Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

hey t. i found my boxes of therapy journals and our first session ever was november 10, 2011. so that means our last session will probably be november 15 unless we change days again. i have this funny thing like i said last time i want to make it to the 6 year mark. i have a whole list of questions and thoughts about each one of them for next time.

T-

I am having all of these avoiding type feelings.. after the emails? I for some reason feel like I did something wrong and I don't want to come in on Friday and deal with it. Even though, I think you owe me the apology.

M.

No one has ever told me that I was incredible before.

It completely took me off guard. I really didn't know how to reply except to say, "Thank you" and that sounds like a really stupid reply.

I wish I had enough of myself there to say how incredible we think you are!!

Thank you!

I don't want to admit that I'm enjoying this meditation thing, because it's kind of woo woo hippie dippie for me, but I do feel calmer after I take a few minutes.

When are you going to do the right thing? It's been a long time...after all the damage you caused....I deserve a response...I'm waiting...

Hugs. That school counsellor really didn't help.

As for current T, gentle hugs to you. The TW stuff is my story, you don't have to read it if you don't want to.

What happened to you RaisingKay? Sounds painful

I'm going to stop taking my zyprexa. It's best I go down this road on my own. I'll see you once a month like you wanted me to last time.

Oh god....

You ok junk?

I am so very many kinds of broken.

Me too.

This, T, is why I do not let anger into my being.

I am f***end up. You just didn't realise how much until now. You will never understand me T. How do you think I can possibly rest with all of this going on inside me. I don't think you understand how all consuming this is.

I am sorry that I dragged you into this. Or did you drag me into it?

I hate me.

Yes

Dear No. 3,

So long
Farewell
Auf wiedersehen
Goodbye...

ATAT

RoboT,

I hate that I'm attached to you. The fear of attachment part of me wants to test your loyalty to me. I want to put you through hell the next time I see you to see if you really do care like you say you do. I mean, if you cared, you wouldn't have left me like this, right?

But here's the thing: I recognize that's why I'm upset with you. I want to force you to push me away so that you fit into my narrative that everyone will eventually leave me. Because who could ever really care about me?

So here's me saying that I'm going to fight against the urge. I don't want to fight you. I don't want to try to make you leave. I'm going to accept that no ones life revolves around me but my own. I can't control what you may or may not do. But what I can do is recognize that you have not done anything to truly violate my trust in you. When you have pushed the boundaries, you've apologized appropriately.

You said that you'd see me on the 29th of July. You said you'd bring photos from your vacation. I just need to trust that you're being honest.

Is...is this progress? I can't tell.

Daisy

PS, I'm convinced I have BPD after listening to a podcast about it last night, but I doubt that you'd have this conversation with me. You don't "put stock into diagnoses." But I wish you would. Because I feel like I need the truth.

me again t. i'm thinking about all the many things you've said that have been so helpful and i'm trying to compile a top 10. But i think the #1 most powerful thing you ever said to me that really really made my healing begin in earnest - was the day you said to me so sincerely "Art, you are not broken."

Dear BB's T:

Please tell BB that she is not broken.
Sincerely,

Art and Art's T

DM-

You've started talking about your other client's again. I know you're doing it to avoid talking about yourself and your family with me so you don't get (heaven forbid) too close to me ..... again. It's annoying me. I wish instead of talking about them you talk about you or nothing at all....

EM

Nvmd.............

I am really sorry that I am so difficult. I am so confused about the truth. You are telling me it is normal to cry and my parents hit me with belts for crying. You are telling me that what my cousin done was wrong but he keeps telling me I better not tell anyone. I am scared to give you anymore details because I don't know what would happen if he found out I told you what he done. What if I slip and tell him I am in therapy. It really scares me. I don't want to do EMDR because I don't want to talk to any of this to anyone else. I just can't.

How interesting! My T has said that to me before, I did not find it helpful or reassuring at all.

I am still paying a high price for having met you. When will my sentence ever be over? When are you going to do the right thing by me and fix what you've done?

Maybe you're having too much fun exploiting me is that it? How long is it going to continue? Why did I have to meet so many disgraceful people?

Must be a common T quote, mine has said it too... It was nice to hear, but I still felt broken

Pdoc,

So... Your way of talking makes me feel like I should be able to just easily change everything. To sleep less. To not have nightmares. To ignore the few symptoms other people can see. Am I exaggerating so much? Do I appear so manipulative? Why don't you believe me? Is SH actually not worth mentioning and that's why you keep forgetting? I must do something wrong.

Believe me, I'd change those things immediatly if I knew how. I'm glad you don't wanna prescribe 10000 of meds. Just... I know there are meds that could help me cope day by day and I really wish you'd give me those.

Ok Dr. S today is the day. Our last day at the clinic. Do I ask for what I want, do I just accept what is given? How do I find the courage to ask for what I want when I only have 50 mins to get there? I don't want to feel what I am feeling - which is what I consider the verge of a panic attack. 7.5 hours to go. Sigh, gulp.

I feel the little boy, lost and afraid. I see me, in my adult body, behaving as I do when I feel this way, so pulled into myself, not looking or seeing the world, self soothing through touch and repetitive movement. I can see how lost and sad I look. I don't know how to engage the other parts yet when these feelings are so intense.

Don't leave me alone here like she did. Please take care of me today and help me understand what these feelings are, help me learn how to come back from them, and not get trapped in them.

I love you, I'm scared to trust you, will you be there for me?
-E