Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

Never mind..........................................

Dear T,

Will I ever get over fearing abandonment? Can you please say, 'Yes', even if it's not true?

Duchess,

Yesterday's session, was, well - no words. However, in a weird way I think it made the relationship closer? I don't know how considering the subject but it did. I love you. See you in a week, I promise not to do anything stupid.

Ellah

Has your T indicated she minds....or are you just worried she minds?
Are your feelings harmful in any way?

You feel what you feel. You are where you are.

T. In answer to your question, I guess I am out. Your assessment, painful as it is, is probably correct. Let's just forget about me coming back and wash our hands of each other. I'm over the damn drama.

Thanks for your kind text. I love when you tell me you are proud of me.

I want to tell you! I want to tell you what's happening. So much has happened this week. Come back soon.

Okay, one week to go. I can do it!! Right?

Right!!!

I can't even be angry at you t. Because I caused this. It's all my fault my neediness and stupid emotions and i need to tell you I'm out and I can't even do that because I'm afraid to bother you again.

We just emailed about the blurb at the end of your emails. I wish I could say a lot more.

Last session I'm sorry I threw that survey to you and barely said anything. I should have been more polite.

I just had my appointment with my new psychiatrist and I'm really upset. It went badly. Beforehand there was a huge insurance fiasco where the front desk girl told me something wrong and I ended up crying in the lobby for like ten minutes. Then I was supposed to go into that office with the new psychiatrist? You know how nervous I've been about this - we've been talking about this anxiety for months. Now they made me think I wouldn't be able to meet with this lady I've been prepping for, hence the tears. I was so upset.
Then she kept catching me in "lies," except I wasn't trying to lie. I think it's the lithium brain fog that she talked about. In general in life right now I can't remember anything, but in her office I kept contradicting myself. I felt stupid and confused like a really old person. It was very upsetting.
AND THEN she gave me a speech on "calories in, calories expend" as the important part of my weight loss. Ten minutes. She could obviously tell I was upset but kept going. It's so upsetting to me - she's doing the exact same thing that all the general practice doctors do. It's just not true, as so many psych patients know. I HATE speeches like that because of how many times "medical professionals" have told me that weight management is all food and exercise. It's just not.
It was horrible.
And I wish I could talk to you about it.

I wish I could tell you that it was an alright week until yesterday. I wish I could cry in your office about how hurtful it is to swing up and down over and over. We talked about it last session and I just wish I could hear your empathy right now. I wish I could hear in your voice that YOU understand, because you do. You understand more than anyone else in my life because you've had so many clients over the years. I need that. I need to hear that you see that this really does suck.

If you respond to my email about your signature blurb, I think I'm going to write you back with some of this. That appointment this morning was so triggering for me... I could really use some support from the only person who really understands both bipolar and my bipolar.

FM,

Thank you for getting back to me so quickly and for your thoughtful response. I acted on what I thought was best before I received the email and M fine with my decision. You are right that there are times that I can't fix things and it is the nature of systems. I can only do what I do. My need, may be coming from roosters that crow at one and two in the morning and me trying to be on time for my responsibilities on very little sleep. I miss the songs of the frogs.

I understand more now, why Oprah W. has made certain decisions. Do you even know who she is? Lol. Thank you for telling me that it is not incensitive to spend time doing more elaborate things once in awhile and I don't need to deny myself every little or big luxury, including a $4.00 Cadbury candy bar, though I would not spend that much back home because I consider it a big luxury. Please don't remind me about the $10.00 Pennsylvania Dutch chocolate bar. Thank you for reminding me I've also got to do the face-to-face things outside of work. My acquaintances are flying out to an island this weekend, not me, but I will leave out tomorrow for the city and meet up with a new friend I met from Canada and do some museums. I know I'm a nerd. I will get back in time to see Michael Franti (not that you know who he is), before having to get serious again.

Oh by the way, I hit the jackpot for next year. I've got two authors on board and the museum is allowing me to work in one of their offices next year. So I am being productive in other areas. I will pen a joint email to you and KL after I get more details.

I'm glad you're not my therapist anymore. Thank you for the alternative.

I'm being summoned to the evening meal - I'm off!

Love you.

I've only contacted you twice outside of our sessions, by email, and you haven't responded to either of them. It really hurts, because it just reinforces the belief that no one cares about me. I mean, do you only care during the hour I pay you? Do you just stop giving a **** the minute I walk out the door? I'm so confused.

oh my god i miss you, this week is gonna be looooooooong. why can't i come more than once a week? ugh

It felt nice to hear that you think about me outside of session.

I can do this. Single digit days now. A week from Saturday. I hope you haven't forgotten about me.

t, if there is something going on with you, i wish you would just flipping tell me already instead of letting me blame everything on myself. I asked you more than once awhile back when I first thought there was something going on with you and you said there was but that it would be fine. Now I'm thinking there has to be something going on again. This **** is just too off the rails. And I'm left blaming myself for all of it when it might be not me at all. Please respond to my email this evening ok? or tomorrow at least. i feel bad anyway but i'll really feel bad if there's something crazy going on with you that you haven't told me and i made it worse by saying i'm out. i am swimming in waters i have never swam in before. i look to you for help. maybe i shouldn't with this one.

(((Artie))) oh! maybe thats why shes thinking of august off but then worried about abandoning you.

Im sorry things are so mixed up.

It sounds to me like there's a bit of counter transference going on with your T. I think she's being very cruel to you, by not admitting her part in this. I would ask her when you see her to explain herself. I firstly don't think you should be blaming yourself. You are going to therapy for help & support. This doesn't sound to me like help or support that you are getting from your T. Secondly, You shouldn't be made to feel like this. It's not fair. You are spending almost every waking hour stressing. That's not healthy. Just remember Art, you are paying this woman to help you. She needs to explain clearly to you, what's going on.

Oh, Duchess. When the I love you energy is so strong in the room I just wish you would ****ing say it. It never did harm when you said it in the past and I need to hear it again.

so was hoping you would email or text like you said, i guess you forgot. its ok, i understand I'm not memorable

More gifts!! The plant is beautiful but just realizing this is toxic to pets. I'm embarrassed to have to return this to you but my cat chews house plants.

Thank you for today. Gonna be a long 94 hours. I already miss you.

Please respond.

Soon to be ex t, thank you so much for your kind response to my email and for understanding that I am processing a lot of feelings around leaving you. I'm thankful that you're open to letting me work through them and then coming back in a month or so to say goodbye. It's gonna be hard but I want to have that closure and to thank you one last time for everything. It was one hell of a ride, t. One hell of a ride.