Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

i miss u lots.

Duchess,

Please for the sake of everything living - make up your mind. You're either going to be enmeshed and too close or you're going to be rigid and ridiculously closed off (which we both know you can't do) so how about you stop trying to be whatever you're trying to do and go back to how things were. It wasn't damaging to me or confusing me, or keeping me from progression.... this whatever you're doing has I high probability of doing the former......

EM

Thanks, Blue. That's really sweet of you.

I just have this idea that if T thinks I'm ugly, my feelings about him are even more wrong, even more shameful. Like he'll be laughing at me behind my back, or disgusted, or... I dunno. It's not a rational thing, really. Of course it isn't.

J,

I had a good day, but I'm struggling this evening. I'm randomly getting intrusive images of S (Ex-T) being other peoples' therapist in Arizona. It hurts. It hurts because he said no to me. Because he doesn't want to be my therapist. Which feels like he's saying he doesn't want to take care of me. Which feels like a parent saying I don't want to take care of you. He told me that he has no emotional reserve to be there for me emotionally. But, he will be there for his new clients. And that's all I wanted. I would've paid for it for forever. But for whatever reason, he doesn't think I'm worth it. Or maybe I just had my turn and he thinks that's enough. I feel replaced. So replaced. On Tuesday, we were talking about how being in Arizona will mean new women to date, and he interjected "and no, you're not going to be replaced," because in the past, I've expressed that I fear him dating will = my being replaced/forgotten -- except his ex, who he was with when I met him -- because I knew who he was with her. It scared me when they broke up. But anyways. I feel replaced anyways. I'm going to be forgotten. I want my mom. I want my mom. My mom doesn't want me. I want S. I want S. S doesn't want me.

I want to cut. I hurt. I want to cut. If I cut... maybe someone will help me. If I cut, the pain will be real will be visible will matter.
It doesn't matter if I matter to everyone else
If I don't matter to S, I don't matter
That's how I feel
I know that's not about S
It's got to be about my parents
If I didn't matter to them, I didn't matter period, right?

I don't know how to get S OUT of that spot in my life. And he keeps talking about being my parent. But that's not fair. You can't treat me like I'm your kid one second and then treat me like I need to be able to accept not looking to you for anything the next... I can't be both... I can't do this I can't be both. You're not my parent, I'm not your kid, you've made that clear, so it's not fair to keep randomly treating me like your kid in unfair ways -- like not giving me closure sessions "for my own good" and not telling me what your new job is "for my own good" and on and on and on "for my own good," but it's NOT it's NOT in my best interest it wasn't in my best interest, and I'm not your kid, you don't get to decide these things for me!

My eating disorder voice is back. I'm not going to tell you because you'll say it's psychosis. It's not she just wants me to be the best I can be. I know it's not healthy but I'm going to run with it. Lets see where this goes.

I want to scream
and scream
and scream
until someone hears me
until someone cares
until I'm not alone
I feel so alone
I feel entirely alone without S, and I hate it I hate it I hate it, because I know it's not true, but it feels true
I'm scared of you leaving on this trip, J
I'm scared of S moving away this weekend
I'm scared that everyone is leaving, and I will be alone
The little kid in me is in a panic
Desperate to stop S from moving desperate for it to not be true... but it is... and I can't stop it... she can't stop it... it doesn't matter how much it hurts me, how much I cry or beg or plead, it doesn't matter... I have no say, no control
I work so hard to be in control. Of everything.
But I cannot control this.
I cannot control when people leave me.
I cannot control when other people change.
I can't do anything about this. To stop it. To change it.
It feels like this pain will never stop. And I want to die. To make it stop. To not have to deal with this. To not experience this ever again.
I'm sick thinking about these upcoming weeks.
I'm sick thinking about your being gone.
I'm tired. It's exhausting. Living is exhausting.

Yep.. should have ignored your email. This is the beginning of the end.

hey t. i've been staying off PC lately but I needed to put this somewhere so I wouldn't email it to you so here it is. this evening was a bit of a train wreck, i must say. i wanted to sit in front of you today and feel strong and celebrate a little, before we get to much farther into the difficult work of separating from each other. but you made me start feeling it and i wasn't ready to share that just yet damn you and i got frustrated and began acting out like a brat. especially after you said that you had started grieving the loss.

