Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

Dear Current T --

I seem to be having rather painful sudden pangs of loyalty towards you.

I don't want to keep the two other T appointments I've made.

And, I definitely don't want to tell them about my issues with you.

So, I'm reminding myself that you'll have no such in pangs filling up my spot immediately after telling me how much you'll miss me and how sorry you're to see me go.

And, I'm reminding myself that while you'll be perfectly sincere when you say it, you won't ever forget that it's a business you're running after all.

And, so I'm also reminding myself that if I can find someone better, I should.

Emotions have no place when it's emotions I need to work on.

So, I'll say it here -- I'll miss you too if I choose to leave. And, I will be sorry to not see you anymore.

- AY

you are amazing, this is gonna be a long week until i see you again, an hour is never long enough for the week to be the only person who doesn't treat me like a loser.

Dear MC,
Thanks for talking to me for so long yesterday. It made me feel special and cared for. And also--dare I say it?--loved.
Love you,
LT

I feel better today than I have in a couple of weeks. However, I still need to talk about it as much as I don't want to. Please don't be mad at me.

I miss you. A lot.

Hmmmmmmmmm

You're strange. So strange

But I guess I like it

Dear T,
The reason you said you didn't want to know the length of the phone call with MC isn't because if it was over a certain length, then you'd feel obligated to say something to him about it (or, worse, report him, but I'm sure you'd talk to him first)...is it? Like about him being unethical or something? Just kinda paranoid now, especially when you made such a big deal about how you thought the 25-minute one last month wasn't appropriate? (And this one was longer, but you don't know because you didn't want to.) Do I have to worry now about what I share with you about him? Do I call you and make sure that's not what that comment was about? (Because I don't want it sitting in the folder of emails you keep of mine...) Wouldn't have necessarily crossed my mind except for another thread on here, since you're also a social worker...
LT

T,

I know you're not back in the office until August, but BIG things are happening that I want you to know about. I know I can email you, but I don't want to bother you on your time off. I hope you've thought about me at least once since you've been gone...

Me

As a person still grappling with the consequences of not emailing one time on a break when I should have, over a year ago-- I hope you send the email.

I think that the dynamic between you, your T, and MC is more the concern for T versus MCs behavior. Nothing that you've ever mentioned has led me to believe that MC has acted unethically. Loose boundaries? Sure. I think T is just trying to not engage in the triad. Just my 2 cents.

it has been a day and I'm already struggling, this is gonna be a long week. I'm sorry but no way can i handle 8 days in between for the next month.

Teeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee ?

Thanks, Daisy. That helps to hear.

MC has NEVER said a bad word about T, even when I was really upset with her about something and asked to talk about it for a bit in session. So it's just confusing when T makes some of the comments about him or, say, rolls her eyes when I mention a sports analogy he used in session. I know she's looking out for me as her client (and I'm pretty sure she has some maternal countertransference going on, too, from stuff she's said), but it's awkward for me, especially when, for the most part, I find the outside contact with him to be helpful, not harmful. Does some of what he does maybe intensify the transference/attachment at times? Maybe. But he's also helping me to work through it (and I feel like she hasn't been so helpful with that).

Maybe I need to say something to T about that...how it's confusing and generally not helpful when she's critical of MC...

OK, just to update (this is real-life, not "Dear T"), I just called T's cell, figuring she's usually in session till 6 or 7 and that I could leave message on her voicemail. Nope, she answered (wasn't in session), and I was like, "Uh...T, it's LT." Said I was worried about something she'd said in end of session in connection with a thread on Psych Central. She responded, "ooh, a threat?" I said, "No, not threat, thread, like a topic!" I asked her the thing about MC and NASW rules, and if I told her certain things, would she have to either tell him or report it? Like if she thought it was unethical? And she was like, "Oh, no, no...nothing like that." I said good, because otherwise I'd feel like I'd have to censor myself. She said I was worried about something, took control, and called to ask her about it, so I did good. And that I could relax about it. I thanked her and she headed off to wherever she was going. So, phew!

Hey t. Y'know that text I sent when I was partway home? I almost sent one from your driveway instead asking to come back in for a hug. I'm glad I texted when I did and we at least cyber-hugged haha. Damn it, why am I such a dork?! I wanted a hug so much before I left knowing I won't be back for a month. I should have just said so. Little Art is crying thinking about it. A month looks like a really long time right now. Really dumb considering not long ago I was talking about ending. Jeezo pete I'm messed up.... little Art is feeling punished because of the anger. I know that's not what's going on. It was the honest truth that part of me wants this break. But the part of me that's so attached to you does NOT. I shall hereby name that part Attachment. Attachment is too sad right now to even consider being mad. You really knocked the wind outta me there, t. Attachment does not want the break, and 15 refused to ask for a hug, Anger is still in hiding....I think it's time for an Active Imagination - Ego shall build a campfire and invite Attachment, 15, Anger, Good Little Girl, and Carlos to all sit around the campfire and Ego will stand next to the fire and ask each one of them what they want and we'll have a right round table around the fire.

I just hope they don't try to toss Ego in the fire.

ha ha? I love you way a lot you know. see you in a month.

Kashi can I quit therapy and we can be friends instead? Is it terrible that I think you would make a better friend than therapist?

T,

I can't do this anymore. I've been through this a 1000 times. I'm tired, exhausted. I want to give up. When do I finally get the right to stop fighting?

t, i miss you already. i totally forgot to tell you about the poetry writer's group that i joined. i'm going to a meeting Sunday. well, that'll be on the list of things to tell you when i come back in a month.

i'm struggling with this break you know. because you said you wanted to take august off but couldn't because of other commitments and then you asked if we shoudl take a break and so little me was left thinking oh you just want a break from ME. well maybe you do. maybe you should have one, you said not to use use the 'd' word anymore but it's probably true, you deserve a break from me and i don't deserve to have you at all. oops i used it twice. i need to stop over identifying with little me and comfort her instead. we DO need to take a break and i know that. sigh but i still miss you like crazy already in advance isn't that stupid? i know i'm judging and i don't care. i love you and i miss you and i wish i could stay with you forever. sigh.

I hate me and my life this morning.

Haha, I see the picture "I love you so much" I posted here as the thumbnail in tapatalk. I like it

T - miss you. Hope you're ok.

Hi R,

Thank you for being so very patient with me. As you know, difficult is not the word for the things we are discussing. I'm annoyed with myself at the moment, not just because I didn't get to talking about what I'd hoped in session, but because I've forgotten the question you asked. I said I'd get back to you about it, and now I can't...because I can't remember. Hoping to make progress on Tuesday, but I'm equally wary of ending up in the middle of things, and you're not going to be around to help me clean up the mess. Timing's everything...but I am still grateful that you aren't going anywhere.

See you Tuesday,

Lost

T, I'm not too thrilled with myself right now after that email I sent earlier. What the hell is wrong with me?? I so need to get a handle on this stuff and leave you the heck alone. Why have I suddenly become miss needy pants again?! Wth is this?? It needs to stop NOW.