Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how. Part XXV

I'm going to miss you, but you're going a lot of fun places on vacation. I hope you have fun.

Interesting stuff in me head t

I'm so sorry, I hope you don't hate me or I haven't ruined everything

T,
I know I told you last time that I hated my ED and I wanted to get better. But I changed my mind, I love my ED, I never want to recover.
I don't want to lie to you. But I'm afraid if I tell you the truth, you will say someething like "I can't treat someone who doesn't want to get better," or worse, make me go to ED inpatient treatment or something.
I just want to have my ED in peace, and still get to be with you. I hope those aren't mutually exclusive.
Love, Annie

I gave you 'me' on Friday and I felt like you just tossed me out with the trash, so to speak.

Your ED will kill you

hey t. i hate that i was acting out so badly when i was there on thursday. but i've figured out where it was coming from, i understand it now, so i'm going to forgive myself and let it go and continue moving forward. i can't let myself get 'stuck' there! it's all part of my process, right? and this termination thing is a process in and of itself. i don't like that word, i prefer to call it 'ending' or 'wrapping up' but i keep using the proper word anyway, because i have to to make it stay real. we've shifted gears, but i haven't caught up to that shift just yet. next time i'm there i think i wanna talk about this little part of me that's angry at you for letting me go, even though ultimately i'm the one who made the decision. that little part of me i suppose wanted you to make me stay. and that's where the snooty version of you in that one dream came from huh. my psyche is completely all over the place with this ending!! i guess that's to be expected. like you said, we've known each other a long time. i was sitting outside last night trying to figure out how to start grieving the loss of 'us' because i know i need to - while i can still process it with you - but i didn't even know where to begin. i sat there, thinking about not seeing you anymore, but i couldn't quite feel it. this morning i figured something out. you've been asking me really good/hard questions for the past 5.5 years, right? so i must have learned something about asking those kinds of questions. so i should come up with a couple to ask myself and maybe that will help me. somehow i can know that i am sad about leaving, but i'm excited too, and it's hard to grieve amidst excitement?! i don't know. i'm just trying to be perfect, and there's no such thing as perfect. have i learned nothing? haha. it will be an interesting couple of weeks until i see you again that's for sure.

okay, i do not know how to start grieving the loss of 'us' before it's actually here. maybe you can clue me in on this on 7/5 if I haven't figured it out before then.

I am having an awful time these past two days with today (Sunday) being the worst. I'm writing here so I won't call you at midnight. Awful. Bad depression, exhausted, wrung out. Crying. Wondering how much of this is due to the slight med change.

I think I'm just exhausted after finding more household issues that continue and continue. I think things are better, then it continues. I'm exhausted, there is no rest, DD is so sick, I'm sick. It's too much. Toooo much.

I can ask for help but that would require me to follow through, and I'm exhausted.

I'm just going to sit here.

Dear Dr. S, After several days about being excited to see you on Monday, now I'm not so sure. I'm scared because of being embarrassed by my behavior over this last month. I'm not scared/feeling unsafe with you anymore. And well it will be our last day in the windowless room. See you tomorrow.
With love,
me.

I know but I'm addicted to it... sometimes I want it to kill me.

Dear T, I made it, the first week of your holiday. Yay me! I just breathe and let myself miss you and remember that one that misses something that is not lost is actually happy because she has something worth missing.

Why in the world would you do this to me??? WHY?????????

T, you're scaring me. What on earth did that email mean? It feels like a foreboding... of what?
My mind automatically goes to you reporting the abuse. I don't think you know this but I will not survive that.
What the hell is happening???

What do you have to offer me. That is a rhetorical question. Nothing, is the answer.

Dear MC,
In my dream last night, I totally forgot about our appointment and didn't realize it until hours later. Granted, there was a lot going on in that dream, so it kinda makes sense that I forgot. But I'm pretty sure, unless there was some sort of emergency going on, or if we rescheduled the appointment for a strange time, I guess, that I'd never just forget about an appointment with you. I almost want to apologize for dreaming about it--how pathetic is that?

That said, still not sure which thing to talk about today, assuming H doesn't have anything pressing. More stuff about D? Stuff about the transference? Or dare I bring up the physical intimacy with H stuff that I talked about with T a couple weeks ago? Guess I'll just see how I feel when I get there...and how much I feel like staring at the rug, which is where I tend to look if we discuss physical intimacy--certainly not at you...I guess that makes sense because of the whole paternal transference thing.