At least we managed to set the date for our ending. November. After we've reached the 6 year mark. that is pretty much what I had been thinking, so i was glad you were in agreement there. I am just weird like that. i want to be able to say we made it 6 years ha ha.

leaving you is gonna be the hardest thing i've done in a very long time.

Hi Dr. S,

I don't know if it's your email, writing up the session notes, talking things out with a friend, or just what was processed through in session... I feel better.. much better. And... I love you - yeah that's back. I hope this means we've turned this corner in this rupture - I don't/didn't like it. I hope cares through tomorrow .. all the way to Monday.

I also seem to have my eating more under control the last few days. That feels good too.

bests,
me

This sounds like rainbows recent post, and i felt this way so much with my ts. Thing is, my family really did laugh at me behind my back, and was disgusted - but they usually tried to hide it from me, and i mostly tried to believe better of them.

I kinda resolved it by saying, well are you going to let ignorant people decide the rest of your life for you? Even if they are your family?

I'm seeing a structure.

Hi R,

I'm feeling impossibly raw after our work yesterday. I knew it would stir things up, but ye gods...I wasn't expecting this. If I hadn't redirected last week, we could have started then, and I might have stood a chance of being alright this weekend. That didn't happen, now I'm battling with everything cranked up to an 8 or a 9...

Six more sleeps until we can address a little more.

Lost

Dear t,

The thing I told you that you said wasn't a problem is keeping me up at night, and is starting to interfere with my sleep. I don't know if its really a problem or I'm just crazy but could you help me either way.

Feels like you've been gone 3 years. So much has happened well not really. I don't even know if ur alive.

Are you planning on avoiding this too?

can u send me a sign or message, like smoke signals or a butterfly slapping me in the face

so i know youre alive and okay

Thank you for your text, roboT. I really needed to be reminded about our session tomorrow. Not like I'm actively dreading it or anything

Even though I realize now why I was acting out last evening, I wish I could have a do-over. Sigh. Thanks for not tossing me out on my rear.

Just had to say I love the image of a butterfly slapping you in the face. Like, "Oh, what a pretty monarch--" WHACK!

Don't worry T, I won't bother you any more. We will keep this to the bare minimum that it has to be. You definitely said that word. Now your saying that it isn't that. The last straw of........something (not hope but maybe happiness) that I was holding onto, broken.

I didn't realise that you not wanting to continue was even on the cards, but the fact that you said that you did want to makes me feel like you not wanting to was actually a possibility. Hmmmm.

This is tough isn't it. I wish I had never brought it all up. This is why I stay silent. This is why I don't share. This is why I isolate.

I think I will go back to that place. It is easier. It is safer. It hurts me and others less.

Thanks.

Dear T.

I am doing a rewind. Focussing on the first one. That's the one that was realm and intense and probably worth seeing through.

Sorry for the confusion.

Me

No T. Things aren't "challenging" with BT. She is DONE with me. Don't fricking gas light me! I'm not just feeling rejected. I AM rejected

I hated you on Wednesday, I love you now. I think I can't let go. I need to expore this. To learn from it. But I feel attached now. And I think about you too often. But I know your limits now. Still, something in me will never let go of what she wants...I cannot accept that.

How do we do this, t? I want an instruction manual!!

I wanted to call you soooooo badly today!! But I would not let myself. We sorta talked about that attitude last night - I forgot in what context - but about how I often say "but I couldn't let myself". And I think perhaps that was part of the problem last night is that I couldn't let myself FEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLL what I was feeling. I would not let myself call you today because I need to get used to being out here in the world without you as my safety net. Gotta be my own safety net. And that was all going very well until I came there yesterday, for pete's sake. No wonder people just cut and run and skip this whole "termination" thing. It sucks right now. I know I told you I wouldn't cut and run, and I won't, because even though it sucks right now, I still believe in honoring the work that we have done together by talking through our feelings about separating. You said it yourself last night - we've known each other for a long time, going on 6 years.

Why did you ask me if yesterday was my last session?! Did you really think I would do that?!

Dear T,
I'm worried about how much I think about you. I have a number of close male friends and colleagues and, when i started seeing you, I didn't consider the implications of choosing a straight, male therapist around my age. I know that neither you nor I will do anything inappropriate, but I still feel like I'm infatuated with you. It feels like a threat to my marriage, even though my marriage is strong. When I start talking about this, you say nothing. You change the topic, and you seem not to acknowledge any comment I make about how much I think about you. I wonder if we can have intimacy without dependency.