Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

You know what scares me the most about all of this? What actually in my bones terrifies me? It's that this could actually become the best part of my therapy - if I could just be honest with you and with myself and say now I am at this point of where my deepest work is and I really need to be all-in but I don't know if I trust us to be strong enough to handle this bit. Do I have the guts to admit this to you after everything that's happened? I suppose I had to go through this ridiculousness to actually figure this out, which totally sucks, and it may even be too late even if I did tell you. I don't know what to do. I wish someone could just tell me what to do, please. I don't want to be an adult right now.

I guess we'll see how I feel a month from now.

I'm tired of living in constant fear

You can do this capt... We can.

"Well so you think that it's all over
And you know it's gone to stay
Oh oh after stormy weather
Does the sun shine every day?"

I love this, Art...never listened to much Journey before. Might have to start.

RoboT,

I've spent 4 weeks in an ebb and flow of needing and not needing you. I thought that the closer I got to our next appointment I got, the more I'd want to talk to you.

I find that I'm in the opposite place. I'm too busy to cry on the couch with you. I don't have an hour for me right now.

I may extend our vacation until after school starts. You would say okay I guess. It's not like you'd force me to come in. I kind of want you to tell me that self-care is important and I need to make time for myself, and part of that is therapy.

But I'm not sure when you're "back." I didn't ask. I was too preoccupied. So...I don't know what I'll do.

-Daisy

Hi R,

I'm not sure what I'm freaking out about more at this point: the things we have to talk about, or the prospect of bringing them out into the open, and then my having to spend three weeks not talking about them.

On a related note, I'm going to ask you to write the words on a post-it or something that I can keep. 'I'm with you' has been an important aspect of our work. It will continue to be, of course, but I am useless at asking for what I need.

Three more sleeps...

Today is not a good day

Hi L. I don't know whether to say T or Ex T or Soon to be ex T so L it is.

I did a lot of thinking just now while swimming. Trying to imagine the phone call (that's still a month away I'm such a big dork) when I ask to schedule the goodbye session. That is, if I even still want to at that point / or unless I ask to come back but for a fixed amount of time. I don't know what I want right now.

I guess I still have a lot of thinking to do about what I want. I have a very hard time knowing what I want as opposed to just wanting what others want or what I think they want me to want. I did decide that I wanted to go back to school and I've done that, so there's one point for me anyway. Now to figure out what I want where therapy is concerned.

But I know now what triggered me when I got so angry that day. It was you saying that I was being "childish" for wanting to end. I'm almost positive that you didn't mean it to sound like it did, I think you unintentionally used the wrong word, but that was the trigger. It was my mother all over again when I was little telling me to grow up, to stop being childish, ridiculing me instead of trying to understand my feelings. I can't tolerate it when you 'become' her and I just lost it. Thankfully it is a very rare occurrence. I wonder what the next 30 days is going to bring. How I will feel about all of this then. Maybe I'll have already moved on from you.

(And pigs will be flying, and the lion shall lay down with the lamb, and all that.)

oh goddess I love you so much.

I have a feeling you are not over-reacting. Also, T's in general take things pretty seriously, and you truly seem to not be the type to cause drama.

I'm so grateful you'll stay in touch with me over the next month while I get set up with the new T, but I miss you so much already. You've been so available, so kind, what will I do when you're not there? You say the new person will be able to help me in the same way, but that is not true. No one will ever be like you.

The urge to SH is early tonight. It doesn't usually hit until 11.

Had words with a friend because she made presumptions about me. 'She heard some unusual stories that were spread about town. 'Wonder why she believed stories instead of asking me what happened? Reminds of how you made assumptions without asking.

I just keep getting hit over and over and over and over again.

M.

Things are not good right now.

I'm not me. I can't find "me".

You are going on vacation week after next. I'm so truly happy that you are. I will miss you that Monday. I hope that's ok to say.

There have been times that something has come up for you and you needed to reschedule for that Thursday. I hope that i get that email to reschedule for Monday. That would make it easier for me right now.

I don't want to be so dependent on you, but right now you are the only one that hears me and understands.

I don't like feeling like this!!

Maybe it's a sign of good things? I don't know.

The tears never came. They are there behind my eyes.

This is so stupid, but a part of me feels that if I do cry, and you are there to witness it with compassion and understanding, then I owe you something.

That is so screwed up, but I guess that is me right now. It feels pretty numb and two whole weeks feels like an eternity.

It's going to be ok. Right?

Trail

LGBT T,

I haven't mustered the courage to schedule the second appointment yet...

I want to SH but..... I can't and it's making the need worse. Am I supposed to text you at a time like this or am I supposed to what.... I don't know anymore.

Dear Therapist,

I know that you lied about a relative passing away in your family and having to leave out of town. And just like that, what little trust remained, vanished into thin air.

I still remember shaking your hand. You remember where you were when you first got my message. We both agreed just a few weeks ago that we were lucky to find each other in this therapist-client relationship.

How did we get here? Why have things changed? Is it because you're expanding your practice? I'm so proud of you doing bigger and better things, but I feel like you've lost me in the shuffle; our connection had waned, but I didn't want to complain. I knew in that very first session that you were the therapist for me...where does that moment in time go? Does it stay floating somewhere in your old office, lingering, hoping to be recaptured? Was it ever real?

I have to let you go. I want to tell you what I know, but I know that I just want to let it all fade away.

I texted you.
No reply.
Go, figure.
I
Do
Not
Understand
Our
Relationship
Anymore

All it does is confuse the hell out of me...

Hang in there ellahme. You can do it. We're on the couch if you need us

3 days to go till I see you, really trying to hang in there, really trying to stay strong and to not fall apart, but it's slowly eating at me and I keep thinking how to a get through 3 days when I'm struggling to get throigh 3 minutes!
Everything just seems wrong, ruined and hopeless! I've fought this all before and I've won but why does it just come back again and again, why should I have to fight, why is nothing just simple!

Hi T,

I need you... I hate that you're having such an influence on me, but your presence helps.
I'm so scared.

40hours to go.

Dear MC,
Was just watching Good Will Hunting, and the Robin Williams character makes me think of you. Not appearance-wise or anything, but a bit unconventional and very caring. Plus the whole wounded healer thing. Pretty sure I'd have had strong paternal transference for him, too...
Love you,
LT

Dear T,

You were terrific and really understanding yesterday. Now I am nervous about next week. Thank you for understanding me.

L, I am reaching out to others and sharing my struggling and gaining support and some new perspective on things and as of right now, I think I am still hoping for a goodbye session, I need to feel closure, I need to know we're parting amicably. You and this relationship have just been so important to me, and I am too close to the situation to see it properly, so other input helps tremendously. Love, me