Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

It'll be 5 weeks between tomorrow's session and the session that follows. How do you expect me to do this?

That is a long time!! Why the long break?

dear 'dear t' thread constituents: I apologize in advance for the insane amount of posting I am likely going to start doing here.

He's going on vacation.

dear t: where is this sudden neediness coming from now that we have started the termination thing? bah humbug.

The distress I am feeling over you not believing me is intense

Oh T, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

I cried-texted you this afternoon, and now just cried-emailed you like a loser.

I hate myself. I really, REALly want to self-harm.

I want to give up. Really bad.

It's okay Velcro. It's not a death sentence and the good thing is its reversible

I know. I also hate myself because I've known for months/years, that I treat my body like ****. I have lived mostly in denial about it because I am not overweight, so I'm all like "I'M FINE," when in reality, it clearly caught up to me.

And the self-hatred part of me (which is like 87% of me) wants to give up. Eff it all, you know?

Is BT a different kind of therapist?
I am sorry you are rejected.

Yeah she is a body work/energy therapist . Who apparently doesn't do "emotional theraoy" even though we have been doing a combo of emotional therapy and bidy work for the past 18 months.

But now she has decided she doesn't do that and we can't work togetger anymore.

The worst part is my T really likes her and already suggested in a texr that maybe i am overreacting and BT must be acting out of love. If my T doesn't believe me and won't take my side its going to devastate me

I'm finally starting to feel really comfortable around you and I think I might be able to talk to you about anything. You have never failed me and I know I'm slow and I'm sorry it's taking me this long I just hope you don't quit on me in the process, there is still more I want to talk about even though I avoid it and worry it's not important

t, thank you so very much for the heartfelt response to my poem earlier. that was so much more helpful than even you could know. i'll be ready to start talking about 'this' next time i promise.

Are you exist? Are you still my T? Do you hate me?

I miss you. I love you.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

A little less than 4 hours until I see you. Is it too late to cancel?

I need a sign, that all will be ok and you believe in me and are not mad at me

I don't think I can quote bc your post was too brief but no unaluna, injuries not a factor. I posted sbout it in the in session today thread but compact version is

Apparently BT doesn't normally do the type of nurturing emotional stuff she did with me. Usually just massage, reiki, etc.

She did it with me anyway because she was "exploring branching out into different types of healing " her words.

I got very attached bc maternal transference, nurturing, etc

Then she decided it wasn't working bc i was attached. And bc it's "not what she does" Then i got hurt with my arm and since injuries really mess me up bc of stuff my mom did my transference really peaked and we had a blow out and she fired me.

That is all.

Ps "that's not what she does " even though she had been doing it with me for 18 months

T,

manic, manic, manic, manic

You've never seen me this way, have you? Nope. I recently switched from Seroquel to Rexulti, and yeah... Woohoo!

I'm going to crash and burn, though... like really, really badly! (I hope the suicidal thoughts dissipate quickly when they happen.) I'm at the point where I'm going to start hallucinating again... but I can't sleep it off because I'm not tired!

So I take all of that back about feeling happy. Mania is scary! Last time I had psychosis, I almost ran away to go live with nature and all the animals! (I was going to make all of them my friends and learn how to speak squirrel. lol.) OMG.

Sorry, i deleted my question after i saw your explanation of what happened in the In Session thread.

Some thoughts:

I was surprised that you contacted her from the ER. Why would you call one dr when you were trying to see another dr, re her role as dr. And why wouldnt you call your spouse before her?

So she was unavailable to you for an emergency, kinda with reason, cuz to me that looks like she would be at least 4th or 5th down on the list. I dont understand your hurt.

But then im kinda aspergery. When i went to the ER with a stroke, i only called my t because i was going to miss my appointment the next day. He kinda laughed at me, but gave me support i didnt even know was available.

Ive gone to the ER lots of times without calling anyone. I sit there and wait. I dont understand what you wanted from her.

When you said you emailed her, and "she could answer it or not", you probably hurt her feelings? She saw that you were using her as a mother figure to get nurturance from and to show anger to, but did not see her as a real person.

So it was probably the acting out AFTER the initial call from the ER that damaged the relationship, where you expected her to act like your full-on t, and she rejected that role, not so much you, imo. That role is a big one - maybe she was doing smaller parts of it before?

I didn't call her, I just texted her. As in "send some healing energy. A horse kicked me in the arm and i might have broken it" My spouse was already with me. I DO see her as a real person , but she is inconsistent which makes the transference feelings powerful. It's not as if I WANTED to act our, it's just the nature of the relationship created incredibly powerful feelings. It was like a trauma flashback, except in a relationship .

I'm sure you are right about rejecting the role. Which is probably smart on her end

It's easy for you to dictate this, that and the other but You are not there for the results!! You disappear into your wonderful world and leave the dregs in life to fend for themselves after you've taken away evertything from them.

5th/6th grade teacher,
School counselor,
T I had as a child

You destroyed my life. I would have been perfectly fine without you and your stupid nonsense questions.


Dear ex-T,
Yeah... at least you didn't make things worse

T,
Stop making me question all the good memories of my family. My family is and always has been perfectly fine. Yes, we are weird (and I'm obviously the weirdest one). But noone has ever done anything wrong. Ever.

So, uh, I think I might have anger issues