Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

Good luck tomorrow with your T. I'm really feeling for you. All relationship ruptures can be rectified as long as the parties involved are prepared to compromise, apologise & except their part in the rupture. When we go into our therapy sessions we bring with us all of our 'parts' Depending on how everything internally is working for us at those times, those parts will work independently & have different needs. Your T's job is to work with all of those parts of you & help & support you. I would not think very highly of your T if she was not prepared to try to mend the rupture. If she doesn't, then she's not worth you sticking with her anyway & you would be better off with someone else who has positive regard for you! I really hope it goes well for you. Keep us informed. xXx

Thank you so much, JoBo.

Dear MC,
Thanks for your response to my sappy e-mail last night. (I managed to avoid the l-word, because that has only led to bad places with you the couple times I said it in the past.) Hope you see my response to that from a half hour ago, where I'm freaking out about today's medical test. Maybe I should have just texted you... I don't think you work on Tuesdays in the new-ish office...or maybe just at night? As T says, you have a weird schedule.
Love,
LT

Dear Dr S,

It is hard not to hear from you between sessions, like before. I feel like I have to be grown up about it. I don't wanna. I don't see you tomorrow. It's ok, I'm ok. I can do this. I don't NEED you. I do need you, just not capital need you. I think that is what is different here. It's a good thing, right?

I love you. I think I will always love you at some level. I hope you are ready for that, that you can handle that.

Love,
me

Hi R,

I'm hoping you will acknowledge the email I sent on Thursday before we meet for this week's session, as I really don't want to have to rehash the entire triggering experience. I'm not looking for sympathy, but empathy appears to be your strong suit. If anything, the experience last Thursday has brought everything into sharp relief....it's imperative that I can stumble my way through a conversation with you about exactly what happened, because standing in the middle of the supermarket trying to compose myself is not my favourite way to spend my time. I was falling apart on the inside, but I wasn't going to say anything. (You knew that anyway, right?) 'I can't make this about me...' has been a predominant thought for too long.

In the garden centre, I felt the pain in my chest, stumbled, breathed through it, and was fine. This has hung around, because it brought everything back up. I'm not good at sitting on the box to keep it closed.

Two more sleeps...but please get back to me before then.

Please get back to me even if it is "no"

I know exactly how you feel! I told my therapist about my ED and I got really emotional and now I feel like I've told her too much, and that it's not mine anymore. I want to take it all back.

Dear t-

Current review of your work big fat thumbs down.

P.S. I am incredibly angry at you right now.

for something that happened in the dark, last night's dream certainly shed some light on the travesty of my session last week. wonder what my psyche has in store for me tonight. more answers, i hope. i am both looking forward to and scared of seeing you tomorrow. you may have to come out to my car. ha.

T,
It is only now, just as we are counting down the sessions until you leave, that I can feel the attachment kicking in. Of course. We don't want to go see the new one. She is a stranger. Even her room is dark and cold and empty. I have just been waiting to see you this week. All I am doing is waiting. There is so much to tell you before you go.

RoboT,

I hope you're still alive. I hope you haven't forgotten me. I don't hope that you think of me often, because you deserve to enjoy your vacation without thinking about work, but it'd be nice if I've crossed your mind once, briefly. Within the confines of our artificial relationship, I hope that I'm important and that my well being matters.

Your PC name comes from a conversation we had once, months ago. Of course you exist outside of our hour together. You know that I wasn't trying to imply that you weren't real. You knew that, for which I'm thankful. I don't want to hurt you in the same way I don't want to hurt anyone.

But anyway, I wonder if I'm the robot to you. Do I exist when I go down the elevator? Do I hold a piece in your life, if only ever so tiny? I hope I do. Not a big piece, but a part.

18 days, I think? I'm trying not to count. I'm trying to live my life and be more open to experience.

You'd be proud of me, I think. I'm going to NoVA on Friday with my co-teacher for next year. We're going to IKEA, then to the mall nearby. Next week I'm going day drinking with a couple of my girlfriends from college. I'm trying to cultivate friendships. Isn't that weird? I know, it's weird for me too.

I miss your dumb face and your ugly shirts. I'll see you on the 29th. I'll probably write to you again.

Daisy

I listened to one of the meditations you recorded. It made me cry because I was thinking of how much I need you and miss you in between sessions and it feels wrong to need you that much. Like I'm doing something bad that I should be punished for.

Thank you for saying "I would hire you", that means a lot to me

Uh T,

It's been such a stressful morning, and now I have to go to work. I just want to get back under the duvet and curl up.

I want to talk to you so much today. I want to tell you what it was like to argue with my dad. I want to tell you about my brother.

I want you to hold me while I cry.

Duchess: Can't you see how bad I hurt and am confused and am not understanding anything?! You say I'm doing well, yeah - I'm not.

Dear MC,
Could you say something in response to my text or e-mail? I'm just really struggling here with the health fears... I'm not at all worried about whether things are OK with my relationship with you--this isn't me looking for reassurance about that, but just something to help me deal with my fears about the other stuff. You have anxiety, too, so what works for you? (Then again...I guess some of your fears came to fruition, at least regarding your wife...but you said to not worry about your feelings.) I'll try to resist reaching out to you again. You might just not be sure what to say (or are crazy busy). I just hate that you responded to the warm, fuzzy e-mail from Monday that I didn't need/expect a response to, but then not to this. I know it's been less than a day...so I'm likely expecting too much. I'm just freaking out and feel alone, that's all...(I really shouldn't have had this test done the week T was on vacation...you're probably thinking the same thing!)
Love,
LT

Thank you so much for replying, and understanding.

'Beyond ironic' is right...

Dear JDNA's T... I know you are in session with her right now.... please hear these words... HELP her. She needs you to respond to her texts so help her come up with a way that you know which ones she needs a response to and when she can expect a response. She needs you.

E...

PRN:
Little boy talking to self...
Little boy - I don't see you today, I see you tomorrow.
Little boy pretending to be you... That's right, you see me tomorrow. I am here.

Rise and repeat as needed

I do this too....

Why do I miss you

thank you

You didn't listen to me or 'hear' me on Monday, yet it was a very connecting session - so I feel confused. Yesterday, pdoc I don't think took me seriously in how I'm feeling. I hope today you'll see it and *hear* me this time. I don't want to do this anymore.