Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

Dear MC,
I really hope you respond tomorrow to the text about feeling hurt by you. I really don't want that hanging out there till next Monday... I know I should probably leave you alone and deal with this through T, but I kinda feel like you took me to this place, so you have to deal with the fallout, such as it is.
I miss the warm, fuzzy feeling I usually get after sessions with you...your earlier text didn't do it (I'm not even clear on part of what you were saying, the whole process thing), so maybe I'm hoping you'll say something to give the warm fuzziness again...
LT

I wish he'd



Because then this mess would never have happened.

Hi,

Now I have "our father in heaven in heaven..." stuck in my head. Grr. That's your fault

Teeeeeee

Make it stop, make it stop pleeaasse.

This how insane I am how can you make it stop when I won't tell you what "it" is?

How am I supposed to come back? How am I supposed to get through this week?
I'm an idiot. I'm a ****ing idiot.
I thought I could trust you. I thought you gave a damn. About me, I mean. As a person. Now I feel like an absolute idiot for thinking I'm a person at all.
You would sacrifice me.
You would sacrifice me for the sake of other people.
I'm a number. I'm a number on a list of numbers, I'm the lowest number on a list of numbers. I'm just a number.
It doesn't matter what reporting would do to me. It doesn't matter what it would put me through. I don't matter.
I don't know why I keep trying therapy thinking it's ever going to work or be positive. I've ****ing never had a positive experience in ****ing therapy. I just want to believe I don't have to do this alone, be alone, that there's something better than feeling like this, that someone could care. That I could matter. That my life could matter.
But it doesn't.
Other people matter.
Protecting other people matters
Protecting me does not matter and never has
I am on my own
I am alone
I am nothing
Nothing to S
Nothing to you
Nothing to anyone unless I am serving their needs
Paying them one way or another
There is my worth: What I can pay. What need I can meet. What I can tell that would protect someone else.

Two years ago you would have shifted clients around to see me and I wasn't nearly as bad off as I am today. Today there is nothing you can do. I already feel abandoned by everyone and this just adds to it. I told you I wasn't worth it. I'm not worth anything.

Of course you're not going to call. Because you realize you ****ed up yesterday and don't want to deal with that. Maybe you figure you'll just wait till I see T tomorrow, then hope it will blow over.

Could you at least maybe respond to me in some way? (Pretty sure you don't see clients on Tuesdays because T uses your office). Yeah, I know you sent me the brief text last night, but that didn't really say much. I just want to hear you saying something caring to me...so I can feel better about you and about life.

--LT

Please don't destroy this for me
Please don't take S away from me
I can't bear it
I can't
I told him that I wasn't badmouthing him to people, to you
I want my friendship with him to eventually work
I can't bear him hating me
I can't bear him tearing me apart to a board or to anyone
I can't bear to have this person who I love so f***ing much who knows every part of me and still loves me anyways now HATE me
I can't bear to hear him say things that will destroy me, and it would destroy me, he could destroy me
Please don't take him away from me

Dear M

Tomorrow huh

I can do this

Dear MC,
Or you'll call me and end up talking to me for (checks what time you called), wow, practically the length of a session and be very helpful. So, thanks for that. You're officially back in my good graces.
Love you,
LT

...And another. I'm going to have a sodding anthology by the time you get back.

t, i'm still dealing with the fallout from learning how you were affected by my anger week before last. i now feel like i have to protect you from that part of me. so how do you propose to work with me on my anger if i have to protect you from it? do tell. we will talk about it tomorrow right?

parts parts parts. how many parts are there? i suppose i am not any one of them individually but that you see me as some glorious mish-mash of all of them.
eta I started to type 'mis-match' which is closer to the truth.
i wish i was seeing you today. my head hurts and i feel like throwing up and i do not want to go out with friends this evening like we have planned.

no no no! i'm glad he didn't.
I Hope you do talk to your T about it. YOu should not have to protect her from your anger. My T has never seen me when I am full on ragey, and no one likely ever will...but she has seen me angry.

Dear T,
Kinda nervous to see you tomorrow, since it feels like it's been so long (despite being a whole 2 weeks!) Tried to fill you in as best I could over e-mail, but I feel like there's about 10 different topics we could dive into...Guess I need to try to pick a few to focus on...
Love,
LT
PS--Not sure if I should tell you how long my call with MC was--you seemed really hung up on the length the last time I told you, and this one was longer...though maybe I could mention the 3-minute one about my test results, to balance it out.

So t I'm at the concert. My friend got me laughing and my headache's better. Bring on Journey!

I'm not going to think about you after now til tomorrow.

Hey T.

i hate me. i hate me. i hate me. ihatemeihatemeihatemeihateme.

Me: I don't see you tomorrow. I see you Thursday.

T: Yes, you'll see me Thursday.

Umm I'm supposed to see you tomorroe

M.

Ouch.

I wanted tears when I got home last night for the ones hurting.

I was numb when I left your office and I still am.

It will take some sorting out.

It was a lot and Compliance is stuck with no words or tears.

Just had to put this somewhere.

T,

I hope your schedule continues to allow me to see you once a fortnight.

Pleaseeeee give me a sign that you exist

T,
I am so triggered and can't stop switching. I don't want any of this I want it all to go away. I didn't know how dangerous it was. I want it to stop. I don't know what to do.