Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

Dear MC,
In a way, I feel like I should text you and give you the update that I called the doc and the receptionist said no suspicious findings (though waiting to hear officially from the doc). On the other hand, that would be sending yet another text. And I kinda want to see if you'll respond at all. Figure I can just say, "Yeah, actually, I just heard from doc" (which could be true, if I'm talking about actual doctor). I think I'll go with option 2. It would be nice to hear something though (but I'm sure you're just busy).
LT

Glad to hear that, LT!

You are my ROCK seriously how are you so patient and compassionate. I'm sorry I hurt you and I hurt me. I'm going to try harder.

Dear MC,
Aww, you called me without my even asking you to. I felt maybe a little silly being like, "Actually I think everything is OK now," but it was nice to hear you say you were glad to hear that. And just to hear your voice. And you could have just been like, "OK, well, since you're OK...and gotten off the phone, but you still talked to me for a couple minutes and reassured me that it was OK I sent the texts and that it was normal to be worried about. Of course you had to say your usual thing about how I got through it, even though I was anxious. And of course I tried to throw in all those "but I should have done x, and not done y" but you called me on that. Even though in my head, I was weak to reach out to you multiple times instead of just handling on my own or just talking to H. But at the same time, it's not like I called you when I was crying at 3 a.m. So yeah, I guess I did manage. Is it weird that in some ways I do want to be dependent on you, to need you to get through something like this? I mean, obviously, that's paternal transference going on there. It's like I'm scared to believe I can handle things on my own...so there's a topic for T next week I guess.

But anyway, even though I wish you'd texted or e-mailed earlier, when I was really in the dark place...thanks for calling. It shows you really do care.

Love you,
LT

Thanks, Luco! (Will still feel better hearing it from my actual doc!)

T, please text me at some point the "see you at 5:30" that you sometimes do on a day we're scheduled... I'm so nervous to face you today and that would help some if you would pleasepleaseplease.

Dear Dr S,
You notification on my phone has finally timed out.
- E

plz love me.

Should I apologize? I feel like I should apologize. I'm sorry for being such a *****.

Thank you for texting..... see you soon. My fingers are crossed.

I've been needing your support lately, and it just makes me sad everytime I want to reach out to you like this. Really sad.

Why did I ever get involved in this therapy business...

Hey Dr S, I'm thinking tomorrow will be break the rules day. I don't know if I can. I don't know how I will feel about myself if I do. I think it would be a good thing to do. I'm kind of excited at the possibility of feeling connected to you if I do. I hope I have the courage to try. - me

*PC, FYI - these are the rules I created to keep myself safe after T's vacation pain*

Thank you Kashi for being there for me when my other supports fell through.

Dear (Ex) T,

It has been three years since you abandoned me. I emailed you on Monday and despite knowing deep down you would not reply, I still hoped you would. Feelings have been stirred up again and I forgot how much I missed you, how much I looked forward to reading your kind notes to me and the excitement I felt whenever you contacted me out of the blue. I miss you. I love you, but part of me knows you were never the right T for me. You were afraid of conflict and I really don't know if there was any substance behind your perfessional, "flawless" persona. It seemed that you were made of glass because the one time I confronted you and became angry, you disappeared. For a long time, I didn't think I could ever be angry or attached to anyone ever again, because my anger and attachment to you pushed you away. I miss you T, but I'm not sure if I really miss you at all. I just miss what I wanted from you, which for while, is exactly what you gave. I'm realizing now, for that reason, there is no one for me to actually miss.

So...

I can refuse to tell you. I'll feel guilty because I'm obviously not doing "real" therapy and therefore wasting insurance money... and your time. Time you could spend help someone else

I can tell you... I'll tell you that it probably was PT that triggered it... but not PT itself. Just the fact that people used to say that I'm having a hard time with physical contact... which got me attention. Which is why I'm having a hard time with it now (because I want attention and I want there to be something wrong with me) and not for the more obvious reason.

And that's the reason I'll probably spend an eternity in therapy, lol.

And yeah, I can dee that look of utter confusion on your face right before my eyes...

I forgot to tell you something important again today...'The only time I feel rested is during those moments where I'm in the back of the car, and I can just close my eyes for a little while...' I don't know why it helps, it just does.

Next time, I'll mention it.

i emailed you last night about



now im like wow what is wrong with me. i hope you dont read it haha

This happens to me too!!!

thanks for sharing i really thought i was just a freak

It's happened to me both after that and intercourse, too. I looked it up online at one point, and there's something called "postcoital dysphoria." I think it said it's related to the hormones released during climax.

Dear MC,
I think it's like, over the past couple years, you've activated these receptors in my brain that have long been dormant--receptors for reassurance, security, etc. Stuff I didn't get as a kid. And also stuff I'm not getting enough of now. I don't think it's all just about childhood--you've said that marriage should bring with it security and similar feelings. But for whatever reason--whether it's H not providing that in the ways that I want/need or me not being open to receiving it from him or both--I feel like I'm not getting that enough in marriage.

But I don't know how to bring it up in session without saying I'm getting those things from you, which might put H on the defensive and might make you go into your whole "but I'm not real" or "if you have the void, then H can't fix that" or "but H does give you security, you just can't accept it." I think I just need it to be expressed in different ways, the ways that you do it, because they get through to me. But I feel like I've said some of that before, but H won't do it. Some of it seems so simple though, like just saying "It's OK." These little things could make such a difference for me. Can you maybe help H understand? Or are you just going to say that I need to adapt to what H can give? Like maybe I want a grilled cheese but have to be satisfied with cheese and breadcrumbs because that's what H chooses to give, even though he's seemingly capable of making me a grilled cheese. (Maybe that's a bad example.) And, yes, I know it needs to go the other way, too, with me giving him something different. But isn't that part of what marriage is about, trying to meet each others' needs?

I'm rambling, maybe I can come up with something more coherent by Monday...
Love,
LT

Dear t,

I really wish you had appointments earlier in the day. I worry all day before I see you. My Thursdays (when I see you) are very unproductive, seeing you is the only thing productive about Thursdays. I want to start working Thursday but then I'd feel I'd have to stop seeing you, it just seems like too much to do both. If SSI keeps my funding I guess I'll stay with you and not work Thursdays. If I get the SSI boot I don't know what I'll do.

Hey t. Thanks for letting me come yesterday. And even though it hurts me so much to know how much I hurt you last week - thank you for your honesty. And I'm glad you had the idea to do the journey work. It was exactly what we both needed. I'm going to do it again this evening, for longer than 5 minutes this time. I've only done a little of that specific thing in the past so I'm still learning. It's powerful though isn't it? And I'm also glad the one to you was from my heart...

I know we'll sort it T, but I could do without wading through the cr@p to get there.

I squish you!!!!