Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

Whatever it doesn't mayter

Nothing really mattwrs.... Anyone can see.... Nothing really matters

Nothing really matters... To meee...

Any
Way
The
Wind
Blows

Dear DNAs therapist:
Text her back please.
-Daisy

RoboT,
Please have something open on 8/5.
-Daisy

I will not email you....

Dear MC,
I know yesterday was a holiday, so I don't know if you've even read my e-mail(s) yet. But if you could respond sometime in the next couple days, that'd be good.

It's not even like I need for you to tell me that what I said is OK. I think I just miss you and want the connection. And for you to know the stuff--unrelated to you--that I'm stressing about. Almost like by handing some of those worries off to you, I'm unburdening myself a bit. But I also want to know that the handoff has happened, i.e., that you've read them.

Love you,
LT

Correct me if im wrong. But i missed the part where you opened a new can of worms in your last session?

An i was gonna tell you that going from ts to your moms was just looking for trouble. Now i feel kinda bad i didnt. You should always do it the other way around!! FIRST you get hit by a truck, THEN you go to the hospital.

So, just sayin, you cant open a new can of worms by text. They cant process that. Theyre still just men. Sequential processing. Look how long it takes them to play a game of baseball.

I think the can of worms was earlier today, in session, right JD? And now you just want support related to that over text?

I just want to know if he thinks I'm gross.

But i don't care anymore. For real. It doesn't matter

I told him all that stuff about sa in our session not thru text

I wish i could give you some of my belief. My t finally has me convinced he doesnt. But then, he doesnt pretend to be Mother Teresa either. But even mother teresa wasnt mother teresa. She said she had her doubts etc.

Top 5 favorite song, #1 song to rock out to.
It DOES matter. I am sorry he isn't responding. Have you tried calling and leaving a VM stressing how bad you are doing and just need some reassurance? Text leaves a lot to interpretation.

I hate him and I hate me and he can go off to Colorado and get eaten by bear cause whateevr.

I also didn't end up going to mymoms

I've done that before too
It's just pointless he does not care enough

I could call him. Sobbing saying I just took 500 Tylenol and it would be complete radio silence

Might still be worth a shot to call...

Maybe hes just doin stuff. Bike riding or drinking beer or something. Its a full moon.

jDNA. Did he say anything in session that might help you here - or did he say anything that would lead you to believe/question that he thinks you are gross. I thought he said that it wasn't a surprise based on your age and your experiences.

I wished he'd text or call, I do. I do think he doesn't think you are gross, and I understand how much hearing that directly from him (again and again and again) would mean; how much that reassurance would help. What you have, what you can try to hold onto is what he has said. Try to believe, try to have faith in what he has said.

Malificent

Could you stop being so confusing. You're either too close or you're not but I can't deal with half in half out.

Ellah

First of all...I hope you didn't I am really worried about you!'

Second...you said you've talked about this ad nauseoum with him, so what is his response to "I am REALLY struggling right now, and hearing from you may make me stop from "X." I don't know if that is a good thing to be able to say to a T, or not? It is very confusing.

Either way, I don't agree that he went from "We are talking WAY TOO MUCH," (and to which you agree to on some aspect), to "I will never talk to you out of session."

Except, when you see him, whether at game night or in session, it seems to go okay. Do you leave session and just can't hold onto that version of your T? I know you have mentioned recently that you think his wife hates you, and now you are worried he thinks you are gross (I truly believe he doesn't, bc I am not a T, and I don't think you are gross AT ALL)...and I know you are struggling with your thoughts.

It is all so difficult I am sorry.

T, what happened today I mean really? I don't understand!!!! I am still mad but feel sad and bad at the same time. I don't hate you. But I did momentarily. What the hell was that today????

You always said you could handle my anger. Apparently you lied.

I feel like there is no "we" anymore. Maybe I should just cut and run and be thankful for what was, hold onto the healing, and say goodbye. I don't know what I feel.

Maybe this is all my fault.