Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

Dear T,
I'm actually very upset about you not making time for me today. I said it was fine and that it didn't matter but we both know that's not true. You finally gave me permission last night to see the other guy, just for today because I NEEDED that time, but it was too late. I called you on Wednesday afternoon, why did you wait so long to call? Now I'm left all alone to deal with this weekend and it hurts. The other guy was going to come in early or stay late for me...why didn't you do that? Why would you rather me go into this alone than adjust your time a bit? It makes me wonder if T 2 was in fact right about you not caring (or having regard even). I was supposed to be on your schedule today anyway, you messed up, and you didn't fix it. Why?

Hi????????

Damn, I am anxious and hurting. I hate this.

STBXT: I may still post here for awhile. I am obsessed now with understanding what the hell happened with us. I do not know how to forgive myself. It is not in my vocabulary.
I want to talk to you but I can't. I'm sorry I told you that the little girl felt exiled. I feel like all I do is tell you I'm sorry anymore. I'm sure you don't even believe it anymore. I am trying really hard not to hate myself. I told you one time this past winter that i want more of you than i can have. you didn't understand what i meant. or, you pretended not to. i love you. still. even after all this stupid craziness. you hate me now i'm sure, but i still stupidly love you. but we need this time and distance. i don't know what will happen in a month. maybe you will change your phone number and email address so i can't contact you as you said i could. maybe you'll move away and not tell me. maybe you're sick and didn't tell me and will die before then. I don't know. my mind is going wacko. i've had too much wine to drink already this evening. how can i be spelling everything right i don't know.

M.....

Why does this hurt so much

RoboT,

I feel odd. I feel very disconnected from you. There's a part of me that likes the disconnection, because maybe that means I won't be destroyed when we terminate in December. Maybe I'm not emotionally attached to you anymore.

But then there's a part of me that misses that connection. Experts say that it's the alliance that's the best predictor of whether or not therapy will be effective. Can I still make progress if I feel this way?

I don't have answers, only questions. Maybe we can answer them together next Saturday.

I was/am scared enough that I took extra meds

I wish I had a time machine that we could go back to like, May and just do over the past 2 months.

Please don't hate me?

Duchess,

Now. Now, while I'm away. Now is when you send that one word that you stopped saying when texting boundaries changed? Now? For Pete's sake why did anything have to change in the first place if we're back to square one 7 months later....

Confusingly, EM

FM,

You told me my instinct was correct, which was the same as yours. Thank you for helping me understand I did not need to succumb to the loudest herd members or to even stay with the same herd. Like my family it left me in more chaos a heavier price to pay. I missed out on what I wanted and needed. They don't all have my best interest in mind. I'm glad I TRUSTED you enough to bring it all to you. And now I can trust myself, but still run by others, including you or KL.

I had a nice day yesterday and now I am off to the museum and lunch.

I've been looking for a new therapist for a long time. I'm the kind of person who doesn't give up easily but I'm getting to my breaking point.

Why are weekends harder, another day closer but feels so far away

i miss you and i am trying hard not to contact you out of session, even though its ok, i just don't wanna become too much.

I have arranged fostering for Fred whilst i get sorted. No matter what happens i will ensure i can provide for him.

Dear MC,
Had a dream last night where you were telling me and H that you and your wife slept in separate rooms when you moved to your current house, but it was just because there were lots of rooms. Like, there was no other reason. But I think you said you slept better that way. Not sure why you told us that, except maybe to make us feel better that we don't sleep in the same room? Definitely not mentioning this dream to you in real life... It was nice seeing you in my dream though!
Love,
LT

You think I'm a f***ing idiot, for sure.

Me too.

You may be many things, but i dont think anyone thinks you're an idiot.

You are not an idiot. But I understand all too well the feeling that t thinks it - I'm certain mine thinks I am an idiot right now. Equally as certain that she is right in my case. I'm sorry you're feeling this. (((Luc)))

Dear T
Guess your vacation is over.

I could schedule on Monday... But i chose Friday. As usual.

So...see you in 138 hours?

Miss you
Love you

Hey I mmm

Hey

Tooooo looong
i can't

Hi T

I'm at a really bad place. I wish I could text you. I need you to tell me what to do.

Call the crisis line - What if they hang up?
Go to the crisis center - What if they tell me that I'm overreacting? Or if you'll end up thinking I overreacted?
Try emailing you and hope that you read your mails on a weekend?

And then, you're leaving for vacation soon... It'd be manipulative to be in a bad state now. Urgs.

((Munie))

I think you should call the crisis line or go to the crisis center... No-one will think you're over-reacting. I don't think you're the over-reacting type... the opposite in fact.

I'm so alone. I want to sit on your couch and cry.
I can't I can't I can't