Anyway, hope to see you in 2 hours to talk about...something.

Love,
LT

Thanks for listening to me about my bug paranoia today. I was freaking the f_ck out ever since I found a few in my room.

I'm so scared of bugs that I "felt" them crawling through my hair, even though I know it's a tactile hallucination due to paranoia.

I'm a bit upset that you didn't give me suggestions on how to stop these hallucinations and the paranoia. I even admitted that I took two showers and washed all my clothes TWICE, and washed my hands for 6 minutes straight, all to make sure I had no bugs on me. Then all you did was say my reaction was overkill! At least give me suggestions. I keep getting these hallucinations even at work right now.

F_ck bugs! I want to scorch the earth to eradicate all the bugs!

I've had dreams like that too when I'm afraid of missing my therapist appointment.

I keep worrying about the appointment all night long just before bed, and then I dream about it because I'm afraid I won't hear my alarm and that I'll wake up too late.

I actually told my therapist about that dream once. She said "it happens" because to anxiety, and she told me to call her if I ever had anxiety like that and if it bothers me. She told me she is more than willing to help me with that anxiety. So that's something you could think about.

Dear T,
I'm not ready for moving out my parents house. I know it's so hard for me!
yesterday I was thinking about it and I had anxiety attack.
And you are on vacation... and when you come back, I can't afford extra sessions!
and I miss you already!

T: I get why you had to cancel tonight, but it still sucks.

Why did you have to be so lovely today? What are you doing to me?! FFS T.

Sick of this.

Thanks for your response. I did mention the dream to him briefly today, but just offhandedly. And I jokingly apologized for missing the dream appointment. He asked if I'd given 24 hours notice, and I said, "Nope, I just totally forgot about it!"

I tend to have anxiety about missing appointments with him. I know it's partly due to attachment/paternal transference, but also because he had to cancel at the last minute frequently back when his wife was sick. Sadly, she passed away 6 months ago, but I still worry about him canceling--likely abandonment fears, even though I trust that we'd schedule again (especially since we have a regular time now, which we didn't have at one point). Once he even told us as we walked into session that he could only stay 20 minutes (he didn't charge us). Plus I keep thinking if our daughter is sick, we'd have to cancel (we missed that by one day a couple months ago, when school called for us to pick her up).

I don't generally have the same worries with my individual T, though. She very rarely cancels. I do worry a bit about missing an appointment, because once, I had the time written down wrong. She called when I wasn't there, said I could still come in because she didn't have anyone right after me, so I raced over there and still got pretty much a full session. So now I double-check times with her sometimes. But I don't worry about *her* canceling (watch, now she'll cancel Wednesday's appointment!)

Part of me feels like I should bring up the cancellation fears with MC, but I don't want to bring up stuff about his wife, so maybe I'll just talk about it with T instead.

Dear MC,
Homework complete! If I wake up in the middle of the night having nightmares about Meat Loaf, I'm calling you!
Love,
LT

hey t, well i was feeling pretty emotional last night about ending. some tears came again. i was reminded by someone on the forums that grief isn't all sadness and about the stages of grief i know there's 5 and so far i've experienced some anger and some sadness, i suppose there was a little denial thrown in there at first too because i sat there the first day we talked about it pretending i didn't feel anything... (eta this evening, I am feeling very settled about it and I know fully in my heart that it's right.)

in one sense it feels kinda wrong calling it 'grieving' when we are both still very much alive, but... it is, because it's a loss for both of us, for me it's a loss of a relationship that has been so profoundly healing and transforming. i don't know what it's like for you. but that's one of the questions i'll have for you next time. i have a bunch of questions actually about how we proceed from here. and i have some thoughts about how i would like it to go. i still want us to do a sand tray together. maybe we can do that next time while i ask all my questions. or maybe closer to the last session. i want to come up with some kind of ritual too, to mark and celebrate my transition to post-therapy. we have a lot to do over these last 6 or so sessions don't we?

You know how I've been complaining about only working 8 days in July?

Just kidding. I'm only working 5.

I know I said I'm happy for you, but can you just cancel your vacation please? I need you