Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

T I really want to email you.

Art therapy?

The Universe moves in mysterious ways. Before 'this', I would have completely chickened out of the idea of drawing or anything like it, but since I no longer play music for pleasure, I have gained art. You don't know any of this, though...so I guess we file this under happy accidents? I liked the way you said 'I'm not an art therapist, but...'

I feel reassured that peace is possible when I am talking things through with you.

I will get through this, scribbles or no scribbles.

(Tell me to stop doing research on art therapy, and just enjoy the ride?)

Thank for your support and wisdom. You've been a lifesaver for me. I'm going to miss you but I understand you had to take that full time job at the VA. Best wishes.

I don't know what to do with the latest missive -- the repeated not-so-subtle guilt-tripping requests for money -- from the parental unit.

I am inclined to curl up and soothe myself by counting ways to kick the bucket.

I really wish I hadn't been such a frickin' martyr and taken you up on the phone session over your vacation.

I don't know how to cope.

And, it seems I'm now going to be subjected to this every week.

I don't know what to do.

Dear t,

I'm sorry I didn't share the poetry I wrote with you. You didn't seem upset but I feel like keeping things from you is only hurting me. I was doing better when I was with my old t and I told her everything. I felt I had no privacy but I did feel better. You seem to think I have the right to privacy which I do but it seems I can't handle being alone with my thoughts so maybe I'll just tell you eventually.

Help me...

t, i know i deserved to hear how much i hurt you. it's really hard to be with it though. i need to do some more of that journey work we started last night. i think the little bit we did last night was already helpful. i was able to not email you this evening even though i reallyk wanted to and now it's time to go to bed. good night lovely t.

thank you for seeing me out of session today, was awesome and my dog had a blast meeting your co workers

Deserved? No.

I know there is a fine line in T-world where they want to make sure their clients understand how they may come across in the real world, and not hurting them.

I really believe your T crossed that line. You had a right to be angry with her! That is OKAY, especially since you struggle with anger in general.

I am very sad and upset at the thought of leaving the twins and having to go back to my real life.

I really wish I had kids, or the possibility of them.

Dear Dr. S, Thank you for everything today - too much to list here. I will try to find my way back to you. I feel close to you right now. I want it to last. We have some tough subjects to discuss in the next few weeks. Today felt really good. I love you, right now it is overflowing. Warm wishes, me

I hate to say this, but you are being cute lately.

Hey T

Dear T,
I feel like I haven't seen you in a month--how has it only been 9 days??? I hope you're having a good vacation. I really was tempted to contact you earlier this week when I was stressing about the tests. I know you said it would have been OK, but I figured I'd just bother MC instead. Plus, to be honest, I was trying to save the contact with you for if my test results *weren't* OK (or at least if I needed followup testing). Part of me wanted to text you to tell you that things were fine, but then I didn't want to interrupt your vacation. I wonder if you've thought of me at all? Because I'd feel bad if you were wondering if I got the results and were concerned, and then I didn't say anything. Maybe I'll send a quick e-mail later today.

Hope you're having a great time!
Love,
LT

Where are you? I'm here... In a really bad place.
Would you forgive me?

How am I supposed to perform well on this interview this morning when I'm still feeling so bad about how I hurt you? I still feel awful about it.

Is it possible that feeling bad about something that you don't have control over (her reaction) is a distraction from the worry about the interview? Something you have a lot more control over?

Of course, do whatever you feel like doing-but I wouldn't worry about the level of T's worry I'm sure she is of the mindset that if you did get back scary results, you might contact her. No news is good news!

That would be in character for me. As in, if i fail the interview it's the fault of stuff I can't control not because I didn't prepare enough. So much for me taking responsibility for my life huh. Oh well. Are you sure you don't moonlight as a t?! Insert that green big grin emoji here that I don't know how to do on my phone.

You're probably right. She said I could contact her if I needed to--not, "Please let me know when you get your results." It would be different if she wasn't on vacation--even if it was one of her normal days off (she only works M-W), I probably would have texted or e-mailed her. But I'm trying to let her have her time away from work...

Stopdog, M.A., L.M.H.C.

I'm not sure i understand being upset about hurting your T. Her JOB is to deal with your emotions.
If a horse kicks me and injured me, I don't expect the horses owner to feel bad about it. My job involves putting myself in the firing line of unhappy horses. A T's job involves putting themselves in the firing line of unhappy people.

If you were abusive, threw/broke things, threatened her etc I guess i would understand. But your T needs to be a big girl and take care of her own feelings, not make you responsible for them

Thanks BB. Of course I didn't do any of those things. I'm very perplexed about all of it still and don't know what to think anymore...

Teeeee
So I've survived 1 week without you. 2 weeks to go. Miss you

It just seems like a pattern...."bad art" upsetting someone and then needing to be "good art" and take care of everyone's feelings like itd your job to make others happy .