Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

T,

Did you look in my cart

Was there ice cream in there? Donettes?

I've emailed once a week for the last two weeks. I feel bad about it, but it was all stuff you need to know. Even if it doesn't have a direct bearing on the work we are doing, it has an impact on how people around me are interacting with me, and that has an impact on the work that we are doing.



The Critic is back - mountain out of a molehill, and such. The fact that other people are experiencing pain and difficulty doesn't make my pain and difficulty any less valid, right?

No... Chicken broccoli corn and half n half

I was going to look at the cheese but I saw them.. By the time. I realized it was too late

I bailed on the cheese.

Kashi your smoked meats make me smile. Don't stop being quirky.

Lol my fave dear t post ever

Aaaargh. I feel love for you too. But you know that.

t, y'know what, i really wish i could come see you right now and we could sit outside on your porch and watch the thunderstorm together and just share the energy that's in the air. i don't know why but i suddenly feel very homesick for you. i just saw you on Wednesday evening for gosh sakes.

Maybe it's something about this week. It feels like a long time since I've seen MC, when I saw him Monday, got a brief e-mail from him Tuesday (in response to mine), and talked to him for a couple minutes on the phone Wed. I also feel like it's been eons since I've seen my T, and I saw her last Wed. (she's on vacation this week). It just feels like time is moving slowly in general lately--maybe it's a hot summer thing? (I guess that's a good thing for my freelance work deadlines...)

I dunno. I just typed up a very emotional email to t and sobbed all the way through it. It's been a difficult week for a bunch of us here huh.

All I want to hear from you is that you will never ever leave me, no matter how horrible my inner teenager is to you. I don't think I'm asking for the impossible, surely it's either yes or no!!

Thank you for responding today. I thought you might have been out of town based on what looked like your schedule last week.

yeah t i know... what could you say. there's nothing to say. it was just something that needed to come out.

Pathetic with a capital P. That's me.

Dear t,

You gave me this worksheet to do titled "behavioral chain analysis of problem behavior worksheet". I know you said this is a DBT worksheet and you are hoping it will help my emotional eating. But I'm a little traumatized from ABA therapy and I'm a tad scared you're going to want to fix things about my autism like stimming or something. I'm kind of scared to do it. I rarely did homework for old t but I was hoping to change that with you. I don't want the first assignment to give me to be undone but I'm scared I won't be able to get myself to do it. Also, this worksheet says "problem behavior". Does this mean you think I have behavioral issues? Does this mean this is all my fault? Does this make me a bad person? Does this mean you hate me? Sorry if I'm over-reacting or sounding paranoid.

I wish I was seeing you today, today sucks and I need to feel your calming presence

I so identify with that!!!

Did you read this book or something? The bit about mutuality is exactly what you were saying to me.

(Potential trigger on the image)

Just stop your crying
It's a sign of the times

Welcome to the final show
Hope you're wearing your best clothes

You can't bribe the door on your way to the sky

You look pretty good down here
But you ain't really good

If we never learn, we been here before

Why are we always stuck and running from
The bullets?
The bullets

We never learn, we been here before

Why are we always stuck and running from
The bullets?
The bullets

Just stop your crying
It's a sign of the times
We gotta get away from here
We gotta get away from here
Just stop your crying
It'll be alright
They told me that the end is near
We gotta get away from here

Just stop your crying
Have the time of your life

Breaking through the atmosphere
And things are pretty good from here

Remember everything will be alright

We can meet again somewhere
Somewhere far away from here

We never learn, we been here before

Why are we always stuck and running from
The bullets?
The bullets

You don't care about how I feel
I don't feel it any more

All the world I've seen before me passing by

If I report him, I want you to come to the tribunal with me.

I wrote you a poem. I'll read it to you when i see you.

I feel like this often. I trying to figure out saying something like this to my T tomorrow. I dont' expect her to "fix" me, but I do feel that I will forever be stuck where I am, and even though she is okay with me coming no matter what, it seems rather futile if I can't get past this stupid wall I am at.
Was this after your awful session? I'm sorry he accused you

No. It was the day before today when I thought things were okay

Apparently not