back and tell me about it. You must have gone back to using because a sane individual would never!

My clergyman thought you were out of your mind too. Please get some help.

I hate you.

Why can't I comfort myself!!!!

What's that saying? The definition of insanity is to keep doing something over and over again, expecting a different result. Does that pretty much fit the picture here? I am sick of putting up with ridiculous insulting cruelty because someone is insane.

I went on that site that you suggested and in the second group I looked at...you are a member. I was afraid that would happen. What am I supposed to do now? Not sure I want to even talk to you about it.

I cannot stop thinking that my old sh kit is right there in the bedside table drawer.

I haven't reached for it and don't intend to - I will not let a vengeful narcissistic a-hole of a future ex-husband push me back into that behavior - but I know it's there.

Exactly.

I am too tired for this today T.

T,

Sometimes I feel playful when I hug you but then I have no idea what to do with that feeling.

Dear T,

Where did that come from today? Was it spontaneous or a question that you have had for some time, but what I told you today gave you an opportunity to ask it.

It is a question that needs talking about, for sure. It is also something that I would need to think, seriously, about. It would be weird, for sure, but maybe weird is good?

My gut says that I would love nothing more than for you to come to it. My head isn't so sure. My head says that I don't want to do anything that could jeopardise what we have now. But it also says that I don't think we would do that. I think we are both open and honest and sensible enough to be able to manage it, and I trust you enough to play your part in that.

I would like you to see a different side of me. I would like to see more of you. I would like, when you retire, for us to be able to continue seeing each other in a non professional way and maybe this could be a first step to that.

I like the fact that you would want to come, and to be honest, the more people the better, because it means more money!!

So yeah, lots to think about, and to talk about, but if it was spontaneous, I am glad you said it. Thank you.

T,

I'm glad you apologized for your unfairness in scheduling someone in MY appointment slot. That makes me feel a lot better.

Now, I do have to say... I'm having medication compliance issues AGAIN. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm going to become manic or depressed soon if I keep this up.

I don't know why self sabotage like this. I don't feel guilty about my non-compliance decisions, either. It's bad, really bad.

I tend to do this self sabotaging thing when stable. I think I can get away with not taking my meds. What would you suggest? I don't want to spiral out of control again.

I'm sorry for my behavior

Hi T,

You asked if I dislike my body. I guess I do, even if I denied it. Having a body means that other people can hurt it.
There's stuff I've done that... I should tell you about. But then you're gonna assume ... again. I don't want that. Please stop thinking that anything in my past went wrong, because it didn't. I know that that sounds like denial... I agree that it's possible in theory, but it just isn't...

Dear New T,

I have to say, getting you as my T was a great move on my part. I am so much happier without blank slate T, you have no idea! Thank you so much for allowing me to email you in between sessions. I've not been abusing it and half the time I don't even email you, but on the occasions when I have emailed, I've appreciated your thoughtful responses.

I'm so glad that I reached out the other day. I was ruminating and it was reminiscent of how I felt with old Blank Slate T. You had all of these insights and things to say in response to my email. Why couldn't you have said even one of those in session? I'm so glad that you explained everything as it made me feel MUCH Better!

Thank you so much for being so cool! Thank you for answering my questions. Thank you for the recommendations that you've given me. You are my contemporary and you are awesome!

One thing though, get rid of those crazy dresses...you look so much better in jeans!

Dear T-

Why do you care??

Healed

I will miss you and I'm going to be better when you return.

Me.

T,

What am I going to do next month without work and without you? I'm already not eating healthy, I'm sleeping too much, skipping the gym, and I've spent all summer binge watching Netflix or old HBO shows.

I don't want to die, but rather just cease to exist. There is a difference, isn't there?

Daisy

Dear T,

I'm scared. How will I ever tell you?

I'm totally disgusted with you. I've discovered you treat dogs better than you do me. I've tried to find someone else, just to complain about the neighbor but even that is a disappointment. Frankly, I've lost all respect for those in your field after my experience with you. I feel sorry for anyone, yes anyone, that has contact with you. Surely, they will be sorry one day, as I was, for hanging on.

Dear R,

Five more sleeps...I'm already feeling that avoidance creeping in. For goodness' sake, don't let me. The only way I'm going to get through this is to get it all out. The only way I'm going to get it all out is to talk to you. It's taken me too long to be assured that I can trust you, I know....but I think I'm ready. I know I can't stall forever, and that frustrates me beyond belief. I feel like I should be able to be open with you about what happened and how it affected me...and still affects me.

I'm trying. I'm doing my best. I don't know whether there is anything else you...we can do to make this easier. I know I don't want to sweep it under the rug any longer.

I'm well aware that it's going to hurt, but I am going to need you to keep me in that place.

Thank you for your caring and support,

Lost

I hate you, roboT.

Dear Dr.S,

I'm scared. It's not ok. I'm not ok. Are you going to help ease my stress this time? I can't ask because I don't know what will help not because I can't ask. It is as if I am paralyzed by indecision. There are so many possible things to try and if the first doesn't work..the. we try another...how many others before I am just greedy, needy, selfish, and unreasonable.

So don't ask me because I don't know, if I knew I'd ask for it..Just help, please.

-me

Doing a lot of thinking about you tonight. Where are you. What are you doing. Wish I could cuddle up in your arms and rest. It was nice seeing you like that yesterday, at the shop, but it has left me feeling things. That yearning is here. I know it needs to be and I know it needs to hurt, but I wish that it didn't have to. I wish that I could belong to you, somehow. Love you, T.

I wish I could be normal. I wish I could get you and your family out of my head. I keep wondering about your children. I hope that you have a good relationship with all of them. All of them. You have a lot of children, you know. Well, you raised them, so I presume that you do know!! Lol. Yeah, I still wish I had been a part of all of that, but I know that dwelling on that won't change the fact that I didn't. It might help me realise that what I had wasn't good enough, though, and that is important, right?

Yes, the yearning is hard to bear. Very hard to bear.

Saw one of my old teachers out tonight. Seen him a few times in the pub and around the village. All we both do is look at each other. No acknowledgement from either side, just am awkward staring. I don't know what this brings up for me, but it is distracting and fairly unpleasant. Maybe we could talk about this one day.

I definitely want to do that jigsaw with you on Tuesday. Did you have it on the desk for me? You said that you thought that I would like it. I hope that you did have it there for me. Thank you. Love you.

T, I really, really, really need to connect with you right now! Please respond to my email. And please respond with more than three sentences. I don't want to send another one - that would be the third this week, though the first two were short - but I've been feeling like this for hours now and it's getting worse. I think you might understand since you know I'm upset (grieving) after losing my amazing psychiatrist this week, but what would I even say in the email?
"Oh hi, so I'm almost near tears and really need to talk to you." ??? That's way too needy of me. And what if he doesn't respond for 12 hours and by then the feelings have passed and so then I should have just not emailed?
I can't stop thinking about losing my psychiatrist and trying to hold onto my therapist. I feel like I just want to cling to you, for safety, for comfort, for knowing that I'm not alone in fighting all of this, for hearing your voice and feeling the automatic relieved response inside me built up from so many sessions.
I wish I were in session right now.